New Protectors of the Plot Continuum
by Anne Miliardo
Summary: Anne and Kate, two Protectors of the Plot Continuum, follow in Acacia and Jay's footsteps in a tireless effort to rid Middle-Earth of Mary Sues. All hail the PPC!
1. Unforgettable

New Protectors of the Plot Continuum  
~*~  
A/N: Since a reviewer has asked, I'm obliged to issue a disclaimer. *clears throat* Kate and Anne are from my mind alone, and the Sue stories are NOT ours. We actually use other peoples' fanfictions for our own despicable purposes, believe it or not. Such is the ways of the past PPCs, Jay and Acacia. Acacia also owns the idea of the PPC headquarters, Upstairs, and all bizarre personel henceforth (aside from the people in the various departments).  
  
Oh, and for those interested, you can find the original Protectors of the Plot Continuum at a fanfic site called Henneth Annûn (http://www.henneth-annun.net), but you have to search at the top of the page for the author (Acacia).  
~*~  
Chapter one -- Unforgettable  
~*~  
  
[BEEP][BEEP][BEEP]  
  
"Oh, shut up!" Anne frowned and swatted at the display screen in front of her. The incessant beeping ceased as if the console had listened. "Oh, GREAT. Wake up, Kate, we've found another one!"  
  
The figure laying on the couch not three feet away shifted. "Tell her to get a life," Kate moaned. "I don't feel like chasing another Canon-wrecking, errant author today."  
  
"Too bad, it's our job."  
  
"How can it be a job if we don't get paid?"  
  
Anne sighed. "I don't know."  
  
Kate finally rolled off of the couch and stood behind the latter. "Ugh, what's the deal?"  
  
"Another Mary Sue is at it again, in Middle Earth." A gasp escaped the girl. "Oh NO..." She pushed her chair back a little and, removing the denim baseball cap from her head, began to bash her forehead into the desk.  
  
"Is it THAT bad?"  
  
Anne only whimpered and continued to pound a dent into the hardwood desk.  
  
Sighing, Kate nabbed her by the chestnut brown ponytail that normally hung behind the girl's back. "Quit, Upstairs will get onto you for breaking another desk." She took a moment to read the words on the screen, then gave what sounded like a strangled squawk and stumbled back, letting go of Anne's hair.  
  
"I TOLD you," Anne whimpered again. "It's terrible! Doesn't she even believe in saving that for marriage?!"  
  
"Obviously not. Get your gear, this'll be one interesting mission..."  
  
The other girl glared at the screen one last time before grabbing her Canon Analysis Device. "Ok, THAT was the last straw, Girlie!" She shouted at the screen. "NO ONE makes Boromir do THAT!" She paused, then added to herself in a growl, "nor does anyone make him SAY things like that..."  
  
"I thought you gave up being a Boromir fan when you saw The Two Towers," Kate called from their Equipment Room.  
  
"I've always been a Boromir fan, and an Aragorn fan, and an entire Fellowship fan. THIS is just WRONG." Anne growled low in her throat and nabbed a Walkman, headphones, and deck of cards. "This is a long fic... we may be waiting a while before we can kill her."  
  
Kate slung a heavy backpack of gear over her shoulder and sighed. "How long? I hate it when we have to hang around forever." She nabbed her Character Analysis Device and stuck it in a pocket somewhere. "Please don't tell me she joins the Fellowship..."  
  
"No, she joins the Fellowship behind Elrond's back."  
  
"I asked you not to tell me that...!" Kate pressed a button on a remote, causing a door-like portal to appear on the wall in front of her, then handed the remote to her partner. "Oh, well. What disguises this time? Orcs? Uruk-Hai? Elves?" She sighed blissfully. "C'mon, let's be Elves!"  
  
"Alright, but only if I get to be a male Elf. I hate traveling in those long dresses." She frowned. "Actually, I hate dresses all together. Hey, I'm skipping ahead of the scenes in Gondor -- I don't want to see this Sue drag poor Boromir into bed." Anne pressed some buttons on a console and leaped through the portal, leaving Kate to follow.  
  
The two felt their disguises fall into place and glanced around. They were in the woods, about three yards behind two travelers on horseback. Anne squeaked and, nabbing Kate by the collar, dragged her into the bushes before one of the two could turn around.  
  
"Did you hear that?" A female voice asked. Kate and Anne exchanged worried glances -- they knew the non-Canon characters could see them. A clear advantage to being a PPC is that most agents are completely invisible to the Canons.  
  
A male voice replied with a slight chuckle. "No, I did not. You must be hearing things."  
  
"Child," the obvious Sue countered playfully.  
  
"That I am." Boromir laughed.  
  
The two Elves shared a silent moan and hung their heads. "I think I'm going to gag," Anne growled.  
  
Kate's eyes became unfocused as she stared forwards, trying to read the words of the story. "Nah, save it 'til she fights and kills an orc in the nude. Or when she sleeps with Boromir for the fifth time." She scowled. "It's beyond me how this made a PG13 rating. Maybe she's trying to cope with the fact that no one would read an NC-17 fic?"  
  
"You KNOW that no one looks at ratings these days." Anne began to fumble with her equipment pack. "Crud, where'd I put that Analysis thing..." She finally found the small machine and pointed the front at the woman on the horse. Large, urgent red letters flashed on the screen, almost blinding them at first.  
  
[Arilyn. Human female. Non-canon. Mary Sue.]  
  
Kate grunted and withdrew her own device, pointing it at Boromir.  
  
[78.72%! CHARACTER RUPTURE!]  
  
"Not good. When can we kill her?" She asked, casing a glance at Anne.  
  
The other drew in a thoughtful breath, reading the words as she thought. "Ah... probably not until they get to Caradhras. She picks up Frodo when he falls." She scowled. "Oh, how touching... she has to decide between Aragorn, her kin; and Boromir, her love... I shed a tear," she muttered sarcastically, casting a dark glare in the direction Boromir and Arilyn had gone.  
  
"Good! We get to see the Hobbits!" Kate said, enthusiastic.  
  
"In the meantime, we could either follow them to the possibly non-existent inn in Tharbad..." Anne glanced at the words with narrowed eyes. "Or we could skip ahead to see X-rated Wonder Woman single-handedly kill off some of the orcs that ambush her when she's bathing."  
  
Kate made a face. "I vote for the inn. Could we meet them there? I think they still have a day to go."  
  
"Sounds good." Anne pulled out the Remote Activator and clicked it; another door-like portal opened in front of them. "BONZAI!" The girl lept through, slowly followed by her accomplice. Kate knew good and well the Classic Laws of Comedy would place a tree right in the way of wherever the landing point may be...  
  
~*~  
  
"OW!"  
  
Kate cackled madly at the expression on Anne's face. "I KNEW there would be something in your way..."  
  
Anne scowled and picked herself up off the ground, glaring at the tree as she did. "Ugh... how much you want to bet the Sue put that there just for me to run into it?"  
  
A small, quaint village sat some twenty yards away from their landing spot. The two elves strolled into the village, glancing around for the inn related to in the fic. It was half an hour before they finally found their destination. A crowd of drunken men going out of the inn passed the Elves, singing a song in horrible disharmony at the top of their lungs. Anne was barely quick enough to duck when an ale mug was thrown in the direction of the men.  
  
"I'll bet this place has a wonderful reputation," she muttered, holding the door for her partner.  
  
They approached the large desk before them, where a small man sat with his nose buried in a book.  
  
"'Scuse me," Kate began. The man looked up, startled, and pushed a pair of spectacles further up on his nose. "We'd like a room, please, sir."  
  
"Of course." The man called a younger man, who appeared to be in his teens, over to him. "Alasar, please excort these gentle... elves to a vacant room." The man smiled at the two Elves. "Follow him."  
  
"Thanks!" Anne called out as they followed the teen up a flight of stairs.  
  
As soon as they had reached their rooms, the two Elves sprawled out on separate beds and shared a comfortable moment of silence. Kate let out a delighted sigh and lazily reached for her pack, fumbling to find her headphones. Anne, in the meantime, sat up and began to play Solitaire on her bedspread with the cards they had brought.  
  
"How long 'til they get here?" Kate asked, closing her eyes, tuning in to the sounds of Caedmon's Call and singing softly to herself.  
  
Anne glanced up at the words from her card game. "Eh... 'nother hour."  
  
"You're softer than a cannonblast... hmm? Oh, good. I'm getting some sleep, in that case." She rolled over and, within seconds, was asleep. Her partner only shook her head and continued the game set out before her.  
  
An hour passed before Anne realized it. A banging on the door across the hall from their room caused her to jump and scatter the cards in all directions. She threw herself to the door and opened it slowly, trying to see who or what was outside. A man was standing outside the opposite door with a very sour expression on his face.  
  
"Oh no, we're missing it!" Anne skidded over to the other bed and shook her partner. "Kate, you're going to sleep through our chance to..." she trailed off when the other girl moaned, rolled over and fell asleep again. "...or not."  
  
The banging sounded again. A growl to all heavy sleepers escaped the Elf's throat as she crept back to the door, just in time to see the Sue open her door for the man. Anne noticed she was only wrapped in a cloak, as if she had been dressing. 'I hate shallow Sues,' she thought disgustedly. 'Actually, I hate all Sues...'  
  
"Can I help you?" Arilyn said sweetly.  
  
The man looked her up and down, a cocky smile on his face. "I'm sorry miss. I'm looking for a man."  
  
"No man here," She cut him off. Biting her lip she gave a seductive sigh, "at least, not yet." She looked down then back up to his face.  
  
He raised a brow, "Miss, I."  
  
Anne moaned, for the grammar had now started to hurt her head.  
  
"Evil time!" The Elf flung himself out the door and rammed his shoulder into the man, causing him to topple into the door, which in turn knocked the Sue back on her rear. Anne, from her spot in the hall, heard Boromir shift inside the closet and prayed he'd still be in character enough not to try and rescue the woman. "I am sorry, sir," she wailed, trying to sound believable. "I must have tripped over a loose board!"  
  
The man whirled around, staring at the Elven man before him. "I... suppose it's all right." Behind him, Arilyn was starting to climb to her feet, holding her eye in a protective fashion.  
  
Anne quickly turned and scooted back into her room, waiting until she had closed the door to burst into laughter. This aroused Kate, who stared at her in a strange way until her partner stopped to breathe.  
  
"I'm not even going to ask what you did THIS time," she declared.  
  
The other Elf grinned. "Not unless you'd like to hear about how loose floorboards can be hazerdous to a Sue's health."  
  
"You're right, I wouldn't. Nothing else happens 'til tomorrow, I'm going to sleep, good night."  
  
~*~  
  
The morning came faster than either of the two expected. Anne, the lighter sleeper, awoke when Boromir's and the Sue's door closed. She jumped out of her bed, tripped over her own feet, and fell face-first onto Kate's bed. The girl sat bolt upright, glancing about wildly as Anne sank to the floor.  
  
"What! Who's dying?!"  
  
Anne pulled herself back to her feet and groaned. "They're going down for breakfast, then they're leaving. Let's go -- I'm starving!"  
  
Kate sighed. "Fine..."  
  
Ten minutes later, the two Elves stumbled down the stairs and into the tavern. They crossed the room to sit two tables away from Boromir and the Sue, who were sitting in the corner. Anne caught a glance at the Sue's black eye and tried not to laugh; Arilyn's vain attempts at hiding it behind her hair weren't working.  
  
Even though neither of the girls were familiar with the work system of an inn, they acted casual when a waitress (who was probably non-existent in the non-existent inn) came and asked for their food orders, and left shortly. Kate watched past Anne's shoulder in disgust at Boromir and Arilyn as they pulled into a kiss over their table.  
  
"THAT'S gross," she growled. "Public Display of Affection should be illegal."  
  
Anne nodded absently, toying with a piece of bread on a fork. "I know. PDA's sick."  
  
"...Eh, when can we kill her?"  
  
"Not 'til Caradhras, remember? I call her!"  
  
Kate gave a sigh and tried not to look back at the two lovebirds. "Ugh, go ahead. You'll need someone to occupy Boromir, since he'll probably try to be noble. And I get the next one, especially if she's a Frodo fangirl."  
  
A chunk of the bread flew across the room and hit a heavyset man on the back of the head. Wide-eyed, Anne quickly threw the fork onto the table and tried to look like she was listening to her conversation when the man turned around.  
  
"You're impossible," Kate moaned, resting her forehead in her hand.  
  
"What bread? Didn't eat any bread..." Anne tried to look out the corner of her eye at the man, but saw Boromir and Arilyn leaving. "Ack! They're going!" She wrapped the remaining portion of the eaten loaf as well as an untouched one, stuffed them in her pack, and led the way out of the inn.  
  
~*~  
  
They set out from Tharbad after their meal. Some people gave them wary looks as they passed by. It was barely daylight yet most people know what had happened the night before. They rode in a slow gallop for a few hours until they were at the Bruinen river shores.  
  
"I'll be back." Arilyn grabbed her pack and headed downstream.  
  
"What is this, a Terminator movie?" Kate muttered sourly.  
  
The protectors followed silently in the brush, gently walking on the leaf-laden ground with their elven feet. 'It's the small advantages that make this job all the more fun,' Anne thought. She frowned as the Sue began to undress. "I really, REALLY wish I had a censor block right about now. I don't like Sues who aren't ashamed like that."  
  
"I know." Kate nabbed the bread out of her partner's pack and tore a small piece off of the loaf. "Man, why can't we have food like this at headquarters? This is GOOD bread!"  
  
"We have good food, just not... healthy-ish food. It's all to drive us insane, I tell you!"  
  
"Shh, she can probably hear us..."  
  
The two sat in their hiding spot by the shore, watching as Arilyn waded into the water. She finally took down her hair and dove in, resurfacing where the water was shoulder-level.  
  
Anne suddenly grinned and set down her pack, her bow and her quiver. "I'll be right back..."  
  
"Where're you going?" Her partner hissed, hurredly glancing towards the retreating elf.  
  
"You'll see!" She grabbed two objects from her pack and disappeared into the forest, running upstream from their hiding spot. Arylin looked up, startled, but resumed bathing. A few moments passed by before Kate spotted a clear snorkel sticking up from the water, moving swiftly towards the Sue. She tried hard not to break into a fit of laughter.  
  
The serene silence was cut by a sharp cry from Arilyn, who twisted around in fright. The snorkel quickly swam back upstream and vanished, leaving Kate to her silent laughter and Arilyn to search for what had made her scream. Soon, Anne returned, dripping wet and grinning madly.  
  
"What did you DO?" Kate asked, trying to laugh into her pack.  
  
She shrugged. "Sues almost never pay attention to detail. They never ask themselves, 'Will there be fish in the river that might bite my rear when I bathe?'" She smugly tossed her snorkel and a clamping hair-clip towards her bag.  
  
"You're going to have to decontaminate that when you get back."  
  
"I never use those clips anyway."  
  
Heavy breathing (which was much heavier and much louder than it should have been) echoed from a bush ten feet away from the two elves. They jumped and looked, only to see an Orc (that had a strong resemblence to an Uruk-Hai) hidden in the shrubbery. Arilyn turned towards the Orc, sighing. The world suddenly fazed in and out, which looked almost like what has been technically defined as "snow" on a TV channel with no signal. When everything was back in technicolor, the Sue was crouching in knee-deep water, staring at the Orc in the bushes.  
  
"What was that?" Anne moaned, holding her forehead in her hand.  
  
Kate grunted. "A plothole. She didn't really describe her journey back to shallow water, but since she's about to run to her sword, maybe she forgot she had to get somewhere that would make running easier first."  
  
Sure enough, Arilyn made a dash for her sword, and the Elven agents made a dash in the opposite direction. They didn't want to be caught, and even though they needed to rack charges for the charge list, they figured it would do to read the Words instead of witness the battle. As they ran, Boromir passed them without taking notice of anything but Arilyn's cries for help. His eyes were glossy and unfocused, as if in a trance. Anne sighed sadly to herself, shook her head, and kept the pace with her partner.  
  
~*~  
  
It was early the next morning when a loud noise rang in Anne's ear.  
  
[BEEP][BEEP!][BEEP ALREADY!]  
  
Anne smacked the device next to her head angrily. "Stop that!" She hissed. A thought crossed her mind that normally her Canon Analysis Device didn't speak to her, but she shrugged it away as the beeping died down. She looked up to see Arilyn and Boromir coming towards their campsite on horseback, neither paying attention to where they were going. Anne squeaked something, grabbed her pack, Kate's pack, and dragged her sleeping partner by the arm into the bushes.  
  
The two passed without noticing anything out of the ordinary. Once they were out of hearing distance, Anne frowned and shook Kate roughly. "C'mon, get up. You just missed a close encounter of the Sue kind."  
  
Kate looked up and yawned. "Right. Are we ready to go yet?"  
  
"Yeah. Grab your bag and follow me... unless you'd rather warp ahead to their meeting with Aragorn's party minus one Hobbit." Anne grinned as her partner nodded eagerly. She pointed the Remote Activator, materialized a portal, and walked through it with Kate close behind.  
  
They stepped into an open field and quickly hid behind two trees that happened to be where they needed. Arilyn's voice shouting "Estel!" was heard, and Anne threw a look at Kate, who was trying to look past the trunk of her tree.  
  
"Where have you been? We thought you were dead!" They heard Aragorn's voice exclaim. They cringed at the unnatural excitement in his voice. Kate pointed her Character Analysis Device at Aragorn's gleeful form.  
  
[Aragorn. Human male. Canon. Out of Character 59.83%]  
  
"I haven't been gone that long!" She punched his arm. "I had trouble with Orcs. But I found myself in good hands." She turned to Boromir who was standing protectively at her side.  
  
"I could comment, but I'm not going to," Anne moaned quietly. "And why on earth does she call him Estel instead Aragorn? I mean, she's not an Elf... this is weird." Kate rolled her eyes and watched the meeting.  
  
"Indeed." Estel raised a brow, quickly changing his expression he held out his hand. "I thank you for caring for my sister. She seems to be in need of care." Arilyn stuck her tongue out at him.  
  
"...I mean, if they're supposedly siblings, won't they call each other by their real names?" Anne continued.  
  
"Shh, I can't hear then," Kate hissed.  
  
"I agree." Boromir was rewarded with an elbow to the gut.  
  
Estel cocked his head at her and raised his brow. "I am sorry for her behavior. She doesn't normally act this way."  
  
"Not to worry I am quite used to it by now." Boromir chuckled.  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Ahem!" One of the Hobbits became impatient. "If you wouldn't mind Strider I would I like to catch up to your Elf friend!" Another flick of the device.  
  
[Sam. Hobbit male. Canon. Out of Character %46.48]  
  
Anne frowned. "That was SO not Sam. I don't know who she is, but writing Sam the wrong way is definitely on the charge list."  
  
Estel turned to the small creatures. "I am sorry Sam. We should be on our way. May I introduce a fellow Ranger Arilyn and."  
  
"Boromir of Gondor." Arilyn answered quickly.  
  
Estel nodded knowingly, "And these three before you are Sam, Pippin, and Merry."  
  
"Hullo!" Merry and Pippin said in unison. Device flick number three.  
  
[Merry. Hobbit male. Canon. Out of Character %63.45]  
  
[Pippin. Hobbit male. Canon. Out of Character %55.83]  
  
Arilyn smiled down at them. 'They are so adorable!' She developed a sudden admiration for the two. Anne and Kate developed a sudden urge to lose their lunches.  
  
"I've had enough." Anne pulled out her Remote Activator. "I'm moving ahead to Rivendell to wait for the Council if you'd like to join me. We'll leave them here, so it might be boring until later on, just so you know..."  
  
Kate shrugged. "I'll come with you. Maybe we can play cards to pass the time."  
  
~*~  
  
Hours passed, card games were played, and the six finally arrived in Rivendell just as Anne beat Kate in Egyptian Rat Race for the third time. The Elves glanced up to see everyone coming in for the Council of Elrond. Arilyn took a seat next to Aragorn, while Boromir sat in his assigned seat. From their view, the two could see Sam hiding in the bushes, and Merry and Pippin behind the columns of the building nearby. Arilyn winked at Boromir, who ignored her. Anne was glad that the man was finally starting coming back to his senses.  
  
Elrond began to speak his movie-speech, and Kate glanced at Anne with one eyebrow raised. "Do we know if she got this right?"  
  
"I don't have the movie script memorized," she replied softly.  
  
"Bring forth the ring, Frodo."  
  
Frodo, a Hobbit Arilyn didn't recognize, placed a gold band onto the table. He went quickly back to his seat.  
  
A few of the members gasped, gaping at the ring. "So it is true." Boromir brought his hand up to his face as if in thought.  
  
"The doom of men." Someone whispered. Arilyn looked around, she did not dare look at the ring, and she knew her fate and did not wish to become tempted.  
  
"It is a gift." Her head snapped to Boromir, she could not believe what he had just said. She denied it. She shook her head slowly hoping he would see her, yet he continued. "A gift to the very foes of Mordor. Why not use this ring?" He stood from his seat and paced. "Long has my father, the Steward of Gondor kept the forces of Mordor by the blood of our people while your lands kept safe. Give Gondor the weapon of the enemy. Let us use is against him!"  
  
"You cannot wield it! None of us can! The One Ring answers to Sauron alone. It has no other master!" 'Thank you Aragorn!' Arilyn sighed softly.  
  
Boromir turned to him slowly, "And what would a Ranger know of this matter?"  
  
Anne set out her cards to play Solitaire. "Here we go again..." She sighed and rolled her eyes. "I get tired of this whole thing after a while.  
  
Kate nodded. "But one of us has to listen for the charge list," she noted.  
  
"Thanks for volunteering!"  
  
"Are you mad! What do you take this for?" She pointed to the ring. The two Elves jumped -- they hadn't been paying attention, and were startled by her outburst. "It is not another piece of jewelry you construct from your stone halls!"  
  
"And what would you know of this!?" Gimli retorted.  
  
Anne growled. "She's a Sue, she knows everything," she snarled, mocking Arilyn in a high voice.  
  
"More than you would ever know! You hurt those who are connected, and I do not mean Sauron." Her anger took her over, she decided to just yell at Boromir while she was already standing. She pointed at her lover. "And you! How dare you say we can use this against Mordor. Of all people, I would never think that the Captain of Gondor would want to use this. You think that Gondor has no hope, it does! And you insult my kin! After what I have told you. I understand that you would not become so angry with me, but he is the same!"  
  
"Arilyn please." Aragorn said quietly.  
  
"NO!" She looked around the entire group. "None of you know for certain of what we are dealing with save Lord Elrond and Lord Glorfindel. Gandalf does not even fully know!"  
  
"So how do YOU know, Suie?" Kate muttered crossly.  
  
"How dare any of you think that all hope is lost because this ring still exists! Anything is possible, especially at these times." She looked at the Dwarves and woodland Elves. "And during this council if any one of you, Elf or Dwarf, decide to fight over one another, so help me. Every strand of your precious hair will be gone! Gone!" She directed it to Legolas who winced at the thought.  
  
Anne whimpered at how hair-conscious the Elf was. "I'm not even asking for a reading on Legolas," she moaned.  
  
"I know what you are thinking, and if you do not unite now all will surly be lost. It is not but one race that is being threatened, but all. You are all doomed to the same fate if this ring is not destroyed. Act as one! Put the past behind you! For it does not matter now." She took one last angry breath and sat back down. Aragorn turned to her. "Don't talk to me." She said angrily. His head snapped back around.  
  
"Awww, did poow Mawy-Sue get her feewings huwt?" Kate asked in a mocking tone. "Poow BABY! Oh, don't wowwy, Bowy's gonna make it aww bettuh..."  
  
Anne gave her a strange look. "That didn't sound right coming from you," she muttered.  
  
"I don't care. If the charge list is long enough, let's kill her now!"  
  
"She has to join the Fellowship! That's the big thing, or else our charge list barely has anything worth mentioning," Anne hissed. "Just wait."  
  
~*~  
  
The Remote Activator hummed as Anne opened another portal. "C'mon, let's skip ahead to Caradhras. I don't want to see their teary goodbye..." She moved through and almost immediately fell through three feet of snow. A hundred pounds of Kate followed and landed on top of her. "Get OFF!" She hollered, thrashing about.  
  
Kate managed to climb to a part of the snow that was harder than the rest and panted. "Sorry. Maybe we should get that thing looked at..."  
  
"Possibly. Were are they?"  
  
"Over there. They'll be up here in a moment."  
  
"Good." Anne grinned menacingly and pulled out a small palm-pilot-like object that beeped as she turned it on. "I've got the charge list right here -- you may do the honors since I get to kill her."  
  
Frodo rolled past Aragorn and into Arilyn's arms. She scooped him up and cradled him. "Arilyn?" He looked confused, she just smiled down at him.  
  
Kate growled low in her throat. "Now I want to kill her."  
  
"Nope, I called her." Anne pulled an arrow from her quiver and examined the tip. "Hmm... this one'll do."  
  
"Shh..." She walked next to Aragorn and set the hobbit down. Frodo grabbed at his neck, the ring wasn't there. Arilyn scanned the ground; it was in Boromir's hands. He hadn't realized she was there; but when she snatched the chain from his grasp his eyes grew wide and a smile itched his lips. She scowled at him weakly and returned the ring to Frodo.  
  
"What are you doing here?" Aragorn whispered to her.  
  
"Protecting those I love."  
  
"And being a Sue. Show time!" Kate cleared her throat and called loudly to the group. "Arilyn! Um... will Arilyn please step forward?"  
  
The Sue blinked, obviously confused. "I am Arilyn... what business have you with me?"  
  
Kate scowled. "Don't play cute with me, Sue. You know your crimes."  
  
"Crimes?" Boromir stood in front of the girl. "What crimes has she committed?"  
  
The Elf took a deep breath. "Arilyn is charged with disrupting the canon by joining the Fellowship behind Elrond's back, interfering with the Fellowship, Faramir, Elrond, Ellohir, Elladan, and the rest of the people of Gondor; going to bed with Boromir MULTIPLE TIMES, not dying when you should have, using profanity, making Boromir curse, getting Boromir, Aragorn, the Hobbits, and everyone else you interacted with WAY out of character---" she took another breath "---fighting an Uruk-Hai in the nude, bringing in the Uruk-Hai before they were bred, and being a Mary Sue." Kate gasped for air. All her years of training, and she still had trouble repeating a charge list in two breaths.  
  
Arilyn looked absolutely shocked. "I... I have done all this?"  
  
"Believe me, it's much more horrid than you think." Anne pulled the bowstring and arrow back to her ear. "Have a nice day!" The arrow shot through the air and struck Arilyn right between the eyes. Boromir and Aragorn cried out, drawing their swords and running towards the two Elves. An instant before they struck them, however, they stopped and looked around. The glassy look in their eyes left as Anne slung Arilyn's corpse over her shoulder.  
  
"She... she slept with me?" Boromir asked, disgusted.  
  
Kate nodded. "Rather sad, isn't it? But you don't have to worry. She won't bother you anymore." With that, she and Anne disappeared into another Remotely Activated portal.  
  
They appeared in front of a small forest in some random Middle-Earth location. Anne threw the corpse down, grinned, and pulled out something that resembled a wand.  
  
"Hey, where'd you get that?"  
  
She shrugged. "I picked it off of a Sue back when I worked with the Harry Potter Mary Sue department. Pheonix tailfeather, cedar, thirteen inches. Works wonderfully." Anne aimed the end of the wand at the Sue and shouted, "Incidio!" Flames shot out of the wand's tip and engulfed the Sue's body. They watched the funeral pyre for a few moments, then teleported back to their headquarters.  
  
~*~  
  
Anne flopped down on the couch, fingering her wand with mischief on her mind. "Y'know, maybe I should keep this with me more often. I like being able to make Sues do things that aren't very normal."  
  
"Yeah, just don't let Upstairs know you've got it. They'll come after you faster than you can say 'Lumos'," Kate muttered.  
  
"But then I could use a Memory charm to make them forget... I have a list of the spells, you know."  
  
Her partner laughed. "I don't doubt it. Now, let's try and get some sleep before our next mission. I'm kind of worn out from that last Sue..."  
  
They both looked at the console, expecting it to alert them of another mission. When it didn't, they sighed happily, made themselves comfortable in different places of the room, and fell asleep.  
  
Anne's note: Hey, all! Hope y'all enjoyed the first chapter. If anyone wants to report a Mary Sue sighting, Kate and I would be GLAD to kill 'em off (Kate wants Frodo fangirls, I want Aragorn fans or Hobbit huggers, but we'll get rid of any kind of fan -- even Marty Sams)! Gee, I sound like an advertisement... but anyway, check my bio page for an e-mail address, but include the title of the story and the author, please. Searching by main character gets rather tedious... *sighs, then grins* Otherwise, I get to do the searching and spare no Sue nor Sam!  
  
Kate's note: Yeah, send me a Frodo fangirl! Or an Eomer fangirl, if anyone can find one. But other than that, my notes will mostly be short. I'm not writing this, anyway! I only want to kill Sues! Hey Anne, can I have a nice sword next time? 


	2. For the Cause

Chapter two -- For the Cause  
~*~  
  
[BEEP][BEEP][BEEP]  
  
Anne swatted at the console in her sleep and growled sundry death threats to Mary Sues, but she eventually shook herself awake and scooted out of her sleeping bag. "Ugh. Get up, we've got another one..." She tossed the closest item at Kate, who had fallen asleep on the couch. Whatever she had thrown hit her partner in the side and produced a loud groan.  
  
"Kill her without me, I'm still tired," she moaned.  
  
"Oh right. I don't think Upstairs smiles on the idea of leaving a partner behind." Anne threw something else and hit Kate in the leg. "Get up. NOW."  
  
Kate grumbled to herself. "Stupid Sues. Always when I'm trying to sleep..."  
  
"That's because you're always sleeping. I've got a reading on this one... oh, NO..." Anne stared at the screen in disbelief. "Is there such a thing as New Middle-Earth?"  
  
This caused Kate to fall off the couch with a startled cry. "WHA---AGH! Ow, my spinal cord... Is she CRAZY?"  
  
"I know, she couldn't even call it 'Neo Middle-Earth' and be accused of being a G Gundam fan..." One of the two unrecognized items hit her in the back of the head. "OW! Hey, admit it -- it sounds better than 'New Middle-Earth', right?"  
  
"Anything sounds better if it's not written by a Sue. How's the grammar?"  
  
"Pretty close to horrific, but not quite terrifying."  
  
Kate sighed. "As usual. Who is she?"  
  
"Her name is Faith. And her sister is named Grace. How clever. Oh, but Grace dies in the beginning, along with the rest of the army she had once commanded."  
  
"Y'know, there's a Grace in the X-Men department," Kate added thoughtfully. "She works with that weird guy who calls himself The Big Kahuna. What IS his name, anyway?"  
  
"Josh, I think. May I finish?" Silence. "She has a ring; should we consider it an Item of Mary Sueness? I say to expect the worst." She stared for a moment and frowned. "Lookie lookie. She masquerades as a guy and everyone believes her... she's not very good at spelling... HEY! She's usurping Aragorn's part entirely!" Anne snarled a "CAUDEX!" at the console. It wasn't often that she shouted Latin at the Sues.  
  
Her partner peered over her shoulder. "Who knows -- maybe she watched The Two Towers, We Were Soldiers, and Mulan all in the same night. What else..." Kate skimmed the report until her eyes suddenly went wide. "Anne.... please tell me I didn't just see what I thought I saw..."  
  
"What?" Anne frowned at the screen and started to scan the words. "Hmm... Oh, that she has a machine gun in Middle-Earth? Incredibly dumb if you ask me..."  
  
"No..." Kate started to laugh and eventually had to sit down to breathe. "Oh--oh my... look what she named it!"  
  
"...MR. BANG-BANG?!? She named her machine gun Mr. Bang-bang?! WHAT KINDA SUE ARE WE DEALING WITH?!"  
  
It was a moment before Kate had scrambled to her feet, still chuckling. "Y'know, she was probably a child genius or something..." She grinned.  
  
Anne snickered. "Yeah, until she stubbed her toe and did brain damage." She stood and started to throw things into her backpack. "C'mon, let's hurry. I have to stop and get a CD from Susan. She'll probably want pictures, though, since we're going to Rohan... aren't we?"  
  
"Think so. Will you see if we can borrow her Sara Groves CD while we're at it?"  
  
"Sure... hey, toss me my wand, will you?" Anne caught the stick and carefully put it in a pocket.  
  
"Do you have my Canon analyzery-thingy? ...oh wait, there it is."  
  
"I'll get it. The Remote Activator is over there, anyway." Anne rose to retrieve the device from the desk and spotted a note underneath it, which she picked up and read it with a laugh. "Hey, Ben and Shawn in the Harry Potter department are having a party tomorrow night. Wanna go?"  
  
Kate grinned broadly. "Alright! Do we need to bring anything? Chips, cokes, Frodo... oops, was that out loud?"  
  
"Ha ha. Let's go get the CDs and we'll be ready." Anne trudged out of their headquarters and towards the Legend of Zelda department. "Just remember, don't pay attention."  
  
"I'll never get used to that."  
  
It wasn't long before they reached the right door and entered to find two teenagers, one an ash-blond-haired girl and the other a brown-haired boy, sitting on the floor playing cards. As Anne and Kate entered, the girl looked up and grinned. "Eez you! And you!" She exclaimed excitedly.  
  
"Hey, Susan!" Anne broke into her own grin. "Where'd you put my dcTalk CD? And Kate wants to borrow Sara Groves, too."  
  
"It's over here, let me get it. Der, no playing until I get back."  
  
Her partner, Derin, gave her an almost innocent look. "But I can't, it's still your turn!" He gave her an evil grin as he finished his sentence.  
  
"That's never stopped you before," she replied dryly, raising an eyebrow at him. "Here your CD, Anne... and here's Sara Groves, Kate. Are you two going on another mission?"  
  
Kate shrugged. "Yeah, we've got a Sue trying to take over Middle-Earth again. How's it going for you?"  
  
"We just got back," Derin muttered sourly. "But I'm not giving any details for fear you may pass out."  
  
Anne blinked. "Was it that bad?"  
  
Susan groaned and adjusted her glasses with her middle finger. "Ugh, 'bad' isn't the word. It involved bombs in pants, throwing Zelda off a cliff, and Ruto belly-dancing... terrifying stuff. Oh, and did you know that Link has a multi-dimensional rift in his tunic?"  
  
"...no, but that's better than some theories I've heard. Thanks for the CDs -- we've gotta get to Rohan. I'll bring you pictures of the horses!"  
  
"OOH! Please do!" Susan clapped eagerly and jumped up and down in place. "Horsies!"  
  
Anne and Kate hastily left and returned to their headquarters to access the portal. Once they stepped through, they found themselves in a wide field ("Why does Middle-Earth have so many darned wide fields?" Anne demanded of the sky) with dead orc and human bodies strewn every which-a-way. The Sue, clad in black and covered in splotches of blood, was sitting on a rock fifty yards away cleaning her machine gun. In the distance, they could see Eomer and his small army talking to Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli.  
  
Anne dug out her Canon Analysis Device and waved it at the obvious Sue.  
  
[Faith. Human female. Non-canon. Mary Sue.]   
  
"Well, it's official -- she's not a Marty Sam yet." Kate flicked her Character Analysis Device at Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, and Eomer.  
  
[Aragorn. Human male. Canon. Out of Character 49.98%.]  
  
[Legolas. Elf male. Canon. Out of Character 20.48%.]  
  
[Gimli. Dwarf male. Canon. Out of Character 45.83%.]  
  
[Eomer. Human male. Canon. Out of Character 49.97%.]  
  
"Not good, both Aragorn and Eomer are borderlining character rupture." She stopped scanning characters and concentrated on the words for a while.  
  
"How bad is it?" Anne asked after a while, since she had been busying herself with finding any nearby un-orcish sword.  
  
The color drained from Kate's face as she read. "Oh, NO... not only does she spell Sauron 'Souron' and Saruman 'Souruman', but she shoots Wormtongue in the head... and before the battle of Helms Deep, she gets EVERYONE to sing 'We Will Rock You'! We have to kill her! PLEASE! SPARE ME!"  
  
"Shh, she'll hear," Anne hissed. "And we'll nab her soon enough, don't worry. How 'bout when she falls off the cliff? Gee, she DID only see the movies. Otherwise she'd know that Aragorn's little swan-dive never happened in the book. Darn her. Oooh, sword!"  
  
"Get me one, too," her partner said, still looking at the words.  
  
The Sue had moved over to the large group of men, horses, one elf and one dwarf to holler at Eomer. Anne rolled her eyes and noticed two horses tied to nearby trees, calmly eating grass as if nothing was going on. "Lookie! The canon likes us!" She ran to the horses, let one of them sniff her hand, and mounted after the horse had accepted her.   
Kate followed suit and found a saddleback full of food by her leg. "Not only does it like us, it's feeding us, too!" She dug into the bag and started munching on a chunk of bread. "Mmm, this is better than that bread at the non-existent inn from last time."  
  
"Don't talk to be about bread," Anne moaned, but looked up and saw that Eomer's group was leaving. "Ack! Do we follow them?"  
  
Kate frowned. "They're not heading back to Roham, so I'd say no. Even though I sorta want to anyway..." she broke into a sheepish grin.  
  
"I thought you were a Frodo fan..."  
  
"Yeah, but Eomer's cool, too!"  
  
"You have something about hair." Anne pulled out her camera, a Polaroid that had been left in their department when she'd first arrived (with a note that read: 'Use this wisely and often! --Jay'), and snapped a quick picture of Aragorn. "Let's ride to Rohan, then! I still have to get Susan her pictures before everyone else arrives tomorrow."  
  
Kate raised an eyebrow. "Why don't we use the portally-thingy?"  
  
"Because then we can't use the horses we found! And repeat after me: Remote Activator."  
  
"Fine, Remote Activator. I still say it's a portally-thingy."  
  
~*~  
  
Anne read the words as she slowed her horse to a walk. "Geez, she has such interesting wording sometimes. 'I have no idea how long I sat on that rock for'? What was the rule -- prepositions couldn't go on the end of a sentence?"  
  
Kate shrugged. "Something like that. Ask Lee in the Star Trek: TNG department when we get back, she should know."  
  
"Oh good, we can stop in and see Erin, then! She said she's been missing us lately."  
  
"Considering that she practically lived in our department before Nemisis came out in theaters... I could see how that could be possible. And what is it with authors and movies, huh? There's always a flood of fanfics after a new movie!" Kate fished around in the saddlebag for more bread. "Dang, last piece. I prefer this stuff to the rations Upstairs gives us."  
  
Anne snickered. "Yeah, that stuff tastes like cardboard. Or communion wafers, at least. Those things are gross..."  
  
"Someone called the stuff they used to take for communion 'Hobbit Hardtack and Elvish Wine', remember?"  
  
"Grape juice in general is nasty. Oh look, we're here!" Anne pulled out the ever-faithful Polaroid and quickly took pictures of the flag that was magesticly fluttering in the wind. "I always liked that flag, you know. HORSIE!" More clicking as they entered the city gates. "Ooh, he's pretty cute, too..."  
  
Kate stared at her for a minute. "You're weird."  
  
"And you're slow if you're just now noticing. Let's go find somewhere to sit and play cards until the Sue gets here."  
  
~*~  
  
Once they found a sitting place on the stairs of the Great Hall (they weren't concerned about being seen -- after all, they were sill invisible unless pointed out by a Sue), seven games of Rummy passed before Anne started to get impatient.  
  
"When are they gonna get here, anyway?" She moaned as she dealt hands for an eighth game.  
  
Kate shrugged and looked at her cards. "Beats me. OOH! Good hand; you're dealing again! Did you get all the pictures you needed for Susan?"  
  
"Yeah, I think fourteen should be enough." She grinned, then frowned as she scanned the words. "Hey, have you heard of the 'Language of the Followers of Isengard'? Spelled I-S-E-N-G-U-A-R-D, by the way. 'Nother charge."  
  
Kate thought for a moment. "I haven't, actually. I didn't know orcs were smart enough to form their own language."  
  
"Probably not -- that's what disturbs me. Should that be a charge, too?"  
  
"Making orcs smarter than they are or disturbing you?"  
  
"...both!" She grinned and glanced up in time to see Aragorn's crowd coming in the gate. Gandalf had joined them, with Faith hunched over Shadowfax's neck. Anne snapped a picture of Shadowfax and made a mental note to sneak into the stables later for more. "C'mon, let's get her gun so she can't shoot Wormtongue. He still has to live for a while longer."  
  
They snuck into the Great Hall and waited for the group to come in with Faith, which (to their surprise) was not as long a wait as they had predicted. Once Aragorn laid the Sue on a bench, Anne and Kate casually stood from their crouched position in the corner, walked over to where Faith was sleeping, picked her up, and carried her out into another room. Anne made sure to nab the gun, soon to be known as Mr. Bang-bang, from where he/it was laying on the floor and stash it in her backpack.  
  
"Now what?" Kate asked as they somewhat accidentally tossed Faith onto the floor. The Sue grunted in her sleep but didn't wake. "Anne, careful! We don't want to knock her out yet!"  
  
Her partner frowned. "Darn, I wanted to... oh well. I'll settle for watching you shoot her in the head with her own machine gun."  
  
"Why do I have to use the gun? Cruel irony?"  
  
The assassin broke into a British accent. "Yeesss, you catch on straight away!"  
  
Kate raised an eyebrow at her again. "Are we channeling Master of Disguise for a reason?"  
  
"Ooommmmmm..." Anne began to chant, "I'm going to be a master of disguise! I'm going to be a master of disguise!" and dance a la Pistachio until Kate cuffed her over the head.  
  
"Quit, you'll wake her. That'll be worse than knocking her unconscious."  
  
"If you say so... Hey, let's take her gun, get pictures of Shadowfax, and portal to the Warg ambush! I like the Wargs!"  
  
"You're SO weird."  
  
~*~  
  
As they finished another photo-taking spree (and Anne found that Shadowfax didn't mind being the center of attention), they opened a "portally-doorway-thingy", according to Kate, only to step through and find themselves in YET ANOTHER wide field.  
  
"See, this is my point. Either Tolkien or Jackson had to have some sort of crazed idea to put all these stupid fields everywhere!" Anne complained, sitting on top of a rock. "What's wrong with woods!"  
  
Kate shrugged and scanned the horizon. "Because all the woods seen in the movies either have giant spiders, spear-happy elves, or Celeborn who sounds too high for his own good. Hey, there are your Wargs, Anne."  
  
"OOH!" *click*click* "Oooh, MORE!" *click*click*click*  
  
"Remind me again of how we were partnered together."  
  
"I think Upstairs wanted to make sure I didn't have any more magic mishaps with that wand of mine. Where were you before now, anyway?"  
  
Kate blinked, thinking. "...I was in Star Wars department for a while, but they took away my lightsaber because I refused to take the Lightsaber Safety Awareness training class... then I begged them to take me out of Bad Slash. THAT was a learning experience, let me tell you..."  
  
"Please don't, I'd rather not lose my lunch. But what kind of Slash did you handle?"  
  
"Mostly the original Star Trek and sometimes X-Men, but since The Fellowship of the Ring came out in theaters, they had to move me here. I lost fourteen pounds over the period of ten fics because I couldn't stomach most of the couplings."  
  
Anne shuddered. "I just worked in Harry Potter before now. I'm glad I didn't have to handle Slash, though -- just Sues. LOTS of Sues. It's something about rather adorable eleven-year-olds that catches the female eye."  
  
Kate laughed and glanced around again. "Is that why Shawn and Ben are in there?"  
  
"Yeah. I almost lost it when someone wrote a Wood Sue. Whoo, something about that accent..."  
  
"...you're drooling."  
  
"Scottish accent! I can't help it sometimes..."  
  
"Ooh, now I remember why I liked the first two movies so much..."  
  
A large crowd of people had come around a bend and were now starting to make their way towards the assassins. Anne ducked behind a rock and motioned for Kate to follow. "Idea. We watch the battle for a bit, just to see the competition between Legolas and Gimli, and portal to wherever the Sue washes to shore."  
  
"Sounds good," Kate agreed. "But first, do you think a proper description of the enemy forces would be 'mutant orcs riding on wolves that looked like Britney Spears with rabies'?"  
  
"...gag me with a pitchfork and toss me over the cliff before I have to stand more of her descriptions."  
  
"My thoughts exactly. Oh look, here they come!"  
  
In no time, the good guys spotted a scout and were ambushed by countless Warg-riders. Anne and Kate watched the fight breathlessly, applauding for Legolas, Aragorn, and Gimli whenever they slayed a creature. But eventually, Faith saw Aragorn about to fall off the cliff, pushed him out of the way, and tumbled down into the water.  
  
"A pity she didn't hit any rocks on the way down," Anne muttered as she ducked an arrow and opened the portal.  
  
~*~  
  
A large sloppy thing nuzzled Faith's neck and she opened her eyes in shock to find a pair large light brown eyes staring into hers. "Shoo horsey.." she whispered -- until she noticed a stranger atop the horse, grinning madly at her.  
  
"G'morning!" the person chirped.  
  
Another, who had gone unnoticed by Faith, shook her head. "DemiVeemon impression, I presume?"  
  
"How'd you guess?" The first laughed (more or less cackled, actually) and dismounted the horse. She glowered over Faith with an evil grin on her face. "Faith Cambell?"  
  
"...yes?" the Sue replied.  
  
"Is this yours?" The second pointed a very familiar machine gun barrel at Faith's head.  
  
"Mr. Bang-bang! You--what are you?" She asked angrily. "Eil sidoor nablee famount!"  
  
"Assassins. And save that 'Ill side-door nay-bleed flammant' for someone who cares." She scowled and nodded to the first person.  
  
"Now shut up and let me charge you." Anne cleared her throat and began to recite: "Faith Cambell, you are charged with poor spelling (including the words/names 'Isengard', 'Saruman', and 'Sauron'), interacting with the characters-- well, mostly Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Eowyn, Eomer, and Gandalf... making orcs smarter than they are, creating 'New Middle-Earth', creating your own language that sounds terrible when spoken, and being a Mary-Sue. Any last words that aren't sentimental or heart-wrenching?"  
  
Faith opened her mouth to say something, but Kate shot her before she could speak. The two hauled the corpse onto the back of the horse and, against Kate's wishes, led it through the portal into the Equipment room.  
  
"Upstairs doesn't like it when we bring back canonical animals," she warned her partner, who was lovingly stroking the steed.  
  
"Hey, she was going to name it if we hadn't killed her, so it counts as a Cute Animal Friend! Whoodagoodboyden?" Anne scratched the horse on the nose. He seemed to like being loved. "Can I keep him?"  
  
"NO. 'Sides, what would you name him?"  
  
She paused in thought, finally grinned and replied, "Luke!"  
  
"...I've now decided that I ask no further questions, for fear that I probably don't want to know the answer. Take him to Susan -- she'll love you for it."  
  
So She did. Anne casually rode Luke down the halls, which produced many strange looks from people who weren't used to her odd habits. Susan's squeal of joy could have been heard halfway to Middle-Earth. Kate was relaxing on the couch when Anne returned.  
  
"Did she like it?"  
  
Anne was holding her ear when she came in. "I don't know, I can't hardly hear anything anymore... Man, that girl has some vocals on her..."  
  
Kate was idly fingering Mr. Bang-bang, deep in thought. "Y'know, we should start a museum of stuff we bring back from Sues. Maybe a petting zoo for the Cute Animal Friends or something."  
  
"Oh, that'd be fun! Maybe we could even charge admission... and if we need, we can advertise at the party tomorrow night!"  
  
They set to work making signs and fliers for the museum, hoping that Upstairs wouldn't mind a showcase of Sue artifacts...  
  
Anne's note: Awright, another chapter finished! And we have our next mission lined up already, too! Things are going well. The Sue Museum should be interesting, but should we do it? Tell us in your review if you'd like to see something like that! And WE STILL NEED SUES TO SLAUGHTER! I have one requested, but that's only good for one chapter! I still want a Harry Potter/Lord of the Rings crossover, people! Preferably where we could go to Hogwarts... hee hee...  
  
And yes, H.R. Fayyaz, these are real stories that other people have posted. We don't have enough creativity to make up Sues of our own and kill them. True, it's brutal, but flames from anyone will be laughed at and used to cremate Sues. See, we're still remotely creative... ^^;  
  
Kate's note: YAY! I got my sword! And where are the Frodo fangirls, people?! I still need a Hobbit Hugger to kill! Heh heh. Fun. And yes, the Sue Museum WAS my idea. Amazing what chocolate and car rides can do to one's creativity, eh? And we kill Eomer fangirls, if any exist... and fanboys, too. Good luck finding them. 


	3. Elfsong

Chapter three -- Elfsong  
~*~  
  
[BEEP][BEEP][BEEP]  
  
"Shut it, I'm busy with my sign," Kate snapped at the console. The shrill beeping died to a quiet [bip] noise, as if it had heard. "That's better. Anne, you want to get that?"  
  
Anne glanced up from watching the printer spit out large numbers of brightly colored fliers. "Huh?"  
  
"The alarm just went off. Go see who we have to kill this time, would you?"  
  
Her partner shrugged and sat at the console, scanning the information. "Oh goodie, someone's reported a Sue for us; one Miranda Crystal-Bearer. She's very concerned about this." She read on. "Hmm... Oh, we'll have fun with her. Name is Nimoë, an apprentice of Galadriel or something... or that's what it sounds like... very weird. But at least I don't think she's related. No relation, no problem. ....oh, NO! A Legolust bunny! AGH!"  
  
Kate grinned. "Oh, GOODIE. We finally get a run-of-the-mill Sue. Does she do the man-guise thing, too?"  
  
"Yup. And joins the Fellowship -- AS USUAL." Anne scowled and got up to retrieve her backpack. "Oh, lookie! She gets thrown in a dungeon! But this one exists, so we can't charge her with it.... dang, she knows the books really well..."  
  
"This'll be interesting, then. C'mon, let's go! What'll we be?"  
  
"Orcs? Uruk-Hai?"  
  
"Can't be Elves, huh? Darn. That would've been good." Kate stuffed her things into her backpack and grabbed her Analysis device. "Though... Y'know, we probably could get away with being Rohan-peoples again. After all, isn't she thrown in the dungeon THERE?"  
  
Anne cackled. "Awright! More pictures of that cute guy I saw last time!" She nabbed her Polaroid and bounded towards the portal. "C'mon, the sooner we go, the sooner we get back for the party!"  
  
"Is that the reason for your good mood?"  
  
"Yup yup! Something about seeing people does that to me." She tapped a few keys to set their disguises and open the portal, which fizzed to life immediately. "Gee, that was quick. I think it's trying to get rid of us."  
  
Kate sighed. "Let's just go and get this over with."  
  
~*~  
  
As the two portalled in, Boromir and a hooded Nimoë were standing in a small clearing in the woods. Boromir had a sardonic grin upon his face, and Nimoë appeared not to feel at ease with him  
  
"No, Boromir. I do not regret it," she was saying softly, just barely loud enough for the assassins to hear. "Although sorely do I regret all of the time spent in study, when I might have found it of more use had I engaged in physical activity."  
  
Boromir reached out his hand and turned her by the shoulder so that she was facing away from him. She watched out of the corner of her eye as his hands reached up towards her neck. Hastily she brought her own hands down out of his sight, afraid that he might notice their femininity. She quashed the sensation that he might be reaching out to strangle her, and was pleasantly relieved when his strong fingers began to work into the tight muscles of her neck, shoulders and back.  
  
"The least that I can do is help ease the pain which you suffer. You have given up much to accompany us. But what is it that made you choose to come along on our journey? I think that the Lady of the Wood would not have sent you if you had objected. There must be some urgent need, known only to the Lady and to yourself."  
  
Kate discreetly coughed something that sounded like "charge list".  
  
A frisson of fear ran up Nimoë's spine and she forced herself not to shiver under his question and his touch. There was a current of tense laughter in her voice as she replied, "Is this not the most important quest of the age? Would not any Elf of good heart leap at the chance to render aid?"  
  
"And just what sort of aid do you offer, Elf? I am afraid that I am not clear on that point." Boromir's voice was soft, yet feirce and demanding.  
  
Rather desperately, Nimoë began to glance out from under her hood, hoping to see some other soul coming to speak with them, to distract this very imposing man from his pointed and uncomfortable questions. "Did not Lady Galadriel say? I am to offer you the aid of nature, in what little ways I can bend it."  
  
Anne ducked behind a tree and muttered something under her breath. "Of course. Right in the middle of THIS. Kate, get a reading on him..."  
  
"Way ahead of you." Her partner flicked her Analysis device at Boromir. Urgent, flashing letters came on the screen and startled her.  
  
[88.45%! CHARACTER RUPTURE!]  
  
"My turn, I guess..." Anne pointed her own device at Nimoë. It beeped shrilly, causing both of them to jump in surprise and pray that the Sue didn't hear.  
  
[Nimoë. Elf female. Non-canon. Mary Sue.]  
  
"Remind me to throttle Theo for installing that new alarm," Kate growled, stashing hers in her pocket. Anne followed suit and they both sat, watching as Legolas came into the scene. He seemed to be walking in a trance -- none of the canonical characters had noticed that his eyes were oddly unfocused. But then again, everyone looked that way when under the Spell of the Sue. Kate grimaced and halfway succeeded in suppressing a spontaneous yelp of pain.  
  
"What is it?"  
  
Kate quickly brought out her Analysis device, juggled it for a moment, and dropped it onto the ground and snarled. "It shorted! Look!" Sure enough, the small black hand-held electronic was spitting showers of sparks in varying directions, and a small stream of smoke was now coming from somewhere behind the screen.  
  
Anne let out a low whistle. "Dude. Now Theo's going to throttle you if you don't get him first."  
  
"Tell me about it. But we know all the people are out of character, right?"  
  
"I'm pretty sure only Tolkien could have gotten the fellowship a hundred percent 'in character'."  
  
"Good. That makes this a little easier."  
  
The Legolas and Boromir were finished talking, so they led Nimoë back to their campsite. Anne and Kate were left to follow, wondering if their electronics-expert would kill or be killed upon return to headquarters. However, once everyone had reached the camp, Aragorn had finished loading the boats. Kate winced as her device accidenally zapped her with round of sparks.  
  
"I'm starting to despise this thing," she growled, more to herself than her partner.  
  
While everyone else took their boats to the water, the two assassins followed on foot along the shoreline, but made sure to stay out of sight from the Sue.  
  
Anne sang softly to herself as they hurried through the woods. " 'Ten miles wide, once inch deep, An endless surface with nothing underneath...' Hey y'know, if we ever get a vacation, we should come here and go canoeing. Maybe we can find some non-Middle-Earthean rapids... 'Underneath her vast exterior, Her depth is proven to be inferior'--'"  
  
"You think?" Kate grinned. "I used to love rafting when I lived in reality. And canoeing. Anything that involved water, actually. Who does that song that you're singing?"  
  
"Solomon's Wish. They've got some great stuff out, but I can't seem to find a CD anywhere..."  
  
"Cool. Hey, Do you think Theo will be at the party tonight? I still have to strangle him."  
  
"No, but I heard the peole from the Department of Bad Slash saying that Upstairs never cleared the party. Heck, I'm not sure they even know..." She cackled madly, earning a wary glance in their direction from Nimoë. "Oops... oh well. I guess he will be, though, if he's not fixing anything."  
  
By the time the fellowship had stopped, Anne and Kate were still back at the Argonath taking pictures.  
  
"Are you DONE yet?" Kate asked drearily, perched on top of a tree branch.  
  
Anne snapped one last shot of the giant stone monuments and sighed. "Yeah. Ooh, look! A LIZARD!"  
  
Kate groaned. "Oh great. What are you going to do with a lizard?"  
  
"Keep it, since you wouldn't let me keep Luke."  
  
"Brother. Just leave the lizard and c'mon, they've already stopped!"  
  
The two assassins portalled to the campsite just as Nimoë asked, "where is Boromir?" and Merry, "where is Frodo?"  
  
Aragorn spoke, "We must find Frodo. If he were to come to harm, all our toil would be for naught. I will go to the top of the hill. The rest of you, stay near to one another, and see what you can find." Then he ran off up the hill.  
  
Legolas looked at Nimoë with a peculiar expression on his face. "Nimrodel, you should stay close to me. If your training is in the more peaceful arts, you should remain with a fighter. Do not stray." Nimoë was relieved that she had an excuse now to stay close to someone with a weapon and the knowledge of how to wield it.  
  
Anne scowled. "Nooo, you're just glad you get to stay buddy-buddy with Mr. Hot Elf-Pants."  
  
Kate stared at her with a startled expression. "Mr. WHAT?"  
  
A moment of silence and the Fellowship scrambling around for their lost members passed before Anne shrugged and weakly grinned. "You learn interesting things when you stay up late looking for Lord of the Rings message boards with entertaining conversations."  
  
"I'll believe it."  
  
"Ooh, if we portal now, we can get to the Uruk-Hai fight before they do! Front row seats, baby!" The assassin pumped her fist in the air excitedly.  
  
Her partner hung her head and moaned. "You don't need any more sugar." She handed Anne the remote activator, which remotely activated them into the branches of a tree.  
  
"Oof... owie." Anne righted herself on her branch and glanced around eagerly. "Yay, free show of butt-kicking!"  
  
"Did you watch wrestling back in reality or something?" Kate asked, all the while trying to figure out why and how her shoe a branch above where the rest of her body had landed.  
  
She shrugged again. "Only because it was on before CSI, and it never managed to end when it was supposed to. Hey, Aragorn's already fighting, look!"  
  
Sure enough, hordes of Uruc-Hai had swarmed upon Aragorn, who was managing to keep his own in the battle. Anne started cheering, "HIT 'EM WITH THE CHAIR!" until Kate threatened to knock her from her branch, and the two glanced over to the top of the hill in time to see Legolas, Gimli, and Nimoë come up and over with a crashing halt.  
  
More Uruk-Hai soldiers seemed to flood the forest as the fellowship started to fight. The two assassins watched as Nimoë happened to cut an enemy arm with her small sword, but was backed into a corner by two more. Legolas shot those two in the skull and immediately jumped in front of the other elf, protecting her from oncoming danger.  
  
"To Legolas, the bravest of us all!" Anne exclaimed in a moment of over-zealousness and Mulan quotes. This also caused her to almost fall backwards out of the tree.  
  
Kate grinned as Aragorn lopped the head off of a soldier. "Awesome! Are you getting pictures?"  
  
"Oops, forgot!" She quickly brought out the Polaroid and began clicking away madly. "Whoo HOO! Awright, GO GIMLI!"  
  
"Your voice carries. Did you know that she can probably hear you?"  
  
"Sorry. I keep forgetting that I'm not inaudible."  
  
A blast from horn of Gondor filled the air, and without hesitation the members of the Fellowship ran towards the sound. Kate and Anne, not wanting to see Boromir's ever-famous death scene, promptly decided to portal onwards in the plot.  
  
"On the bright side, at least she doesn't have multiple flying potholes," Anne commented as they swung down from the tree.  
  
Kate grunted as she hit the ground. "Ouch. That's true, and I'm kind of glad. Plotholes give me a headache sometimes."  
  
"How's the charge list coming?"  
  
"She's joined the Fellowship, she has magic, and she's a Sue. All in all, not too good. But we can get her for intentionally throwing herself in a dungeon just so that Legolas can play nurse for her."  
  
"Hurt/comfort should be a torturing offence," Anne muttered. "Oh wait, it's a killing offence...!" An evil grin spread across her face until she looked up at the words, which caused the grin to contort into a look of disgust. "Oh, SICK... No wonder the Analysis device shorted -- listen to this: "Won't you open your eyes? I miss their color, like a cloud filled sky, with the sun filtering through. Will you not give me this one joy on a day filled with sorrow?" Oh my word, how chicky is that?"  
  
"Don't tell me Legolas says that... PLEASE, don't tell me the Sue is a hopeless romantic..."  
  
"Most Sues ARE hopeless romantics, I grant you; and that WAS Legolas speaking."  
  
Kate looked as if she were about to vomit. "I asked you not to tell me that... can we charge her with almost making me sick to my stomach?"  
  
Anne sighed and ignored the tail-end of the sentence. "I say we portal to Rohan, wait for Theoden and Wormtongue to throw her in the dungeon, and nab her while she's still bound." She pulled out the remote activator and opened another portal. "Gee, I just thought of something -- maybe that guy I saw last time was only in that other Sue's messed-up version of the canon..."  
  
"Why do I put up with you?" Kate asked of the sky as she followed her partner through the portal.  
  
They appeared in front of the stables in Rohan, much to Anne's joy. "Awright, horse pictures!"  
  
"Even though Shadowfax isn't here?"  
  
"...agh, stinky monkey. Oh well, I brought cards!" She dug around in her bag and produced her ever-faithful deck of cards. "So, what'cha want to play? Egyptian Rat Race? Spit? Blackjack? Poker?"  
  
"I don't know how to play Poker. Or Blackjack, for that matter."  
  
"Steve taught me once, but I forgot anyway. Blackjack is the same as Twenty-One -- I vote for Spit."  
  
"Seconded and thirded; motion passed, Your Honor."  
  
~*~  
  
Fourteen rounds of Spit later, neither had won and no Fellowship-type humanoid lifeforms had arrived. Anne anxiously shuffled her portion of the deck, which had grown considerably smaller in the past two rounds, and glanced around. "I hate waiting like this. It's so unnerving... sitting here in broad daylight, right where a Sue could see us and shoot us..."  
  
"Oh, don't worry about it." Kate laid her cards in a five-row version of Solitaire and scowled at the large number of cards still in her own deck. "Who taught you this game, anyway?"  
  
"Theo. And I taught it to Steve (you know, the guy from the Star Wars department), and he taught it to Susan, who taught it to Nicole, who tried to re-teach it to me. Rather odd how our circle of friends doesn't communicate card game origins, isn't it?"  
  
Her partner raised an eyebrow at her. "Why should they?"  
  
"Beats me. Ready? Ready ready? Ready ready--"  
  
"People alert!" Kate quickly pointed out a group of horsemen entered the gate and helped Anne get the cards back into one deck. Nimoë was in line behind Eomer as they approached where the PPCs were hiding. A stablehand appeared and took the horses away after everyone had dismounted, not noticing Anne and Kate following the entire group into Theoden's Hall.  
  
There was bickering and arguing for quite a few minutes between Wormtongue, Theoden, and Eomer, but finally it was decided that Nimoë should be bound, gagged, and thrown into the dungeon. So the guards did as told and left Anne and Kate finishing a round of Rummy in the shadows.  
  
"Think we should follow yet?" Anne asked, picking up most of the "discard pile".  
  
Kate scowled at her and shook her head. "Not yet. And I wanted those cards!"  
  
"Too bad -- they're mine now. And..." she triumphantly put down three fours; the Queen, King, and Ace of Hearts; four sixes; discarded the Jack of Diamonds and laughed. "...I win! Let's go!"  
  
"I'm starting to think you've marked your deck..."  
  
~*~  
  
"...is it time yet?"  
  
"NOT YET. The same answer I gave you five minutes ago." Kate scowled and found Nimoë's discarded sword in a corner of the dungeon. "Do you want this one, since I got that Rambo-wanna-be last time?"  
  
Anne shrugged. "Eh, sure. But can I use her own sword to kill her?"  
  
"I like the cruel irony, but I'd suggest using arrows, if you can find some in less than ten minutes. It's more effective -- especially if you shoot her in the throat."  
  
"Eeew, gore..." Anne dashed off without another word, and quickly returned with a bow and a quiver of arrows. "This should work. She's probably too weak to protest, anyway."  
  
Nimoë heard the door open and watched two women enter. Vaguely she heard a mutter from one to the other as they knelt in front of her, lifting her to her feet.  
  
One of women spoke in a cold tone. "Can you understand me?" Nimoë nodded. "Good. Kate, charge her."  
  
The second stood before the elven maiden, arms crossed in a tired manner. "Okay... Nimoë, you are hereby charged with the crimes of interfering with the characters Galadriel, Eomer, Eowyn, Theoden, Grima Wormtongue, and everyone in the Fellowship; being Galadriel's apprentice, practicing non-Middle-Earthean magic, joining the Fellowship, taking a man's guise to do so, having yourself thrown into a dungeon and malnourished just so Legolas could nurse you back to health, and being a Mary Sue." She took a deep breath and grinned menacingly. "Any last words?"  
  
Nimoë raised her eyes to the young woman and tried to speak, but all that came out was a croak.  
  
"Good enough for me!" Anne raised an arrow to her ear and grimaced. "Oh... and, by the way, Boromir would NOT give you a backrub voluntarily." She shot the elf in the throat and watched her fall to the stone floor, dead. "Another job well done. And we'll make it back in time for the party!"  
  
Kate gazed longingly at the sword. "I want to keep this."  
  
"You already have one, remember?"  
  
"Yeah, but that wasn't an ELF sword. This is lighter than the other one..."  
  
"Bother." Anne pulled out her wand and hesitated. "Gee, I don't remember a good spell for making her explode... Oh well, there's always old faithful: Burning her corpse!"  
  
Her partner sighed. "You've done that one recently. Let's feed her to a band of Orcs or something."  
  
~*~  
  
An hour later, a band of Orcs had finished a meal of Elf-flesh and two assassins had returned to their department in time to catch a teenage boy leaving their response center. He yelped and jumped backwards as they appeared in front of him, causing him to trip and fall on his rear end.  
  
"Geez, why do you have to do that?" He growled as Anne helped him to his feet.  
  
Kate shrugged. "We're assassins, Theo, it's our job to scare people before we kill them." She gave him a rather evil grin. Theo shuddered and handed Anne a replacement for the shorted Analysis Device.  
  
"Hey, how did you know we needed one of these?" Anne asked.  
  
He ran a hand through his short, dark brown hair. "I figured it was about time for a new one. I have four or five waiting in my workshop... I need the backup at the rate you guys break them." Kate snarled at him, and he jumped behind Anne for safety. "I was kidding! Anyway, I've got to get back and finish a safety lock for Steve's lightsaber if I want to make it to the party tonight."  
  
As Theo turned to leave, Anne called after him. "Oh, by the way, how do I turn off the alarm on my Device?"  
  
"Hit the mute button, genius."  
  
The two assassins exchanged glances. "Wow..." Kate shook her head. "Simple, yet so blatantly obvious that neither of us would have guessed."  
  
Anne bounded into their response center to retrieve her fliers for the Sue Museum. "Whoo-hoo! I'm ready, get your sign and we'll go! ...where is the party, anyway? Harry Potter Department?"  
  
"Um..." her partner checked the note left by the HPD and nodded. "Yeah. Hey, are you going to change before we go?" She examined her own black uniform and stared at the Mary Sue Department emblem that had been sewen onto the left breast pocket; a small potted cactus. No one had asked why on earth a cactus was the Sue Department's insignia. "I want to."  
  
"I might. I like my tee-shirts and holey jeans."  
  
After the two had changed into real clothes and gathered their advertisements, they headed down the hallways towards the Harry Potter Department. It was a bit of a walk, since Kate kept paying attention to where they were going, but after a while they reached their destination. A large crowd of people had already arrived and had started playing loud music, much to Kate's annoyance and Anne's enjoyment ("Why doesn't anyone like classical or instrumental anymore?" She demanded of the ceiling).  
  
Theo and another dark-haired teenage boy greeted them as they arrived. "Hey, what took you two so long?" The second boy asked, a grin coming onto his face.  
  
"Hey, Steve! Kate had trouble with finding a shirt she wanted to wear," Anne replied with a roll of her eyes, which Kate did not see; she had already started weaving through the crowd, looking for other people that she knew.  
  
A girl with thin-rimmed glasses came up behind Steve, grabbed his shoulders, and yelled loudly to startle him. "Ha! Gotcha!"  
  
He groaned. "Anna, why do you have to do that?"  
  
The girl grinned evilly (which was a normal and rather fitting look for her) and ran a hand through her dyed reddish-brown hair. "I'm Crazy Hellga, remember? I told you that when I first transfered to our department." Hellga gave Anne a cocky smile. "Didn't you hear? Steve and I working together now!"  
  
Anne tried to smile as politely as she could; in truth, the girl annoyed her. "No, I didn't know that. What happened to Daniel?"  
  
Steve scratched the back of his neck and gave a small laugh. "Um... he was transfered to the Baldur's Gate Department. Upstairs has been reassigning so many people nowadays, it's hard to keep a good partner..."  
  
"Reassignments?" A male voice from behind caused Anne to jump and crash into Steve before he caught her. Derin, who had been standing behind Anne for the past few minutes, suppressed a snicker and earned a knock over the head from Susan.  
  
"That wasn't nice, you little Imp," she scolded with a grin of her own as Anne stood and apologized to Steve.  
  
Derin cackled for a moment, then turned back to the conversation. "What was that you were saying about Upstairs reassigning people?"  
  
"They've been on a reassigning streak lately," a girl from behind Susan chimed in. "I've been through three partners in the past month so far!"  
  
"What's your area?" Anne asked.  
  
The girl smiled. "I'm sorry! I'm Kasia, in the Baldur's Gate Department. I just got a guy from Star Wars... we're still having trouble with the fact that he brought his lightsaber. I keep telling him that they're too outlandish for our area of the Continuum, but... oh well."  
  
Steve laughed. "That's Daniel, all right. He was my partner for about a year; just make sure he doesn't break anything or cause canonical characters fatal injuries with his 'saber."  
  
Two more guys came and joined the conversation. "Hey, how are y'all liking the party so far?" One asked, grinning and slapping high-fives with everyone.  
  
"It's great, Ben." Anne glanced up at the two, since they towered over her easily by five or six inches. "Shawn, what CD is this?"  
  
The second thought for a moment, then replied in his normal British accent. "I don't know... Is it one of yours?" He asked Ben, who shrugged.  
  
"It sounds like Smash Mouth," Hellga offered helpfully.  
  
"Beats me, Cainan from the Rurouni Kenshin Department probably put it in. I was going to go change it to Goo Goo Dolls or Relient K, anyway."  
  
"Give me Luna Halo any day," Shawn muttered. "Go change it, mate, before I do."  
  
Someone grabbed Anne in a hug from behind, and she spun around to see a girl slightly shorter than she, grinning and looking innocent. "Hey, Grace! How's the X-Men Department?"  
  
Grace moaned. "Terrible, ever since X2 came out in theaters. You'd think people would run out of theories about Dr. Grey's reincarnation-ish reappearance after a while, but noooo. The weirdest one so far is where she possesses Storm, so she and Cyclops HAVE to make out..."  
  
"That sounds like hell," Steve muttered. "I'm glad I just have Star Wars Sues to deal with -- at least there's always some way to kill them in the end."  
  
"I know, I'd hate having to right the minds of two canonical characters," Anne agreed with a sigh. "...hey, has anyone seen where Kate went?"  
  
As if on cue, Kate popped into the conversation with a tall, red-readed guy in tow.  
  
Kasia stared for a moment and took a head-count. "This crowd keeps growing on us!"  
  
"Tell me about it," Shawn mumbled. "I'm starting to miss my personal space..."  
  
"Paul! WASSUP!" Ben, in his daily moment of overzealousness, went for a high-five from the latter. "How's the CSI Department?"  
  
Paul grinned at everyone before answering. "Not too bad. But my brother---" he was suddenly interrupted by a wild eleven-year-old who jumped onto his back from behind. "Matt, get OFF," he groaned. "As you can see, my brother is a bit of a pain around large numbers of people."  
  
The boy (and brother), Matt, sighed and dismounted, waving eagerly at the crowd. "Hey! Why are y'all over here when the food table's over THERE?"  
  
Every male face in the small congrigated crowd of friends lit up at the mention of food. Anne, Grace, Kate, and Susan would have shared a sweatdrop moment had they been in an Anime continuum.  
  
~*~  
  
At the end of the party, Anne and Kate retired to their response center, the pile of fliers completely handed out. They collapsed on separate couches and shared a happy sigh.  
  
"That was SO fun," Anne declared.  
  
Kate laughed. "I know. I wonder if Upstairs knows that we were down there all night...?"  
  
The console gave a long beep, which produced a loud groan from both assassins. Anne slowly stood to check their next assignment. "Let's see what we've got..." Another sigh escaped her as she pushed a couple of buttons and stopped to scan the readout. "OK, she's an elf... being forced to marry Legol---" she stopped midsentence and felt her jaw fall open in horror.  
  
"What?" Kate sat up on her couch and raised an eyebrow. "How bad is it?"  
  
All Anne could do was make a strangled squeaking noise before she fainted dead away.  
  
Kate's note: Wow, the next one has to be BAD if Anne faints. I can only wait in horror... *cackles madly, then stops* Anyway, I want to apologize to Lyniss -- we had to kill her Sue, even though it was book based and well-written... No hard feelings, I hope. All the same, I still don't recommend reading "Elfsong" and its sequel, "Song of the Heart", because of... certain objectionable content concerning a bed. If only we could convince some of the Sue-writers to write with their own characters instead of someone else's... And by the way, many thank-you's to Miranda Crystal-Bearer for this fic!  
  
Anne's note: YES, I FAINTED! Or I wanted to, at least, when I was reading over the next chapter's vict--I mean, fic. Trust me: it'll be rather interesting. And thanks to Miranda Crystal-Bearer for sending us this fic! And more thanks go to Hellga and Kasia for sending us fics... I promise, we're trying to get to them. And I have to say this every chapter: PLEASE SEND US SUES! We have yet to have a Frodo fangirl, and I wanna smack her upside the head when we do! Kate would like having a good round of stress relief, too, I'm sure...  
  
Bleah. I didn't like this fic... too much Sue. But then again, what would we be doing here if there WASN'T a Sue, I ask you? Ah, well. All in a day's work, I guess. 


	4. Arsarmwen

Chapter four -- Arsarmwen  
~*~  
  
"...Anne, time to wake up..."  
  
Anne moaned and groggily opened her eyes. Kate was standing over her, a concerned expression etched on her face. "Huh...? What?" Despite the headache, she stood and groped for support from the desk. "What happened?"  
  
"You saw the readout and fainted," her partner replied lightly, bending down to sling her backpack over her shoulders. "C'mon, get up, we have to go kill her. You can have her, if you want."  
  
"My pleasure." Anne growled under her breath. If there was one thing she hated more than Mary Sues, it was a Preppy Sue. "My word; that girl has perfect skin, perfect hair, a perfect voice, perfect clothes, and CRYSTAL LIP GLOSS! Elves don't HAVE bloody lip gloss! You see why I fainted?!"  
  
Kate sighed. "Yeah, I read it, too. I actually had time, so I read through the entire story..." her left eye twitched, as it often did when she was either stressed or annoyed. "I'm only letting you have her because you hate Preps more than I do."  
  
"Darn right, I do. Can I call her bad things?"  
  
"As long as those 'bad things' don't include swear words."  
  
"But her name is supposed to mean 'Bloody Hell' -- can't I, pleeease?"  
  
"NO."  
  
"...confound you. Confound and bother you." Anne quickly packed her equipment and headed for her remote activator. "Let's get her before a Freudian Slip catches up with me, shall we? What are we this time?"  
  
"We could be Elves. It'd be a lot easier in the beginning, at least, since it's in..." Kate gave her a level stare. "...'Rivindale'."  
  
Anne's eye twitched as well. "Oh, MY," she moaned, slipping into a British accent.  
  
"I'm going to ignore the fact that you just did a rather good impression of Archibald Asparagus and ask you to open the portal."  
  
"Done!" The door-like portal fizzed to life at her command. "And I say we should be orcs or Uruk-Hai -- something menacing like that!"  
  
Kate grinned. "Let's be orcs. We can pick her off at one of the battles..." Anne cackled in response and led the way through the portal, half-dragging her partner behind.  
  
~*~  
  
Arsarmwen, second high daughter of Elrond, sang a lilting melody. Her beautiful voice reverberated across the courtyard inside of Rivindale like a birds sweet melody.  
  
Anne's eye twitched. "Oy. RIVINDALE..." She pulled out her Canon Analysis Device and weakly waved it in the Sue's direction.  
  
[Arsarmwen. Elf female. Non-canon. Mary Sue.]  
  
"I know." Kate shrugged. "But at least her vocabulary isn't tremendously horrible."  
  
The melody was cut short when Arsarmwen sighed, staring out into the courtyard. "Father said some delegates are coming to talk to him about something." She stated to a small brown sparrow, which nodded in sympathy. "I wonder who he'll try to get my to Marry this time."  
  
"Dang, what's with the sparrow? Cute Animal Friend?"  
  
"Nope. Cute Animal Friend-Of-The-Chapter." Anne snickered at her own joke and focused back on the female elf in her room. They had climbed a nearby tree and were safely watching from a short distance; it was pure luck that they were still able to see and hear perfectly well without being seen. It was not every day a pair of orcs were seen lounging in trees in Rivendell.  
  
Arsarmwen sighed again. Ever since she had come of age, if elfs could do that, her father had been trying to marry her off to various princes and politicians. "I don't want to marry." She stated, sighing once more.  
  
"I don't want to ride in the cart!" Kate wailed a la Monty Python.  
  
Anne stifled a laugh. "Oh, don't be such a baby," she replied, adding the quote with a grin. "But on a serious note, 'elfs' don't have politicians."  
  
It wasn't that she thought herself ugly in any case, because she knew she wasn't. On contrary, she knew she was breathtakingly beautiful.  
  
She had hip length long golden hair that tumbled down her back in golden waves. In certain lights, however, showed that her hair contained the lightest touch of red.  
  
Her eyes were as green as springs newest leaves, and they always shined merrily. However, when she got angry, a gold corona surrounded her eyes.  
  
She had a cute, heart shaped face that was covered with pale, almost translucent skin. She had a button nose that was perked to perfection. Her lips were cherry red and full, looking absolutely kissable.  
  
Anne gripped her branch and closed her eyes tightly, muttering repeatedly that she wouldn't throw up. Kate raised an eyebrow and warily scooted a little farther away. "Darn two-sentence paragraphs. How can she have GREEN eyes with GOLD around the edge?!" Her partner finally growled. "I'm about to pull a liquid laugh all over her ego!"  
  
Kate shrugged again. "I'd let you, but then she'd find us. Now hush, Elrond's coming in!"  
  
A knock sounded. "Come in." Arsarmwen commanded wearily. Even when she wasn't happy, her voice was completely musical.  
  
Anne gagged.  
  
Her father slowly came in. "Arsarmwen, I want you to come to this very secret meeting. It's secret, so you can't tell you're friends."  
  
Kate and Anne gagged in unison, but Kate managed to pull out her Character Analysis device and point it at Elrond.  
  
[Elrond. Elf male. Non canon. Bit character.]  
  
"It can't even tell that Elrond's a canonical character!" She exclaimed remorsefully. "She's SO gonna die."  
  
"Tell me something I didn't already know. Noose, arrow, sword, or wand?"  
  
Kate grinned evilly. "Whatsay a lovely death curse upon her lovely head...?"  
  
"Though it's tempting, I might be thrown out for that," Anne commented loftily, fingering the wand that stuck ominously out of her backpack. "But maybe a flaming arrow would work... or dousing our swords with kero and setting them on fire to follow the flaming arrows..."  
  
"Aaah, Anne the Pyro at work again. We'll figure that out later -- we're missing opprotunities to charge her! Elrond's already gone, anyway."  
  
"GOOD."  
  
Arsarmwen closed her window, then slid into her new dress. It was a dark forest green, and it made her eyes light up.  
  
The dress shimmered in the light a dark gold color. It was slightly low cut, but not quite in the immodest way. It was edged with gold ribbon, and it complimented her slim shoulders, tiny waist, and big bust. The dress reached to the floor, and was of a floaty material. It was a beautiful dress, just as Arsarmwen was a beautiful elf.  
  
"I thought she said the dress was green," Kate mused.  
  
Anne shook her head. "How can you non-immodestly wear a low-cut dress with a 'big bust'? Doesn't seem right. And what is it with her and green things that turn gold, for goodness' sake? I'm outta here... you may stay if you wish, or we could read the words and build a charge list while we wait for the Council yet again."  
  
Her partner cocked her head to the side. "They always like the Council. Huh... that was actually a very dull part of the book for me, personally."  
  
"We could walk or we could portal. Your choice."  
  
"Walking; we might see the Hobbits somewhere!"  
  
"Should've known..."  
  
~*~  
  
As the two assassins sat near where the council was to be, Anne's deck of slightly-worn cards had been put to use in three games of Spit, five rounds of Rummy, and one ongoing game of Egyptian Rat Race. "Y'know, I hate the way this Sue is operating," Anne muttered as she lost a reasonably-sized pile to her partner.  
  
"Why? Aside from the fact that she's a prep in disguise." Kate raised an eyebrow at her as a sudden look of revelation came over her face. "...what?"  
  
"There's a song in that somewhere..." Putting down her deck, Anne pressed her finger to her forehead, as she often did when deep in thought. Kate could've sworn she saw smoke coming from her partner's ears until she began to sing. "You look like a Canon... walk like a Canon... talk like a Canon... but I got wise; you're a Mary Sue in disguise--"  
  
Kate cried out in horror. "AGH! Elvis lives!" It was indeed disturbing; not from the song, but from the little dance her partner had started as she sang. It just wasn't meant to be performed by an orc.  
  
Anne shrugged, grinning. "Hey, did you hear the parody Beth came up with? You look like a noodle... walk like a noodle... talk like a noodle... but I got wise; you're a jelly donut in disguise! Oh yes you are, a jelly donut in disguise---"  
  
"AAGH! Is this what you do in your spare time?!"  
  
"The stewpot knows how you lied to me--- huh? No, I take wand lessons from the guys in the Harry Potter Department."  
  
The two silenced as attendees filed into the stone courtyard. Arsarmwen took a seat next to Gandalf, which was only mildly surprising; the thing more surprising was her description.  
  
Anne's eyes narrowed dangerously as she read the words. " 'CRANKY OLD MAN'? Who in the world does she--"  
  
"Shh, she can hear us," Kate warned her, nervously peeking over her shoulder.  
  
The meeting went along as it should, and Legolas day-dreamed, only pausing to defend Aragorn, who was a friend. He put a few comments here and there, then got angry at the stupid, stunted thing that was unfortunately called a 'person'. In other words, Gimli the Dwarf.  
  
"Bloody Sue and her lack of detail. Do elves daydream? Is Gimli a person or a dwarf? WHERE IS THE JUSTICE?!" Anne whispered angrily.  
  
Then the arguing ensued, and the hobbit that went by the name of Frodo volunteered to take the ring. He surprised Legolas, but Legolas could tell that it was the right choice.  
  
"Darn glad the repetition hadn't choked him to death yet." Kate beat her forehead with her fist. "This is what all those years of taking English classes in reality did to me!"  
  
Then Aragorn stood up. "You have my sword, and my life." He said, smiling down at the nervous hobbit.  
  
Legolas felt himself moving to join them. "You have my bow."  
  
Gimli also moved up, his small eyes shifty. "And my Axe." He said gruffly ("I'll 'shifty' you in a minute, sweetie," Anne snarled.).  
  
Boromir, who Legolas wasn't sure he liked, also stood up. "As it is the will of the counsel, Gondor will see it done." He said, standing proudly.  
  
To Legolas's surprise, the beautiful she-elf also stood up. "I will go, with the blessings of my father." She said, her eyes gold tinged.  
  
"DARN... HER..." Anne took to strangling a strap on her backpack. "Getting... annoyed... beyond... mortal... comprehension..."  
  
"Breathe, Anne. Deep breaths." Kate shook her head. "If the analysis devices went crazy with Elrond, imagine Legolas... I only hope it's not melting a hole in my backpack."  
  
Legolas felt an impulse to protect her. "Milady, I'm not sure that would be wise." He said quickly. "There is a chance you could be harmed."  
  
The beautiful she-elf glared at him. "I am well aware of the ramifications of my choice." She said bitingly, then smiled down at Frodo, who's bright, big blue eyes were wide. "You have my dagger, and my sword." She said. "And the blessings of the women-folk of middle earth."  
  
Anne was now covering her head and writhing in mental agony on the ground. "Dear GOD, DELIVER US! Where in the bloody realm of Middle Earth did they get an elf as a women's rights activist?! IT'S a FELLOWship for a REASON!" She moaned in an aggrivated whisper. How she was not overheard was indeed a miracle in itself.  
  
Elrond pursed his lips. "Indeed we can't, when one of you is summoned to a secret meeting and you are not." He said, peering at him.  
  
"Yes, it's the very secret meeting that was a secret, so none of her friends could know because it was very secret," Kate whispered in a mocking tone.  
  
Anne moaned again and sat up. "I'm fine. Really. Would flaming arrows be enough, or should we just cut her head off?"  
  
"Dunno." Kate peered at the scene again before digging around in her backpack. Sure enough, the poor Character Analysis Device had long been shorted out; they assumed it had when Legolas and Elrond entered at the same time. "Look, they're finally done!"  
  
Elrond stood up. "Ten companions." He said, smiling warmly at them. "Then you shall be the fellowship of the Ring."  
  
The hobbit that was called Pip grinned again. "So where is it that we're going?"  
  
Legolas felt like hitting his head against the stone pillar.  
  
Anne had to be bodily restrained from hitting her head against a stone pillar.  
  
~*~  
  
"She can't quote anything for beans, she's a prep, she's a SUE, she got all of them so far out of character that you can't poke 'em with a stick..."  
  
Kate listened to Anne's ramblings as they stepped through the remotely activated portal. She had been going on like this for quite some time, but once she started on the downhill stretch, there was no stopping her.  
  
"And on top of all that, I didn't appreciate being sat upon," she finished sharply.  
  
"It was the only way to keep you from giving away our location!" Kate snapped. "Just cool it. We'll kill her when the time comes."  
  
"How 'bout now?"  
  
"We wait 'til the first available breach of canon."  
  
"...Kate, she IS a breach of canon."  
  
"Good point. But we're still waiting."  
  
Sitting down at the trunk of a random tree, Anne let out a tired sigh. "Didn't think we were lucky enough to kill her off now. I was hoping to see Upstairs today about getting a vacation."  
  
Kate groaned painfully as she sat down next to her. "Ouch, that hurts... Sounds like a good idea. Where to? Mordor? Isengard? Rivendell? Hobbit--OOH! We have to go to the Shire!" She squealed. Anne had never before seen an orc squeal in delight.  
  
"Down, down! I'm working on it!" She jumped and whirled at the sound of footsteps coming through the forest, managing to catch a glimpse of the passing Fellowship plus one. "Look, they're here..." she stifled a snort. "Aww, ookada poow ikle ewfiekins, aww covered in mud... poow baby!"  
  
Her partner bit her lip to keep from laughing. "Dang, she signed up for this road trip and didn't pause to think about the grime factor, huh? No Sue does, I think. ...no, wait, I take it back. She has ash soap with her." She made a face.  
  
Anne blinked. "Ash soap. While it's resourceful, I have no memory of it being in any of Tolkien's works. Sounds a bit too colonial-ish, anyway..."  
  
As far as the two could see, the Fellowship were setting up camp for the night. Arsarmwen had gone off on her own to try and clean herself up a bit, while the canonical characters seemed to almost act normally. "This is what happens when a Sue forgets to describe the actions of others!" Kate declared. "And it's about as normal as they'll be until she's gone."  
  
Arsarmwen heard a deep set of footprints coming towards her, and she turned slightly.  
  
Boromir of Gondor was walking towards her. "Arsarmwen, Samwise has finished cooking." He said bluntly.  
  
"Towards her, towards her... it makes my head hurt," Anne moaned.  
  
Arsarmwen nodded to him, collected her ash-soap, and started walking back to the main camp. She could hear the hobbits talking merrily, and that cheered her up a bit.  
  
Then, she saw the tall silhouette of Legolas stiffen against the fire, then all hell broke loose.  
  
Orcs poured into the small clearing, their mockery of swords held high in the darkness.  
  
Anne and Kate exchanged glances. "Here's the plan," Kate began hurredly. "We run in, wait 'til she falls, and drag her off. It shouldn't be long -- we just have to wait behind a tree and hope none of the Fellowship spot us."  
  
"Okay. But what if they do?"  
  
"Beats me, I'm only trying to get the Sue out of there!"  
  
"...right."  
  
Arsarmwen yelled, diving towards where her sword and dagger were laying in a neat pile. She grabbed her sword, bringing it up in a want-to-be guarding position.  
  
An orc rushed by her, carelessly hitting her aside by the flat of his blade. Arsarmwen choked back a yell, feeling her side bruise badly.  
  
A quick look up to the orc revealed it to not even be aware of her presence. He had just whacked her with his sword by chance, and hadn't even realized it!  
  
"Maybe it realized it, but did the right thing and tried to ignore you," Anne growled.  
  
Arsarmwen stumbled to her feet, grasping her sword. An orc had stepped on it, and it was hideously bent. Not broken, bent. It was ridiculous.  
  
"Utumno agar tummen!" She yelled loudly, which wasn't exactly the brightest thing in the world to do.  
  
Kate's eyes were wide with horror. "How the... how on earth did that happen? It's an elven sword -- THEY DON'T BEND!" She exclaimed angrily. "It's light, but it's not a piece of tin foil, for cryin' out loud!"  
  
"I know... and what the heck is 'Unnundo aragog tommen' supposed to mean? 'Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries'?"  
  
"Maybe 'Go away before I taunt you a second time'," her partner replied, breaking into a French accent.  
  
A few orcs, whose focus was focused on Boromir, turned and gaped at Arsarmwen. Then, with a grunt of challenge, one of them charged at her.  
  
She yelled in surprise, throwing her sword at the nearest orc. It hit it in the head, the hilt clunking uselessly in the middle of its forehead.  
  
It haltered for a few moments, appeared to be a bit disorientated, then it growled at her. It picked up her rather mangled sword and chucked it at her.  
  
Arsarmwen ducked, then rolled out of the way as another orc went thundering past her, intending to spear her with its.weapon. You couldn't really call them swords.  
  
"If the paragraphs don't kill me, the side remarks will..." Kate moaned.  
  
Arsarmwen's hand closed around her dagger, and she slashed with it at another orc's leg. It looked down at her, slightly puzzled almost.  
  
Then Arsarmwen did the one thing she had been wanting to do ever since she had started fighting with the orcs.  
  
She screamed.  
  
Loudly, piercingly, and stridently.  
  
And yet, one of the orcs near her had the audacity to laugh at her.  
  
Anne and Kate, however, were crouching in mortal pain and agony, covering their ears. "I can't even hit that note," Anne growled.  
  
Kate cringed. "I thought that was only achieved by three-year-olds and Junior High boys!"  
  
That orc cut down at her with his weapon, striking her collarbone. She thankfully wasn't hit with the cutting edge, but all the same, she heard a dull cracking noise, and she was pretty sure she had broken it.  
  
The orc who had stricken her soon got payback as soon as a sword pierced its chest.  
  
Arsarmwen, who's vision was beginning to waver and be edged with grey, was roughly picked up and shoved out of the way.  
  
"Stay here, Arsarmwen." She heard-Boromir was it? Or was it Aragorn?-say. He-whoever he was-put her behind a tree, efficiently out of the way.  
  
The two assassins grinned, seeing as the Sue had been placed coincidentally at their feet. They slapped a quick unorcish high-five and roughly carted the body away.  
  
~*~  
  
Anne poked at the fire again with one of her arrows. "C'mon, let's make her suffer just a bit," she begged.  
  
"It's either a flaming arrow to the heart or the neck. A quick death is always best; otherwise they try to be heroic." Kate tossed another rock down the hill from their campsite. "We charge her when she wakes, then we shoot her. Or you can have the honor of beheading her."  
  
From her bound and gagged position on the ground, Arsarmwen finally stirred from unconsciousness. Kate stood over her with her hands on her hips, grinning evilly. "Wakey wakey, eggs and bacey!" The elven maiden jumped, alarmed, but grunted in pain and closed her eyes again. "Anne, hurry, she's drifting again. Let's get it over with and get outta here!"  
  
"Arsarmwen, you are hereby charged with the crimes of being perfect, causing Legolas Greenleaf to fall in love with you, misquoting a considerable amount of the Council of Elrond, joining the Fellowship, being a whiny little--" Anne stopped to steady herself. "--brat, interacting with the Fellowship, Elrond, Elohir, Eladan, Arwen, and so on; writing everyone beyond a recognizable level of 'out of character', bending an elven blade, stating that your name actually has a meaning, using an unrecognizable language and calling it 'elvish', using massive amounts of repetition, and being both a Mary Sue and a Preppy Sue." She readied an arrow on her bow. "Any last words?"  
  
Arsarmwen made a squeaking noise from behind her gag.  
  
"Good enough." Anne effortlessly shot the Sue through the neck and watched her die, then hesitated for a moment. "C'mon, one more for good measure!" She pleaded, drawing another arrow from her quiver.  
  
"One will do the job," Kate replied firmly. " 'Sides, why waste an arrow on overkill? Let's find somewhere to throw her and get back."  
  
"I say we send her over the waterfall in a matchbox!" Before her partner could protest, Anne whipped out her wand and shouted, "Incindio!" The Sue caught fire immediately, which produced a sigh of relief from the assassin. "That was refreshing. Home we go!"  
  
~*~  
  
[beep]  
  
The computer greeted the two assassins as they arrived back at headquarters. Kate peered at the console while Anne started to put away their gear. "Don't bother," she called. "We've got another one."  
  
"Darn," Anne grunted. "No rest for the weary, I guess."  
  
"Nope. And Upstairs wants us... the message says 'Utmost Urgency'." Kate grinned. "Let's go!"  
  
"I wonder why they're calling us..." Anne mused as they left.  
  
Anne's note: WOW. That was a Sue and a half... and yes, the fic disgusted me as much as described throughout the chapter. *very thin smile* I'm terribly sorry, but I don't see why this fic got so many reviews. It HURT to read.  
  
Ah well. Thanks to Hellga, who sent us this fic! And for all the others you sent us, too ^^; We'll get to another one of them next time, though, and keep y'all wondering about the reason for the message from Upstairs. Should be fun, methinks. To Upstairs we go!  
  
Kate's note: It was the best of fics; it was the worst of fics. This happened to be one of the latter type. I doubt either of us would have been put-upon by having to kill poor ikle Arsarmwen, but I let Anne have the honors. But we had fun quoting Monty Python, and the Council was interesting. If anyone can stand to read it, check out this fic in its original form. The downside: no peanut gallery to make comments.  
  
We still want a Frodo fangirl! We have an Eomer girl already (which reminds me, Anne... when are we getting to her?), but no one has found a Frodo fic yet! I KNOW there are people out there who have written some... 


	5. Legolas' True Love AKA The Lost Princess

Chapter five -- Legolas' True Love AKA The Lost Princess  
~*~  
  
As the two PPCs merged into the bustling hallways, it was hard to remember that there was one general rule for finding the way to Upstairs: never pay attention. No one bothered to ask why it was so, but whenever someone started to try and remember the way, they were lost for hours before anyone found them. It was weird, but some learned to cope; others didn't go Upstairs at all.  
  
"We're lost," Kate moaned. "We've passed the Gundam Wing department twice now!"  
  
Anne shrugged lightly. "Quit paying attention... you know, I would've given my wand to be in that department," she added, a tad wistful.  
  
"Upstairs has their reasons. One, you'd go into shock every time you interacted with Heero Yuy. Two, you'd go into shock every time you interacted with Duo Maxwell. Three--"  
  
"I get it," she interrupted. "You can't blame me, though. Thems be niiiiice lookin' Gundam pilots..."  
  
Another several minutes of silence passed before Kate muttered, "that's the third time we've passed it."  
  
Anne sighed. "This whole place is a maze, honestly. The elevators are the center, so it's the opposite end of any definable wing. It's a lot easier when you've got a CD player... stop paying attention!"  
  
"Oh, bother you."  
  
"See, we're there!" Anne grinned triumphantly. "Told you."  
  
They pressed the up button and waited until the doors opened, then stepped in. As soon as the doors swished closed, the elevator shot upwards, causing Anne to mostly lose her balance. Kate had chosen to lean against the wall and wasn't swayed by the change in exceleration. By the time they had stopped, Anne was feeling a bit more queasy than before. "I always forget that I hate this elevator..." she moaned.  
  
The two exited into a dimly lit hallway, identical to the one now below them. They walked in silence until they came to the end (which took some time until Kate forced herself to think about Frodo), which seemed to lead to nowhere. Anne felt the wall blindly for a moment before she found a doorknob, which had not been there before she had touched it.  
  
"Go 'head," she muttered, gesturing her partner forward.  
  
Kate shook her head. "I'll follow you."  
  
"No, I INSIST..."  
  
She sighed a rather annoyed, "fine," and led the way into the room.  
  
-You come to grace my presence again, I see. Could you not at least knock? It would not do damage to the door, nor your hand, and it is much more pleasing than two assassins barging into my office.-  
  
The room was larger and darker than the normal response centers, which made it hard to tell who was speaking at first. But as Kate's eyes adjusted to the amount of light (or lack of it), she could make out a metallic desk several yards from where they stood. In the cushioned chair behind it sat a sunflower, clad in a business suit and tapping its leaves impatiently on the desktop.  
  
"You rang?" Kate finally asked, crossing her arms.  
  
-I did. Have a seat, if it pleases you.- Two chairs seemed to materialize behind them, or so they imagined, since they had not been in existence before. Kate sat, but Anne continued to stand.  
  
"We've been meaning to ask you some things about--" she began before she was interrupted by the sunflower.  
  
-That can wait. You have undoubtedly heard about the reassignment issues that have occured as of late, yes?-  
  
"Yeah, what about 'em?" Kate asked slowly, raising an eyebrow. This was starting to sound as if the outcome would be horrific.  
  
The sunflower, quite possibly in other continuums, would have worn a thin smile at this point. -We might see it fit to move either of you to a new department, unless there be reason otherwise. There has been a sudden growth in the number of volunteers this past month, and we need to put these new victi--- beg pardon; new TRAINEES in places where they shall work the hardest.-  
  
Anne's jaw dropped. "You're splitting us?" She asked, terrified at the idea.  
  
-...there IS another possibility,- it mused. It almost seemed to enjoy toying with them. -If, perchance, the trainee we send to your department would rather work somewhere else, we shall have no choice but to leave both of you alone.-  
  
"How come THEY get a choice?" Kate asked angrily. "We didn't choose where WE wanted to be! You threw us in there!"  
  
-But that was BEFORE the floodgates opened, you see.-  
  
"What if we decide that we don't WANT to deal with a newbie?"  
  
-Then you shall both be reassigned.-  
  
Anne crossed her arms stubbornly. "Alright. But in return for keeping up with whoever you send us, we get a vacation. A nice one, wherever we choose."  
  
-I should think the reward would be keeping your jobs...-  
  
She scowled and took a step forward.  
  
-I was only joking! ...fine. You may visit whatever canon you wish for two weeks. Or, you may visit two; one each week.- It crossed its fronds impatiently. -Assassins these days... never pleased with what is given them.-  
  
"Oh, you'll get used to it." Kate stood and straightened her shirt. "So when are we to expect this new person?"  
  
-Soon. Very soon. Now, return to your station... I'm sure you have many calls to answer.-  
  
~*~  
  
The two assassins walked in silence for the entire trip back to their response center. Once they entered, however, they were surprised to see Theo sitting at Anne's console, tapping buttons so rapidly that it amazed them at first.  
  
"What're you doing here?" Kate asked. Theo jumped and yelped, falling out of his chair in surprise.  
  
Once Anne had stopped laughing long enough to help him stand, he glared angrily at them and straightened his shirt. "I had a call about a system meltdown in your department. The readout must have been bad enough to short out this hunk of hardware..." he sat down again and resumed his button-tapping. "It won't take long, I just have to reroute the server's main... AHA!"  
  
"Is that a good 'AHA' or a bad 'AHA'?" Anne asked, peering over his shoulder.  
  
"Good, considering your system is working again."  
  
Kate snorted. "Bad, considering that I don't get my nap..."  
  
"You must not be a 'glass half-full' kind of person, I take it." Theo stood and snatched his black bag of many electronic mechanisms from the floor next to the desk. "Have fun. The call looked pretty bad when I got down here..." He gave them an evil grin. "You should still have plenty of Analysis Devices; I'll be in my lab if you need me."  
  
"Thanks, Theo!" Anne called as he left their department, while Kate started to look over the readout. "So how bad IS she, anyway?"  
  
Her partner scowled. "A crossover Sue; Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings. Ugh, a Legolust Bunny, too... Her name's Erin Lindsay, she has a Cute Animal Friend, claims to be Harry's sister, Legolas instantly falls in love with her at first glance... typical crossover Sue," she muttered. "Care to guess her life story?"  
  
"Not unless you're going to make me..."  
  
"Get this: she was born as Elrond's second daughter, somehow taken to Earth by Gandalf (who happens to be Dumbledore's brother), and given to Lily and James Potter before Harry is born. She is given to her godmother when Lily and James are killed, and adopted by her. This is supposed to explain why her last name is 'Lindsay' and not 'Potter'"  
  
"...answer me this. If Harry had to be given to Vernon and Petunia because he had no other family, why was the Sue given to the godmother? I didn't know Sirius was married, anyway..."  
  
Kate grunted. "Grab your hard hat and beware of flying plotholes."  
  
"What house is she, pretending I don't already know?"  
  
"Hmm... a Gryffindor. How creative." She exchanged glances with Anne and stood to pack her gear. "Doesn't seem like a 'total system failure' kind of Sue to me... I mean, she's pretty mixed-up, but I honestly saw worse in the Slash department."  
  
Anne shrugged and took Kate's chair, tapping buttons to open the words. As she read, however, the color drained from her face and she gave a piteous whimper.  
  
"Worse than we thought?"  
  
Another whimper, this time from underneath the desk.  
  
"Okay, this might be interesting, then. Grab your bag and we'll head off... what disguises?"  
  
A loud -thud- followed by an "OW!" sounded from under the desk; Anne crawled out after a moment, holding the side of her head and growling at the piece of furniture. "...Hogwarts students, I guess... I don't know -- Gryffindor to keep an eye on the Sue?"  
  
"I guess it would be logical, even though I've always admired the Ravenclaws." Kate set their guises and tossed the remote activator to her partner. "Gryffindor it is. Remember your wand!"  
  
"Already got it..." A portal opened and they easily stepped through, only to find themselves standing in the middle of Hogwarts' Great Hall.  
  
"You forgot to take off your hat," Kate hissed.  
  
Anne removed it quickly and put it somewhere in her robes. "Dangit, I knew there was something I had forgotten... but imagine Phil from the Monty Python department being put here with his red and while polka-dotted hat, eh?" She glanced around and spotted Legolas sitting at the Slytherin table, Sam at Hufflepuff, and Frodo, Pippin, and Merry at Gryffindor with the Sue. Aragorn and Arwen had taken seats at the teachers' table, and seemed to be enjoying themselves. "Darn Sues. Sam deserves to be in Griffindor just as much as the other Hobbits! Kate, get me my soap box!" She sighed and regained her composure. "It looks like we've missed the Sorting, by the way."  
  
"Probably a good thing..."  
  
"How did Arwen and Aragorn get to be Professors, anyway? What do they TEACH?"  
  
"Why does no one like Ravenclaw?" Kate asked sourly, ignoring her partner's question. Anne sighed and led the way to the Gryffindor table. As they sat down near the Weasley twins (which made Anne rather happy), the Sue seemed surprised at a fifth year and seventh year (that she had never seen before) sitting near their group.  
  
"Who are you?" She asked, raising a suspicious eyebrow.  
  
They exchanged glances. "I'm, ah... Kitt," Kate began nervously, scrambling for her best British accent. It was against regulation to give any character, canon or non-canon, your Agent name. "...and this is my... sister Alex! We normally sit over there"--she gestured far to her right--"but all the seats were taken."  
  
Anne tried to give the students and Hobbits polite returns for their friendly greetings.  
  
Erin gave them a hard look before turning back to her conversation with Merry and Pippin. But after a while, Legolas came to sit at their table, which was not approved by the Slytherins in the least.  
  
Kate and Anne casually covered their ears as Legolas sat next to Frodo. The dialogue was going to hurt, anyway...  
  
"Made any new friends yet?" he asked  
  
"Yeah, this is Harry Potter, Ron, Ginny, Fred and George Weasley, Erin Lindsay, Hermione Granger and Lena Tribal." Frodo said.  
  
"Cool," said Legolas as he was tapped on the shoulder by Malfoy.  
  
"Us Slytherins don't associate with Gryffindors." he said.  
  
Anne nudged Kate in the ribs. "Does he say 'cool'?" She asked in a whisper, holding her Canon Analysis Device under the table and waving it in Erin's direction.  
  
[Erin Lindsay. Female elf. Non-canon. Mary Sue.]  
  
"Gotta love the suspenceful dialogue, too." Kate cautiously slipped her Character Analysis device out of the sleeve of her robe and held it under her hand, making sure the sensor was pointing towards Hogwarts students and Middle-Eartheans alike. "...they're all so far beyond Character Rupture that you can't poke 'em with a ten-foot pole. Poor guys..."  
  
Then Erin swung around in her seat briefly laying her light green eyes on Legolas, unnoticed by the others, and said " What are you talking about, Malfoy. You and I went out for a while and you didn't care that I was in Gryffindor.until I dumped you. You're just jealous because Gryffindor has beaten the Slytherins for four consecutive years. And that Hermione is smarter then you. Also that you were slapped by Herm, attacked by a Hippogriff, and you lost the only person you really cared about, other then yourself that is. Now get out of my sight, before I do exactly what I did to the death-eaters to you." She said not taking her eyes off of him. And then he left.  
  
Anne made a noise similar to a cat's yowl of pain.  
  
"Incoming author's note," Kate whimpered, clamping her hands tighter on her ears.  
  
As if on cue, an ominous-sounding voice boomed in their heads, as if someone had spoken through speakers into a microphone that was too close to their mouth.  
  
(Erin killed 7 death-eaters when she was attacked in Hogesmead in November, by herself. Malfoy was standing by watching).  
  
"And how she managed to stay out of Azkaban, I will never know."  
  
Kate finally uncovered her ears and sighed. "Same way Harry managed when he tried to perform the Cruciatus curse on... what'shername from the fifth book: because the author said so."  
  
"That bites like a rabid monkey." Anne ignored the strange look that Erin had given her for the comment. "Oh, goodie -- more gripping dialogue."  
  
Then all of a sudden Prof. Dumbledore came up to Harry and Erin and told them to go and get ready to go to Diagon Ally.  
  
The two assassins sat at the table for a moment before another convulsive shudder passed through them. "Why didn't they get their supplies BEFORE school started?" Kate muttered under her breath as she watched the two teenagers exit. "I thought that was some sort of regulation... so, portal to or through the Diagon Alley episode?"  
  
Anne wasn't listening; she was busy evesdropping on the conversation between the Weasley twins and Lee Jordan about the joke they had played on a group of Slytherin first years.  
  
"You should've seen their faces, mate," Fred exclaimed through his laughter. "You'd think they'd never seen an airborne dungbomb before!" Lee was laughing hard enough to break a minimum of two ribs.  
  
George turned to Anne, who immediately tried to look as if she hadn't been listening. "...haven't I seen you somewhere before...?" He asked slowly.  
  
She bit her lip, remembering her past days at the Harry Potter department. "Um... you've probably seen me around... it's a big school, after all." She managed a nervous grin as he turned back around, then she fell onto her partner, near hyperventilation.  
  
Kate raised an eyebrow. "...wha--"  
  
"Portal out, NOW," Anne gasped.  
  
"Are you okay?"  
  
"Favorite character; portaling before I pass out," she hissed, frantically pulling out the remote activator.  
  
~*~  
  
As they fell out of the portal, Kate gave Anne the same weird look as before. "Perfectly calm around all those Middle-Earth canons, and you freak when George Weasley talks to you?"  
  
"Don't ask," her partner moaned. "It has to do with my days back in the Harry Potter department... I've never seen so much character torture in one fic! The Sue must have been in some sort of fetish club or something..."  
  
"...and because you pitied him, he's your favorite character?"  
  
"Because I SAVED him, he's my favorite character. Oliver Wood is a close second, though, with that accent."  
  
Kate shook her head. "Can't blame you. But we still need to decide if we portal to Diagon Alley or not. I'd like to go, but that's just me... maybe I can buy an owl or something while we're there."  
  
"And why you need an owl, I will never know. We might as well get you a wand, too, so you can help me take out the Sue in case she tries to pull something funny." Anne opened the portal, shouted, "DIAGON ALLEY!" and stepped through, leaving her rather amused partner to follow.  
  
They stumbled out in the middle street, but no witnesses seemed terribly surprised; after all, anything out of the ordinary was normal the wizarding world. Kate dusted herself off and helped Anne stand, giving her another strange look. "What's with the Floo powder routine?"  
  
"Dunno." She shrugged. "Y'know, I kind of liked traveling that way, back in the day. The rush you had coming out of it was pretty cool..."  
  
"Was this before the remote activator?"  
  
"No, it was just more fun!" She grinned and pointed off in the distance. "Look, there's Olivander's -- let's go find a wand before the action starts."  
  
The door to the shop creaked somewhat eerily as the two entered. Mr. Olivander, who was sitting at his desk, looked up at them with a smile. "Hello there, may I help you find something?"  
  
"She needs a wand," Anne replied. It was normal for her to enjoy stating the obvious.  
  
He looked Kate once-over with a raised eyebrow. "...I see. Transfer student with a broken wand, I take it?" She nodded. "Ah, you can never trust Muggle carriers these days... honestly! They have no consideration for a well-made wand." He disappeared into the back for a few minutes, returned with a small number of wand-boxes, and let her try them until she found the one that suited her: mahogany, unicorn hair, fourteen inches.  
  
"Thanks, Mr. Olivander!" Kate called over her shoulder. Anne waved enthusiastically as she was being pulled out the door.  
  
"That could have gone worse," she commented lightly.  
  
Kate rolled her eyes and kept walking, almost running over someone in front of her in the process. "Oops. Hey, how did you have wizard currency?"  
  
Anne pocketed the small leather satchel, an evil grin on her face. "I managed to nab it off of the seat next to the Sue. She really needs to keep a better eye on her stuff, you know?"  
  
"You're impossible..." She sighed and shook her head. "Okay, do we portal to the weapon shop that probably doesn't exist?"  
  
"...why are we going there?"  
  
"Erin has to buy Harry a dagger." Kate rolled her eyes again. "I guess that explains what Aragorn and Arwen are teaching."  
  
"Is dagger management a feasable class?" Anne wondered aloud. "Ah, well. No need to portal if we just follow the crowd." She pointed to a group approaching them that consisted of humans, an Elf, and four Hobbits. "Gee, you'd think the Hobbits and Legolas would stand out just a BIT..."  
  
"They're about as normal as two Hogwarts students appearing in the middle of the street from a portal that looks like a door," her partner muttered. "But did I fail to mention that they were heading to the weapon shop from Olivander's?"  
  
"Oh, boy. Why do they need another wand, and why don't they have their robes yet? I didn't know they bought replacement wands every year," she growled sarcastically. "Didn't the words say that Moody was the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"That makes it fourth year, right?"  
  
"...right..."  
  
"So why is there no Triwizarding tournament going on? ...oh, never mind. I'll chalk it up to a Sue's understanding." Anne gave an aggrivated sigh and fingered her wand impatiently. "Y'know, one 'Avada Kadavera' and she's gone. I have pretty good aim, even at this distance..."  
  
Kate frowned. "You have to charge her first. For that, we need to have a charge list. Trust me, we don't have much... well, aside from being a Sue, practically making the Lord of the Rings characters her own, mucking with timelines and family trees, and making Aragorn and Arwen teachers."  
  
"We might as well strike now, before she annoys us to death," she snarled. It wasn't often that Anne snarled, unless she meant it. She quickly silenced as the group walked past them into Olivander's, unaware of the two students' presence. "...well, that was easier than I thought."  
  
"Stranger things have happened, I guess. On to the weapon shop?"  
  
"Sure, why not... we haven't anything better to do anyway."  
  
~*~  
  
They portaled to the supposedly non-existent weapon shop and entered; Anne had to pry Kate away from the swords (considering she already owned two swords, one Rohirrim and one Elvish) in order to hide from the freak show that was about to follow them. From behind a partially-closed door, they saw Erin, Legolas, and Harry in the lead. Legolas was very un-canonically drooling over a bundle of arrows while Erin led Harry to the dagger display case.  
  
"Uh-oh, more cruddy dialogue -- heads up," Anne hissed.  
  
"Don't you need one too, Erin?" Harry asked as they walked to the weapon shop.  
  
"Nope," She said. "I already have one."  
  
"You do?" asked Legolas  
  
"Yeah. Don't look so surprised." Erin said  
  
"What is it?" asked Harry  
  
"Sword," Erin said casually looking at the daggers  
  
"So, pick one Harry," She said  
  
Anne and Kate groaned. "Great. She has a sword, too..." Kate muttered darkly. "Future plan: you fend her off with your wand and I'll fend her off with my sword." She patted her side with a grin. "Brought it with me already."  
  
"At least you didn't steal it..." Anne said with a shrug.  
  
"Oy! Harry. Come here. I think I found that you'll like." Erin said calling her brother over. Harry got there and Erin handed him a 12 inch dagger with a dragon carved into it at the bottom, near the handle.  
  
Anne made a face. "That sentence doesn't make sense. 'I think I found that you'll like'?"  
  
"You like?" Erin asked  
  
"Yeah," Harry said. Then his mouth hung open as he saw the price. "Erin this costs 50 Gallons! I don't think you have that much."  
  
Kate scowled. "Oh, sure. Your late parents leave you a small fortune, so naturally they don't have any for the poor red-headed, elven-eared stepchild."  
  
"She doesn't have red hair," her partner pointed out.  
  
"It's a saying--- oh, never mind..."  
  
"Relax, Harry. I know the guy that owns the place. He owes me a couple of favours." Erin told him. Then she saw Legolas looking at the arrows and practically drooling over them. Erin walked up to the counter and said  
  
"Oy! Scott!"  
  
A man no taller then 6 feet came out of the back room.  
  
Anne imagined him with the X-Men Cyclops visor and managed to restrain a snort of laughter.  
  
"Rin! How are you? I haven't seen you since you came to upgrade your sword last month-" Scott said  
  
"Yeah I haven't seen you at Three Broomsticks for a while. Are you sick?" Erin asked.  
  
"No. You come to get another upgrade?"  
  
"Nope I want to buy something."  
  
"Really? You haven't bought anything from me since you bought Luna, four years ago," Scott said eyeing the four Hobbits.  
  
"Luna?" Frodo said turning around.  
  
"That's the name of my sword," She told him  
  
The two assassins exchanged confused looks. "...LUNA?" Anne asked in a whisper. "Don't TELL me she's a Sailor Moon fan, too..."  
  
"Could be a Luna Lovegood supporter," Kate offered. "Whoops, listening again..."  
  
"So what can I help you with today?" Scott asked.  
  
"Well, I'd like to buy the dagger Harry is eyeing and a couple of those arrows," she said pointing in Legolas' direction. Then Legolas turned around, and saw her pointing towards him.  
  
"No I couldn't ask that of you," Legolas said  
  
"Who said you were asking? I'm insisting. Plus I can see that you're practically drooling over them."  
  
"Well the make of them is incredible and they look pretty fast," Legolas said  
  
"That's 'cause they are," said Scott  
  
"There is nothing that you can say that will stop me from buying them for you. Think of it as an early Christmas present."  
  
"Might as well give up Legolas. You're never going to win. I've tried with my snowboard that she got me last year, and I lost. She's my sister and she won't even listen to me." Harry said   
  
"ONE, Legolas doesn't say 'pretty fast'," Anne growled. "TWO, Harry doesn't HAVE a snowboard, or anywhere to use one since he's at Hogwarts for the Christmas holidays. THREE, does anything have superiority to Elvish weaponry? Take notes, Kate, I'm on a roll..."  
  
Kate snickered. "We might as well port back to Hogwarts, since all that's left for them to discuss is Harry and Erin being related..."  
  
A quick *swish* and *flick* of the remote activator, followed by Anne's shout of "THE GREAT HALL!", and they were gone.  
  
~*~  
  
They tumbled out into the Great Hall, just as Erin and Harry were taking seats with the Hobbits, Ron, and Hermione at the Gryffindor table. "Did we time travel?" Kate asked, holding her head.  
  
"Yeah, I forwarded us to dinner so that we didn't have to sit through the episode at Hagrid's hut." Anne looked disappointed. "Even though Hagrid is the coolest teacher..."  
  
"Does he beat Lupin?"  
  
"...well... a half-giant against a werewolf... they're both near 'Top Teacher' for me!" She grinned and sat by Fred and George again. "Hey, maybe we'll actually get to eat this time," she muttered, glancing at her partner.  
  
"Wasn't MY fault that we had to leave early," Kate commented lightly. "You were the one going into convulsions over your favorite character."  
  
Anne frowned. "Just because you've never seen a character mauled almost beyond recognition before..."  
  
"Wanna bet? I worked in Bad Slash for a while."  
  
"Fine, whatever." Anne turned to read the words. "Agh, incoming!"  
  
Just before they were about to eat Dumbledore mad his speech.  
  
"This girl needs to slow down when she types," Kate muttered quietly, trying to hear the Headmaster.  
  
"As you know there'll be a talent contest on Christmas Eve, Which is tomorrow. And last night you got a taste of what you'll be hearing. Just to remind you all who is performing it's: from Ravenclaw: Milica McNair; Hufflepuff: Josh Tunney; Gryffindor: Erin Lindsay and from Slytherin: Dennis Ellement."  
  
"Holy Toledo, he sounds like he's introducing players at a football game," Anne whimpered as Dumbledore (or an imposter, as the assassins were trying to make themselves believe) continued speaking.  
  
"But after the talent show is done, and a winner is picked, we'll have a party. The disk jockey is Erin's brother, Alex. He did graduate last year but he loves his little sister so much that he wanted to come back. So lets the feast begin!"  
  
Kate grinned as the food appeared in front of them. "All right, now THIS is what I'm talkin' about."  
  
Reaching for a piece of bread, Anne bit her lip in thought. "...okay, so she's Harry's brother, but this Alex dude is her brother, too? Is there something I'm missing?"  
  
"Only a slightly large plothole. Split this drumstick with me?"  
  
"Sure..."  
  
The two assassins ate their portion of the feast and departed, waiting for the Sue in the hall. Finally, Erin emerged and started pacing; three minutes hadn't passed before Legolas joined her.  
  
"So," he said as she turned around.  
  
"Well, I talked to him today and he said that he wouldn't be able to make it 'cause of the full moon tonight -"  
  
"What does that have to do with anything?" he asked her.  
  
"And why did we suddenly start talking about Sirius?" Anne growled. "He hasn't even been mentioned yet..."  
  
"Well, one of his friends is a ware wolf and he has to stay with him to make sure he doesn't kill anyone."  
  
"Who, exactly is it?"  
  
"It's my God father. His name is Sirius Black. Everyone thinks that he is this psycho killer," She told him  
  
Anne and Kate exchanged confused glances. "More for the 'mucking with family trees' charge," Kate muttered, shaking her head. "Did he have a wife that no one knew about, or did Rowling fail to mention that Lindsay woman as their Godmother in the books?"  
  
"It's a Sue; don't ask questions, just make charges." Anne growled low in her throat.  
  
"Well is he?"  
  
"NO! HE WAS FRAMED!! Anyways he told me that he could come just after dawn." She said controlling herself.  
  
"Can I listen again?" Kate asked, holding her throbbing ear. "Sudden, loud noises can make such nice headaches. Can we go yet?"  
  
Anne sighed. "Okay. I don't know where we're sleeping, unless you want to portal to tomorrow morning. We can snag her Cute Animal Friend then..."  
  
"As you wish," her partner quoted a la Princess Bride. "You've got the portaling thingy."  
  
~*~  
  
It was about quarter to 5 when Erin woke up because something was licking her face.  
  
"Good morning to you too, Nikki. Now please stop. I'll take you out in a minuet." She told her Siberian Husky puppy, as she sat up. Nikki jumped onto the floor and sat down waiting for Erin to put her harness and leash on her. Erin got dressed in low-rise jeans and a black acrylic, turtle-neck sweater; put a baby-blue bandana on and then she grabbed her grey leather jacket and Nikki's leash and walked out of her room.  
  
Anne, hanging precariously from a small fixture on the ceiling, gave a greatful sigh. "I thought she'd never leave -- my arms are falling asleep! ...While I'm at it, can I charge her for wearing non-Hogwarts-ish clothes on campus?"  
  
"I don't think 'campus' was the word you were looking for." Kate crawled out from under Erin's bed and coughed. "I thought she was a Prefect; aren't they supposed to be somewhat clean and organized?"  
  
"Heck if I know. Why do you ask?" Anne landed carefully on the floor and helped her partner to her feet, raising an eyebrow at her in the process.  
  
"Because I think I got attacked by a dustbunny the size of a Dementor under there. ...and what was that hanging-from-the-ceiling thing you had? Channeling Nightcrawler again?"  
  
Anne grinned a very fangirlish grin. "Blue fuzzy elf! Heehee..."  
  
"Oy. Let's just follow her..."  
  
~*~  
  
"I am the very model of a modern major general, I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral--"  
  
Kate glanced about warily. "Why are you singing the Modern Major General song?"  
  
"--I know the kings of England and I quote the fights historical, From Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical!" Anne panted for a moment before finally answering her partner's question. "Because I felt like it. And sorry 'bout that, I had to finish the verse."  
  
"You're weird, you know that?"  
  
"Would you rather me randomly break into 'Hikari'? I doubt there are many students who sing in Japanese around here."  
  
"Shh, there she is!"  
  
The two assassins hid behind Hagrid's hut as Legolas and Erin walked by, talking. Anne secretly wondered how the Elven prince was able to walk around without the required black robe over his tunic, but shrugged the thought from her mind. "Incoming dialogue," she muttered.  
  
They walked away from Hagrids hut toward the Quidditch pitch. Legolas heard something.  
  
"Wait." He said putting his arm out to prevent Erin from going any further. Then something came out of the shadows. It was (you guessed it) Snuffles! Erin bent down and let Nikki off of her leash.  
  
"What did you do that for?" Legolas asked.  
  
"Watch," Erin said as she put her hands on Legolas' arm and lowered it.  
  
Kate beat her head against the hut for a moment, until Anne made her stop for fear that Hagrid would hear.  
  
Nikki ran to Snuffles, who by the time Nikki got there, turned into Sirius Black. Nikki was thrilled to she him. After all, he is the one that bought her for Erin's birthday present.  
  
"Not allowed to own dogs," Anne muttered in a sing-song manner.  
  
Kate grimaced. "Isn't the rule 'a cat, an owl, or a toad'? Which doesn't explain why Ron could keep Scabbers, other than the obvious plot twist in Book Three."  
  
Sirius grabbed Nikki by her red collar and walked up to Erin and said "I believe this belongs to you," as he hooked her back up to the leash.  
  
"Hi Sirius," Erin said as she hugged him.  
  
"So what have you been up to?" he asked.  
  
"Nothing really,"  
  
Anne sighed. "You know, this is REALLY boring. Can't we just shoot her already and retrieve the letter for the museum?"  
  
"You want to try and handle Legolas AND Sirius? Be my guest." Kate glanced at their charge list and bit her lip. "We've almost got enough so far. ...heck, we had enough to charge her a couple of chapters ago."  
  
"See? I'd already told you that!" She sighed aggrivatedly. "Okay, we'll wait 'til she's alone in her 'Prefect bedroom'. Do they GET their own room?"  
  
"They don't, they're in rooms according to years. But we could portal to the non-existent room if we wanted."  
  
"AWRIGHT!"  
  
~*~  
  
Erin got to her room and took her jacket off and Nikki's harness along with her leash and feed her.   
  
Anne and Kate portalled in behind her, hiding in the shadows of the doorway, watching as the Sue sat down on her bed and started to cry. They exchanged glances and stepped forward into the light, much to the surprise of Erin.  
  
"How did you get in here?" She asked, wiping her eyes.  
  
Kate grimaced. "You won't care about that in a minute. Do you wish the honors of charging?"  
  
Anne grinned somewhat evilly. "No, go ahead. I have other plans."  
  
"Alrighty then." Kate pulled out a piece of paper and read off the contents. "Erin Lindsay, you are hereby charged with the crimes of intentionally bringing the characters from one dimension into another, owning a Cute Animal Friend, being homicidal towards grammar and punctuation, making plotholes, being an Elf, being both Harry Potter's and Arwen's sister, having a non-existent godmother, interacting with the characters of Harry, Ron, Hermione, George, Fred, Draco, Dumbledore, Hagrid, Sirius, Legolas, Aragorn, Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Arwen, and Gimli"--at this point, she needed another deep breath--"mucking with family trees (other than your own) and timelines, stating that Harry owns a snowboard, giving yourself your own room, making Aragorn and Arwen teachers, and being a Mary-Sue."  
  
"Any last words?" Anne readied her wand, but jumped as Erin angrily reached for hers.  
  
"STUPIFY!" She screamed, her voice still choked with tears. But her opponent was quicker than she.  
  
"ENNERVATE!" The assassin gave one last triumphant grin as she added, "STUPIFY!" Erin fell to the floor, unconscious, as Anne cheered. "Booya! I've still got the touch!"  
  
Kate applauded for a moment before picking up the letter Erin had recieved from her "mother", sticking it in her robes, and pulling out her own wand. "Mobilicorpus!" Erin's body easily lifted from the floor. "So, what're we going to do with her?"  
  
"Here's an easy one: Incendio!" The Sue's body caught fire quickly after Kate set her down. "Now, to put the characters where they belong..." Anne bent over and fastened a leash to Nikki, who was somewhat confused. A non-canon pet without a non-canon owner can get lost rather quickly in another continuum. "But she has to come with us, for the museum."  
  
"Okay, whatever." Kate spotted a sword inside a scabbard and examined it for a moment with wonder. "Ooooooh, pretty. This must be Luna..."  
  
"Don't you already have two swords?"  
  
"Maybe this'll be for the museum under 'Items of Mary-Sueness.' But back to business: how do we get the Fellowship-Minus-Two-Plus-One AND everyone else together in order to get them back to normal?"  
  
"I have an idea..."  
  
~*~  
  
In the Great Hall, Kate and Anne spotted Legolas at the Slytherin table and tapped him on the shoulder.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
Anne grinned. "Um, can you come with us for a sec? It'll be short, I promise..." The Elf obliged and followed them to the Gryffindor table, which the two assassins quickly mounted. The funny thing was, no one noticed.  
  
"Now what?" Kate muttered to her partner.  
  
She grinned again in response, pulled out her wand, and pointed it at her throat. "Sonorus," she whispered. "Excuse me!" Her voice echoed loudly through the hall, silencing the mass group of people. "Thank you. If Legolas, Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Aragorn, Arwen, and Gimli could come to the back of the room, we'd be most happy!"  
  
The members of the Fellowship and Arwen did as asked, though somewhat hesitantly. Kate jumped down and, with the help of Nikki, ushered them to the door, where she opened a portal to Middle Earth with Anne's remote activator. "Hold on. Anne, your sunglasses!"  
  
"Right." She pulled a pair out of her robes and put them on, as did her partner. "Okay, everyone look this way, please!"  
  
[FLASH]  
  
"This has all been a very bad dream. Go back to whatever it was you were doing." Anne's wand went to her throat again. "Quietus," she whispered, jumping down to the floor. "They ready, Kate?"  
  
"Yup." Kate pushed the Fellowship members and Arwen through the portal and closed it with much satisfaction, scratching the dog behind the ears before turning to her partner. "Heading home now?"  
  
"You know it. Give me my remote activator back..."  
  
~*~  
  
As the two assassins stumbled back into their department, Kate removed her sunglasses and sighed. "Another long mission completed. I need a nap..."  
  
"Good luck if you can get one before our next mission." Anne unfascened the leash on Nikki's collar and grimaced for a moment. "You know, I really don't like her name. It's so... average."  
  
Kate sat down and let the Husky climb on her lap, then started to laugh. "I think our Sue made a mistake -- look at 'her' for a moment."  
  
"...she's a he?"  
  
"Yeah! I guess no one taught Erin about anatomy. What're we going to name him?"  
  
Anne grinned. "Kurt!"  
  
Kate gave her a raised eyebrow. "Why?"  
  
"Because I'm insane. But I get to keep him!"  
  
"FINE... but he has to stay here. Regulation 5c: no pets on missions."  
  
Anne shrugged and sat down. "They say they had to put that rule in the book after a guy from the God-Mod department took his pet dragon with him."  
  
"Never heard THAT story. I'm going to bed... goodnight."  
  
[BEEP]  
  
"Or not."  
  
==========  
Anne's note: GYAAH! This one was almost as bad as that Preppy-Sue we had! ...no, Arsarmwen was worse. At least this one had a pronouncable name. But being reborn inside of Lily Potter, after being Elrond's second daughter? A few points for originality, but not many. Plus, she was just plain annoying. We managed to end it before she took part in the singing competition, where they did all-Muggle songs. I mean, come ON! Can't she WRITE a song for her own character to use? Is it THAT hard?  
  
*deep breath* I'm okay, really.  
  
I was going to do a normal fic, but I stumbled across this little fork-in-the-road and had to redeem my sanity by killing her. But going Upstairs was kind of cool... Thanks for reviewing, all who have. Those who haven't... well, shame be upon your head.  
  
Kate's note: Yeah, this Sue WAS pretty bad. But I finally got my wand, another sword, and two more editions to the Sue Museum, which should be set up soon... we hope, at least.  
  
Oh yeah, and don't be afraid to flame. We won't come after you. Scratch that: we will if you have bad LotR fanfiction. Which isn't bad for US, mind; we enjoy a challenge every now and then. 


	6. Wild Blue Yonder

Chapter six -- Wild Blue Yonder  
~*~  
"C'mon, Kurt, you can sleep on the couch tonight!"  
  
Kate grunted. "I'm not sharing my couch with a dog."  
  
"Who said anything about sharing?" As they opened the door to their response center, Anne shouted one of the few things she rarely said unless she meant it:  
  
"HOLY CRAP!"  
  
Sitting on the couch was a slightly bewildered-looking girl, who gave them both a strange look. "Wow, I don't get that greeting often. Are you the two who hired the people in this department?"  
  
Kurt sniffed at her legs and wagged his tail -- obviously, the dog was more trusting than the two PPC's.  
  
Kate managed a thin smile. "I hate to tell you, but we ARE the department. The Sunflower Official is the one who hires everyone." She glanced at her partner, who was almost as dumbfounded as the new person sitting on their couch. "Anne, are you okay?"  
  
"Yeah. I think I've gotten over most of the heart attack... adrenaline can often be hazardous to one's health." Anne took a deep breath and nodded at the girl. "Who are you?"  
  
"Carol. The... daffodil and the piece of bark at the front desk told me to come here."  
  
Kate shrugge. "Yup, that's Otik... and I can't remember for the life of me who the daffodil is."  
  
"Didn't she replace the daisy as Director of Personel?" Anne asked thoughtfully.  
  
"Think so. Can't remember her name, either."  
  
Carol cleared her throat. "While this could be entertaining, who are you two exactly...?"  
  
"Whoa, sorry, forgot about you for a second." Though Anne's comment was somewhat made absently, Carol still grew a bit irate at hearing this. "Well, I'm Anne, and this is Kate. We handle the Mary Sue department for Lord of the Rings... we'd also add The Simarillion, but I personally couldn't get through the names of the kings without a headache. Have you had any field training?"  
  
Carol nodded. "I just finished basic a few minutes ago, but I know what I'm doing. I was pretty good with Slashes," she added.  
  
Kate shuddered noticeably.  
  
"You okay?" The new girl asked.  
  
"BAD memories. And they'll only get worse, most likely." She frowned and turned to the console, tapping buttons for their latest readout. "Goodie goodie, we've already got a Sue on call. She's a Legolust bunny... in the Air Force? What the heck?"  
  
"Don't tell me she named her gun," Anne moaned.  
  
Kurt barked and whimpered, settling himself on the rug at the other end of the room.  
  
"Well... she's got "twenty year's experience", as the author puts it, a gun without a name, handcuffs, and a Cute Animal Friend -- a husky named Nanook... darn, why do they choose NOW to give us a 'fun' mission?" She muttered.  
  
"There's a song in there somewhere... 'I've Been to the Canon on a Gun With No Name'?" Anne shrugged, peered over her partner's shoulder, and shuddered. "Her name is Rain Clearwater? Good gravy, where do these Sues get their names?!" She exclaimed in her best Pitfall Harry impression. Carol gave her a slightly frightened look as the assassin started towards her backpack. "This looks like it shouldn't take TOO long. What disguises to we want?  
  
"I vote for Elves, personally. She seems to have a liking for them... especially after she handcuffs both Legolas AND Elladan." Kate growled low in her throat. "If she touches Frodo, she's getting that gun shoved and discharged up her nose."  
  
"So you want this one?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
Anne hauled her backpack over her shoulder and tapped the disguise command into the console. "Okay, three Elves; two female, one male. Y'all ready?"  
  
Carol gave her an empty stare. "...who's 'y'all'?"  
  
It took a bit of physical restraint to keep Anne from beating her head on the remote activator.  
  
~*~  
  
"Darn these bloody annoying Sues and their bloody annoying forests..."  
  
Kate sighed. "It's better than the fields."  
  
Carol readjusted her backpack and jogged to keep pace with the two long-legged assassins. "...so," she panted, "when do we kill her?"  
  
"Line snatcher," Anne muttered under her breath before checking the words. "Well, let's see... slightly off subject, she can't spell "revised" to save her life. How's about we jump her as she attacks Elrohir and Elladan?"  
  
Her partner frowned. "I can't tell if that sounds too soon or too far along in the plot."  
  
"What plot?"  
  
"Good point."  
  
Anne gave her a pleading look. "C'mon, it'd be faster than waiting until they get to Rivendell!"  
  
"We can just 'port to Rivendell." Kate pointed out.  
  
"But we have to rack charges, too."  
  
Carol watched the tennis-match conversation until she noticed a clearing ahead of them. "Hey, be quiet, I see her!" She hissed.  
  
"Don't tell me what to do!" Anne snapped back. Faint beeping from her pocket brought her attention forward, and she pulled out her Canon Analysis Device with a grim smile on her face. "Oh, great..."  
  
[Rain Clearwater. Human female. Non-canon. Mary Sue.]  
  
Kate glanced around for Legolas, who was now approaching the Sue from behind. She grimaced as she, too, brought forth her own device.  
  
[89.99%! BLOODY HUGE CHARACTER RUPTURE, STUPID!]  
  
"Remind me to kill Theo later for the personalizing my device," she snarled under her breath. "Oops, heads up -- the gripping dialogue strikes back..."  
  
Opening her eyes, she groaned again and closed them. "Were definitely not in Kansas anymore Toto." she commented to the large dog laying next to her. Opening her eyes again, she stared up at the tall trees surrounding her, a light silver glow to the area. She was sitting on the ground at the base of an enormous tree, it had to be several hundred years old to be that big. Her A3 kit bag was several paces away and Nanook was next to her unconscious. Worriedly she quickly checked him over and sighed in relief when she found him breathing.  
  
Anne fidgeted where she stood. "And while this is absolutely fascinating, can we kill her now?"  
  
"No," Kate muttered.  
  
"Bother you."  
  
"You do..."  
  
Standing up, she placed a hand on the tree to steady herself, as she tried to assess her situation, which any good NCO would do.  
  
* Number one, she definitely wasn't at home anymore, she didn't even think it was anywhere in the US either.  
  
* Number two, her commander was gonna kill her when she didn't show up for work today. She would be lucky if they didn't call her AWOL (Absent Without Leave). And if she were really lucky when she got back they wouldn't throw her in jail for it.  
  
* Number three, she suddenly wished she had an aspirin, her head was killing her.  
  
"Number four, she realized she just made a horrid attempt at comedy in a serious situation." Anne sighed angrily and leaned against a nearby tree. "And how does she know she's not in the U.S.? All she can see is this forest...!"  
  
Carol rolled her eyes. "Are you always this picky?"  
  
"When it comes to someone else's universe, honey, I can be pickier than anything."  
  
Kate would have given her partner a strange look, but she was preoccupied with the words. Her face contorted in horror as she skimmed; she tapped Anne on the shuolder and pointed at the words with a shaky hand. "We have to wait until we get to Rivendell," she said hoarsely. "I hate to do it... she leaves with Legolas, Elrohir, and Gandalf -I don't know how he gets in there, but he does- on a trip to Lothlorien so Galadriel can change her into an Elf!"  
  
Anne stared for a moment in silence before she cleared her throat and spoke. "Um, do you mind a quick rewind? You lost me back there."  
  
"Where?"  
  
"Somewhere after 'We have to wait until we get to Rivendell'."  
  
Kate sighed and shook her head. "That's all we need to know. We can kill her before the soap opera evolves too far, but we'll have to be quick and possibly away from Legolas."  
  
"I don't know..." Anne's face twisted in an evil grin. "We could get the newbie to hold him for us."  
  
"What happens when he gets loose?"  
  
"...we run?"  
  
Carol shushed them and pointed into the clearing. "He's here!"  
  
Sure enough, the PPCs turned in time to see Legolas creeping up behind Rain, who was still fooling with her bag, extra gun, and handcuffs. She tensed as he stepped on a twig, and when he put a hand on her shoulder, she whipped around and flipped him over her shoulder. Before he could retaliate, she slapped the handcuffs onto his wrists. Anne chose this moment to moan and beat her forehead into her fist, which (by some miracle) the Sue didn't hear.  
  
"What are these?" he said, looking up at the strangely dress young woman in front of him.  
  
"Huh?" she said, startled. She had been prepared for an attack, not curiosity. "Umm, their handcuffs"  
  
"Hand Cuffs" he said, peering down closely at the metal rings about his wrists, before looking back up at her "Ok, you can take them off now, please." An amused expression flittering across his face.  
  
"I don't think so, buster." she growled, after all it was he who had snuck up on her and she was not about to release him until she found out what was going on.  
  
Kate made a face. "Gee, that's just about as bad as 'fuzz-bub'..."  
  
"Hey," Anne protested, "I like X-Men: Evolution's version of Wolverine!"  
  
"Buster?" he queried. "My name isn't Buster, it's Legolas. Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of the Mirkwood Elves."  
  
"Seems like a he-said-she-said situation -- literally..." Anne sighed. "It's almost like reading a Harry Potter book. Plus, I thought we'd already established the fact that Elves don't use contractions...?"  
  
Carol, if she had been in an Anime continuum, could have effectively sweatdropped. "I happen to like the Harry Potter books."  
  
"Me too, but I often skip the repetitious bits after the dialogue. It annoys me."  
  
Kate pointed at the Sue. "Look, this is the fun part!"  
  
"Le. . .go. . las? I'm . . .in. . . Middle. . .Earth?" she stammered as bright points of light suddenly seemed to pop in and out of existence in front of her eyes. She swayed alarmingly as she spotted his pointed ears and suddenly fainted dead away.  
  
Anne and Kate cheered for a moment, then remotely acivated a portal and passed through with Carol on their heels.  
  
~*~  
  
The PPCs stepped out a few yards away from another clearing (Anne found another item on which to complain: too many clearings in the overabundant forests) and glanced around at their surroundings. Rain and Legolas were sitting around the fire, engaged in conversation and oblivious to their observers.  
  
"Hmm, time changed," Carol noted. "The sun has already set."  
  
Anne blinked at her. "Yeah... we skipped three chapters, four nights, and three days; of course time changed just a BIT..."  
  
"Be nice, Anne," Kate muttered, peering out into the clearing from behind a tree. "Okay, where are we?"  
  
Her partner brightened. "Do you think we missed the twi--"  
  
"AAGH!"  
  
"--we didn't miss the twins." She sighed heavily. "I was hoping we'd 'ported past this..."  
  
He watched as Rain forced marched another elf into camp, his hands secured behind his back with her handcuffs things. Leaves and dead branches caught in his disheveled black hair and a smudge of dirt, from where he had been shoved into the ground, adorning one check.  
  
"So Elladan, I see you have meet my friend Rain." chuckled Legolas, ignoring the dirty look he got from the other elf.  
  
"Funny, Legolas. Could you get these things off me?" he growled as he watched the woman saunter casually back around the fire and sit down.  
  
Kate frowned as she pulled out her Canon Analysis Device and pointed it at Elladan. "This ought to be interesting..."  
  
[73.46%! CHARACTER RUPTURE, YOU--]  
  
She shoved the device back into her pocket before it could finish its readout and gave a thin smile.  
  
"Don't kill Theo," Anne said in a whisper, "we need him to fix the console the next time we pummel our fists through the screen. ...uh-oh, they're talking again."  
  
"So how is it that the a warrior, such as yourself, could be careless enough to get caught unaware by a woman, no offense Rain." Legolas countered, enjoying the sight of the normally stuck up Elladan flustered.  
  
"None taken, Legolas" quipped Rain, leaning back against the log, enjoying the fact the she had taken down now, not one but two elves. "Just remember," she said, "he's not the only one who's been caught unaware." Laughing at the chagrined expression that flitted over Legolas's face and the startled one from Elladans'.  
  
Elladan slyly looked from the woman's laughing face to the embarrassed expression now on Legolas's face. "Oh ho, so I'm not the only one, humm." he said, laughing harder as Legolas began to blush.  
  
"Rain would you please release him, so that I can shut his laughing trap for good." Legolas growled, bouncing up from his sitting position to advance on Elladan.  
  
Kate, not wanting to wait for Elrohir's arrival, groaned inwardly and nudged Anne "Can we GO already? I want to get this over with..."  
  
"It wouldn't bother me if we left."  
  
~*~  
  
Carol glanced around her in wonder. "So this is Rivendell..." she breathed in awe, trying to see the city and keep up with the PPCs at the same time.  
  
"Yes, it's beautiful," Anne muttered, giving her a sardonic glare. "Will you at least TRY to walk in a straight line? You walk like you're drunk."  
  
"You're just jealous because Kate and I get to be female elves."  
  
"Jealous, my foot! Y'all can have the dresses, I can't stand 'em anyway."  
  
Kate shook her head and tried to ignore her partner. There was something about this girl that Anne obviously didn't like; and when she had that distrust towards someone, it was sometimes for a good reason... but only sometimes. "Hey Anne, if we hurry, we might be able to steal her clothes while she's bathing..."  
  
Her partner immediately brightened. "Can we get the dog instead?" She asked earnestly. "He can keep Kurt company when we go on missions...!"  
  
"Sure, if you can get him away from her."  
  
The three stopped in mid-step as a female elf came skipping out of Rain's room in an uncanon-like manner. Anne shuddered and glanced at the words with a grin. "Okay... the handmaiden leaves, and Rain goes into the bathroom. Perfect!" She went inside the bedchamber alone, and in a matter of moments, came back with the husky on a rope-leash.  
  
Carol eyed the dog carefully. "Are you sure he's not on her side anymore?"  
  
"We can trust him." Kate knelt beside the dog and scratched him behind the ears. "What're you going to rename him, Anne?"  
  
She looked thoughtful for a moment, but eventually a grin spread across her face. "Ein!"  
  
"I thought Ein was an abnormally intelligent Welsh Corgie...?"  
  
"Well, now he's an abnormally intelligent Husky! ...but the 'abnormally intelligent' part is probably moreso downplayed."  
  
Ein barked in protest.  
  
Anne held up her hands in defense. "Okay, sorry, I take it back!"  
  
Just as they turned to leave, the handmaiden in attendance to Rain came skipping back to the bedchamber with a pile of clothes in her arms. The three suppressed a collective shudder and beat a hasty retreat, knowing the Sue would soon notice that her faithful dog was absent. They passed Elrohir and Elladan as they meandered about, and Anne took the opprotunity to whip out the Polaroid and take pictures before Kate nabbed it from her.  
  
"Hey, not a lot of people remember them!" She protested, while her partner casually put the Polaroid in her own bag.  
  
"But we don't need to make them think they're imagining strange flashes of light."  
  
"Darn you..."  
  
Carol glanced ahead and saw a familiar figure walking in a dreamlike state towards them. "Legolas at twelve o'clock!" She muttered hurriedly. "Should we follow him?"  
  
For a moment, Anne made a noise as if to protest, but instead examined the words. "...y'know, you might be onto something," she admitted. "He IS going back to Rain's room, after all, and we need the charges... but I'm wondering if I can stomach a romance scene." She made a face and glanced at Kate, who was deep in thought. "What do you think?"  
  
There was a pause before she could answer. "...well, if we kill her before Legolas gets there, we could get out of here..." She sighed. "But there are some charges later on that we need, too. It'd be a good idea to wait it out a bit longer -- at least until after the dinner tonight."  
  
Ein's tail started wagging at the mention of dinner.  
  
"Poor boy, doesn't she feed you?" Anne asked, bending down to pet the dog.  
  
He merely whimpered, until the Elf brought out a part of the rations, which brought forth a more pleased expression as he ate.  
  
"...okay, that's great. But do we follow her?" Carol asked.  
  
Kate shrugged. "I don't care. We could teach Carol how to play cards and still have the charges from the words, if you want."  
  
Anne grinned. "Familiar with Egyptian Rat Race?"  
  
~*~  
  
After seven rounds of Rummy, two games of Egyptian Rat Race, and five rounds of Spit had passed, Kate finally spotted Rain and Legolas on their way to the dining hall. The three hurriedly put away the deck and crept after them, not wanting to be spotted by the Sue, until they reached their destination. Elrohir and Elladan greeted the couple as they came in, and after they exchanged words, Legolas led his company to stand near the open double doors at the other side of the hall.  
  
"Gripping dialogue and family tree mucking," Kate moaned, covering her head.  
  
Upon entering the dining hall, Lord Elrond stood to meet them, his voice ringing out over the gathered elves.  
  
"Welcome friends of old and new. I would like to welcome a very special guest this evening. Her coming has been foretold by the Lady Galdadriel herself, Lady Rain Clearwater, fiftieth generation granddaughter of Elros Half-Even, my brother."  
  
Carol's and Anne's jaws dropped in surprise. "WHAT?!" They chorused.  
  
Ein's ears flattened on his head at the screech.  
  
Kate nodded. "I told you it was horrid..."  
  
Rain stared up in disbelief at Lord Elrond, she was related to him. She was an elf, but how could that be. 'I don't look like an elf, so how could I be one.' she thought. She tried to remember what she had read about the elves. 'Elros,' she thought, brother of Elrond. 'What had happened to him?'  
  
Her pondering was interrupted by Legolas, who with a stunned expression on his face was leading her across the room towards Lord Elrond. 'Wait a minute, shouldn't that be Uncle Elrond?' she thought hysterically. 'Get it together Rain.' she thought, straightening her back and employing her military bearing to cover her confusion. She schooled her face to display none of the emotions rolling through her.  
  
"Ha, ha; so witty." Kate tried to crouch lower in their hiding place beneath a window. "But at least she's not his second daughter, taken from him by his jealous brother Voldemort..."  
  
Anne shrugged. "Well, she could have been taken by a time-traveling outlaw and rescued from a life of slavery by Vash the Stampede. Luckily, we have yet to recieve a report for a Lord of the Rings/Trigun crossover."  
  
She could hear the other elves in the room talking excitedly, as if she was some sort of surprise. Trying to focus on the moment at hand, she looked up into Elrond's gray eyes, who was currently smiling gently down at her, holding his hand out to her.  
  
Withdrawing her hand from Legolas's arm, she took Elrond's as he led her up to the raised table at the head of the room. She swiftly threw an imploring look over her shoulder at Legolas. Catching the meaning in her eyes, he nodded softly and followed close behind. She sat in the chair that Elrond had pulled out for her, before he sat down on her left. Legolas quickly took the seat to her right, frowning at Elrohir who had tried to beat him out.  
  
Carol glanced at the table. "I wonder what they're eating..."  
  
Unconcerned with the menu, Anne rolled her eyes and glanced at the words. "Piece of cake! She leaves for her room, stops along the way, and is wide open for us! We can get her then, right?"  
  
Kate shrugged. "Sure."  
  
"Rain, dear. Are you not enjoying the meal?" Elrond asked as he leaned over to talk quietly to her, watching as she circled the food around her plate.  
  
"I'm sorry, but I am just not hungry." she said, putting her fork down next to her plate and picking up the wineglass in front of her. She downed the entire contents quickly, wishing it was something quite a bit stronger than wine. 'Preferably a lot of something stronger.' she thought sarcastically.  
  
Seeing that nearly everyone had finished and were departing, she folded her napkin and turned to Elrond, "Would you please excuse me Lord Elrond, I am not feeling well and would like to go to my room."  
  
"Oh, I hope you feel better, dear. You and I will talk in the morning then. Shall I have someone escort you back to your room?" Elrond said, concern written across his features.  
  
"I'll take her Lord Elrond." Legolas spoke up before anyone else could answer, pushing back from the table to stand up.  
  
"No, please Legolas, stay and enjoy the company. I can find my own way." Rain said as she placed a hand on his shoulder to keep him in his seat. He looked up into her eyes and nodded, as he understood her need to be alone for the moment.  
  
Anne grinned menacingly. "Our turn to inflict pain. Kate, she's all yours once she stops to rest. C'mon, Ein!" The dog rose and followed the three PPC's eagerly.  
  
"I have just the arrows for the occasion, too!"  
  
Once outside of the dining room, instead of heading up the stairway to her chambers, Rain turned and darted out an archway into the darkness surrounding the manor. Picking up the hem of her dress as so not to trip, she dashed quickly down a darkened path and deep into the forest.  
  
Feeling a stitch in her side, she collapsed under a large tree and pulled her knees to her chest, rocking back and forth. 'What in the [heck] was going on here?' she thought hysterically, her emotions now free to run rampant over her.  
  
[Anne's note: The sentence containing brackets was censored for this author's personal preference. I know some of y'all don't care that much if there is profanity, but I prefer to keep this as clean as possible.]  
  
'How could she be related to an elf? Did this mean that she was in the past and Middle Earth was really Earth, not another world or dimension?' her mind was spinning, trying to take in all of the facts and process them reasonably. Taking a deep breath, she straightened and leaned back against the tree behind her.  
  
'Ok, let's work this out.' she thought, her military logic finally kicking it.  
  
* Number one, Uncle Elrond, nope better make that Lord Elrond until I know more. Lord Elrond's brother was my ancestor about fifty generations ago. Elros was his name. I wish I had my Tolkien books here so I could research him.  
  
* Number two, If I am related to Elrond through his brother, doesn't that mean I have elfin blood flowing through me and if so is that why I have always had such excellent hearing and eyesight.  
  
* Number three, If I am really related to the elves then that means this is Earth and not another dimension. So that would mean I have been dropped back into time. But for what reason?  
  
* Number four, I really wish I had a fifth of tequila right now.  
  
Sighing, she closed her eyes trying to clear all of the thought out of her already over-crowded head. That not working she tried reciting the Air Force Values over and over in her head until she could stop thinking about what all was going on.  
  
"Hullo, lover," a voice growled from behind. Rain turned and almost fell over in surprise, but saw no one.  
  
"...wh--who's there?" She stammered. "Legolas, if you're playing a trick on me, I'll--"  
  
Three figures stepped out of the bushes clad in elven garmets; two were female, one male. The male elf stepped forward with his arms crossed and addressed her. "Lady Rain?" He asked, almost spitting out her name in disgust.  
  
"That's me. What do you want?"  
  
One of the female elves nodded once. "Anne, charge her."  
  
"Rain Clearwater, you are hereby charged with the crimes of capturing (with handcuffs) the characters of Legolas and Elladan, bringing non-Middle-Earthean profanities to Middle-Earth, assaulting every English grammar rule at least twice, having a Cute Animal Friend (who is now in our possession), interacting with the characters of Legolas, Elladan, Elrohir, and Elrond; misspelling Elrohir at least twice, mucking with family trees, causing Legolas to fall madly in love with you, turning all of Rivendell into a soap opera/chick flick, and being a Mary Sue." Anne wheezed out the last part of the charges and bent over, her hands on her knees, to catch her breath.  
  
Rain was obviously dumbfounded by their list. "What?"  
  
"Didn't you understand any of that?" Carol scoffed.  
  
"Don't get too into it, dear," Anne gasped, managing to right herself. "Let her have it, Kate!"  
  
With a nod, Kate effortlessly drew an arrow from Anne's quiver and readied hereslf to fire her bow. "Any last words that aren't heart-wrenching or otherwise dramatic?" As Rain tried to open her mouth, the arrow flew through the air and struck her in the shoulder. "I missed!" She snarled, reaching for another arrow.  
  
Too late. Rain was off and running, holding her hurt shoulder with one hand and the hem of her dress with the other. Kate fired again, this time striking her through the neck; Rain's corpse fell limp into the mud with a sickening squelch-type noise.  
  
"Hmm, I must be better at moving targets," she mused as she handed Anne her bow. "Any ideas on how to dispose of her?"  
  
"We haven't visited the Watcher yet..."  
  
~*~  
  
Twenty minutes and one slightly less-hungry Watcher later, the three collapsed in the response center with exhausted sighs. They watched Kurt and Ein make friends with one another, and both had settled themselves around Anne after the infomal introductions.  
  
"If we have another mission already, I'm going to kill someone," Kate moaned.  
  
Carol managed a laugh. "Aside from the Sues?"  
  
"More along the lines of a suit-wearing sunflower..."  
  
[BEEP!]  
  
Ein barked at the noise, not quite sure of what it was, while Kurt tilted his head to the side.  
  
Anne groaned loudly as she stood and examined the console. "Down, Ein. It's only the bloody message people."  
  
With a meloncholy 'woof' from both dogs, Ein and Kurt retreated underneath the first desk they could find and shared a sigh.  
  
"...well, good news is, it's not a mission."  
  
"Thank goodness!" Kate exclaimed.  
  
"More good news: Carol is to be transferred to the Bad Slash department!"  
  
The girl grinned. "Yeah, I didn't really want to work here, anyway... too many girls in this department already."  
  
Anne rolled her eyes and read on. "...okay, here's the bad news: we DO have another mission already. We need to head out as soon as we can get our gear back together."  
  
Kate merely moaned from her laying position on the couch and covered her head with a pillow.  
==========  
  
Anne's note: ...Wow, this one was BAD. Not as bad as Arsarmwen or Erin, but still pretty hard to read. I didn't like it at ALL... Hey, be glad! We killed her before she beat up Legolas AND Aragorn! *mutters dark threats under her breath*  
  
Okay, I admit, I searched on my own and found this one because I was bored. But the next two chapters will be stories that have been submitted! (C'mon, guys, I'm getting tired of having to look for myself! Especially when the fic has as many bed scenes as Unforgettable did... ¬_¬) And yes, we have another dog! Not that it's a bad thing, mind. I like having pets!  
  
Kate's note: Oy, I hope this means I get a cat from the next Lord of the Rings/Harry Potter crossover. And for all wondering, even though some fellow PPCs are based on people we know, Carol was NOT. She was a random name Anne typed for plot purposes.  
  
Any more crossovers? Going to other places is fun; and if anyone manages to find a LotR/CSI fic, I'll be amazed. We want to pair up with the CSI department (or at least I want to...) for a chapter. Anne says she's bringing in two fun people for either the Trigun or Inuyasha department, though, and I think I should be afraid. As long as I get a cat eventually, I'll be happy... 


	7. Why Us

Chapter seven -- Why Us?  
~*~  
  
"I'm going to kill that ungreatful flower," Kate snarled, picking up her wand. "One litte 'Avada Kedavera', and BOOM, no more Sunflower."  
  
Anne sighed and exchanged tired glances with Ein and Kurt. "Well, I hate to say it, but maybe a new mission was his way of telling us 'You won't be transferred about aimlessly like everyone else'?"  
  
Her partner wasn't listening; she was busy digging through her private cabinet, which was two doors down from the one marked 'Poisons L-Z'. "Where is it... AHA!"  
  
"Good AHA or bad AHA?"  
  
"Very good AHA." Kate brought forth a small plastic bag and cut it open with a knife on the counter. "...perfect stress relief!" As she tipped the bag over, dozens of grey seeds spilled into her open palm. Kurt sniffed and licked at one as it fell on the floor.  
  
Anne stared. "...are those sunflower seeds?"  
  
"You bet!"  
  
Ein gave her a bark and whine of disapproval.  
  
"He's right, Kate. If the SO finds out you have those..." Anne crossed her arms. "I don't want to be partnered with someone like Carol again. Maybe someone like Steve or Susan, but not Carol. It'd probably mean I was sent to Slash." She shuddered.  
  
Both dogs' ears flattened at this comment.  
  
"Not anytime soon, guys," she quickly reassured them.  
  
A knock sounded at the hallway door, causing both PPC's to jump. The dogs tilted their heads to the side as Kate opened the door and raised an eyebrow at her partner. Two tall teenagers, one male, one female, entered; the boy, who easily could have been 6'1", had cut his light brown hair to the point of natural spiking, but his blue eyes were squinted in a frustrated glare at his partner. The girl, who had pulled her brown hair into a ponytail, was furiously poking at the boy's shoulder and trying to keep her glasses in place. Kurt and Ein set to work sniffing their legs to see if they were trustworthy people.  
  
"David! Shanna! What're y'all doing here?" Anne exclaimed happily.  
  
David grimaced as Shanna continued to poke him. "Make her STOP," he groaned. "She's been doing that since we left our department!"  
  
"I was trying not to pay attention!" Shanna protested, finally ceasing to poke his shoulder.  
  
Kate gave them a glance once-over as Kurt and Ein proceeded to sniff them thoroughly. "...Anne, who are they...?"  
  
"Oh! Sorry, almost forgot. Kate, this is David and Shanna from the Inuyasha Bad Slash department; David, Shanna, this is my partner, Kate! ...And that's Kurt and Ein passing you through Security."  
  
David bent to pet the two dogs. "Hey, how come you get to keep pets?"  
  
"Because Upstairs frowns more upon bringing back half-/whole-demons, poison insects, and werewolves than two huskies from two different Sues. Besides, we can't leave them in the canon! They don't belong there!"  
  
"You can always shoot the Cute Animal Friends," he offered.  
  
"Yeah, right." Kate grinned. "Can you see HER killing an animal? We already gave a horse to Susan in the Legend of Zelda department."  
  
Shanna cackled somewhat evilly. "I'll take a wild guess that Upstairs doesn't KNOW you have them in your department."  
  
The two exchanged glances and shrugged. "Do they HAVE to know?" Anne asked feebly.  
  
It took a minute for either David or Shanna to respond. "...probably not." David grinned. "They don't know I kept my Gamecube from when I lived in Reality, so if you don't tell, I won't."  
  
[BEEP]  
  
"Sounds like you have a call," Shanna noted, coming in second place behind Anne in the 'Stating the Obvious' contest.  
  
Kate frowned and walked back to the console. "We were about to head out on this one before you two came, actually."  
  
"Is it that busy in here?" David asked, peering into one of the poison-containing cabinets before Anne nearly closed it on his nose. "We've hardly been getting any calls lately... I guess people have finally gotten the message."  
  
Anne sighed. "You have no idea. We've had three or four missions in a row with no rest in between! I think Upstairs is trying to torture us for keeping Kurt and Ein." She dug around in a cabinet and brought forth two bowls and another that was a size larger. "Speaking of, what are we going to do for food for these two?" She asked, filling the larger bowl with water for the dogs.  
  
"We could feed 'em Sues," Kate muttered.  
  
"Oh, sure, and take a chance on poisoning them with the Sue-ness germ?"  
  
"How can we feed them to canonical monsters, then?"  
  
Anne thought for a moment and shrugged. "Don't know, maybe they have stronger stomachs?"  
  
Kate, if she had been in an Anime continuum, would have sweatdropped. "Just for that, I'm making you look over the readout."  
  
"Fine, fine..." She crossed the room and sat at the console, tapping buttons to make the screen appear. "Oookay, we have a report from a civilian who calls themself Silver Shadow of Silence... Oh, sweet mother of pearl!" She moaned. "THREE SUES? Wunderbar. Their names are Juu, Nicole, and Tabbi; they're twenty-year-old Canadians who randomly go around singing Contemporary Christian songs." She examined the words for a moment. "...hey, I know that song!"  
  
David peered over her shoulder and grimaced. "Ouch, that looks pretty bad."  
  
With a nod, Anne finished narrating the readout to her partner. "Okay, Juu and Nicole are human, Tabbi is a Hobbit. They're portaled to Middle-Earth when "Sauruman" (S-A-U-R-U-M-A-N) goofs on his spell to bring them as mindless idiots."  
  
"I don't see where he messed up," Kate growled, slinging her backpack over her shoulder. "Anything else?"  
  
"Yeah, lessee... Juu has a katana and two small, sword-like things called tonfas, Tabbi and Nicole have swords, Juu speaks semi-fluent Japanese, and they convince the Fellowship to let them come. There's my half of the charge list right there... Looks like Boromir, Legolas, and Frodo are the victims this time, too."  
  
Kate's eyes flared dangerously. "A Frodo Sue?"  
  
Anne glanced back quickly and scanned the words, trying frantically to find that she had been wrong. "...oh look, good news! It's mainly Boromir, so if we get rid of the Sues quickly, we'll be good to go."  
  
Shanna and David exchanged glances. "What are your dogs going to do while you're gone?" Shanna asked.  
  
"...don't know," Kate commented. "If you guys would like to stay here and keep an eye on them, we'd be much happier when we return to find our response center in one piece."  
  
"I doubt that'll happen anyway." David gave Shanna a stern look. "SHE might break something."  
  
"Hey, I haven't broken anything in a week now!"  
  
"Only because I moved that table before you plowed into it!"  
  
Kate and Anne were simultaneously relieved that they kept good accord with each another. "So, you two are staying?" Anne asked, interrupting their argument.  
  
"Yeah, sure." David flopped down on the couch and watch Kurt and Ein lie down on their side of the room. "We'll find something for food, I guess."  
  
"They ARE looking kinda hungry," Shanna cooed at the dogs, bending down to pet them.  
  
Her partner stared in surprise. "Heck, I was talking about me!"  
  
Anne groaned and tapped in their disguise of choice: orcs. "We'll be going now!" She called into the response center, shaking her head as she opened a portal. "Oy, this will be interesting to see..."  
  
~*~  
  
"YATTA! SUGOI! SUGOI!" Juu laughed in japanese as she and her bike sped down the road. "I love this bike, oh God the only thing that would make this better would be if I was with a handsome bishie like Bakura, or even Boromir." Juu foolishly closed her eyes to daydream about Boromir, her favourite character from Lord of the Rings causing her to sigh. Opening her eyes briefly she screamed as she smashed into a brand-new red Ferrari. Luckily she didn't go flying off her bike as one would expect, she just flipped off and over into the backseat of the now stopped car.  
  
Kate gave Anne an inquisitive look. "Okay, why did we portal to Earth instead of Middle-Earth?" She dumped some of her sunflower seeds into her hand and tossed them into her mouth, crunching on them as quietly as she could. "We're kind of sticking out of the scenery, if you didn't notice."  
  
"We're here to build charges."  
  
"Okay... well, what'd she say, then?"  
  
"Yatta, sugoi, sugoi? Beats me, I'm not a Japanese major." Anne scowled and watched Juu's friend come storming towards her. "Bakura isn't that much of bishie material, anyway. Yami Yugi, maybe..."  
  
The female driver growled and spun around glaring at Juu in the back. "For crying out loud Juu this is the third time this week and it's only MONDAY! Do you purposely hit my car or is it some divine fate by God that you must dent my precious car every frickin' day?!" Juu cringed at the verbal onslaught. "Gomen nasai Nikki, I swear I didn't mean to..."  
  
Anne blinked. "How could she have run into it three times this week if it's only Monday?"  
  
"Maybe she hit it twice yesterday," Kate muttered, undelicately spitting the shells onto the ground. This action didn't seem very unorcish, however.  
  
"Could have. And at least I know what she said this time..."  
  
Nicole ran a hand through her thick wavy brown hair and sighed. "Lemme guess you were daydreaming about Bakura again huh?"   
  
Juu blinked and shook her head no grinning. "Nope Boromir!"  
  
"Oiy, Juu no comment!"  
  
"Yami Yugi's still cooler, but at least I know what she sees in Boromir..." Anne waved her Canon Analysis Device at the two and watched the readout with obvious dislike.  
  
[Judith. Human female. Non-canon. Mary Sue.]  
  
[Nicole. Human female. Non-canon. Mary Sue.]  
  
Kate glanced behind the Sues and grimaced as she saw a swirling black portal open near them. "There's the portal -- let's get out of here before they see us." She tapped the button on the remote activator in Anne's hand and led her partner through their own portal before she could protest.  
  
~*~  
  
As the two sat outside the un-Mary-Sue-ified Council of Elrond, Anne glanced ahead at the words while she waited for Kate to deal out cards for Rummy. "...oh, by the way, we might want to sneak up behind Juu to kill her, unless you brought the sword you took from Nimoë."  
  
"Why's that?" Kate asked dryly, examining her cards and spitting out the last bit of the seed shells.  
  
Her partner shrugged casually and followed suit. "Her 'tonfas', as she called them (I have no idea what kind of sword they are, really), are made of pure titanium, and she's used them since she was eight. So... arrows would be a good idea unless you want your sword sliced in two. That's what she does to Boromir's, at least," she added cheerfully.  
  
"Goodie, goodie," she growled, shoving another small handful of seeds into her mouth.  
  
Suddenly, the two cringed in pain as an horrific feeling of evil passed over them. The world around them fazed to black-and-white for an instant, then shuddered itself back to its normal appearance; Anne glanced over at the Council, only to see that everyone's expressions had gone blank. All these events could only mean one thing: a Sue was beginning to take her possession of the Canon. "Here they come," she whimpered.  
  
"...And you shall be called the fellowship of the ring." concluded Elrond. Pippin sighed and glanced up at the sky. "What is that?" The other members of the council turned and looked above only to see two twenty year old girls falling from the sky, quickly followed by two strange red metallic large objects. They were Nicole's new Ferrari, and Juu's Harley Davidson Motorcycle.  
  
"AHH JUU THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!"  
  
"MY FAULT? What do you mean MY FAULT?" Juu screamed back angrily, as she remounted her bike and landed beside Boromir skillfully.  
  
Kate stared. "...did the motorcycle fall faster than she, or am I sensing a plothole?"  
  
"Plothole the size of The Shire," Anne replied sullenly. "I wasn't looking -- it would've given me more of a headache than I have now."  
  
"Oh ya' right it's always..." Nicole didn't get a chance to finish as her car fell into a nearby tree right beside the balcony, followed closely by Nicole herself who managed to land safely in the front.   
  
Another moan escaped Kate. "Cars and motorcycles should only fly in the Harry Potter continuum...!" More shells were spat out onto the ground.  
  
Juu noticing that Nicole didn't finish she added beaming, "Taylor's fault!"  
  
"Is that similar to everything being Jordan's fault?" Anne asked thoughtfully, thinking back on one of her past partners. "He was in this department with me before you came. Everyone joked that, when something went wrong, it was always his fault."  
  
"Where's he now?"  
  
"...well, after being put in Legend of Zelda, I think they finally moved him to one of the Cowboy Bebop departments."  
  
Kate reluctantly waved her Character Analysis Device through the Council, expecting the poor machine to break down and cry in her palm. "Here goes nothing..."  
  
First, to Boromir,  
[87.76%! CHARACTER RUPTURE!]  
  
Then to Aragorn,  
[76.98%! ANOTHER CHARACTER RUPTURE!]  
  
Next, to Legolas,  
[85.23%! THREE IN A ROW, TIC TAC TOE!]  
  
The hobbits,  
[98.65%! ALL FOUR OF THEM!]  
  
Gandalf,  
[67.77%! SWEET MOTHERBOARD, MAKE IT STOP!]  
  
And finally to Elrond...  
[Elrond Halfelven. Canonnoncanoncanonnoncanon multiply the square root of a British penguin Auntie Em! Auntie Em! There's no place like Port Royal! They're coming to take me away, haha, they're coming to terminal system errorororrrr...]  
  
With a flash and a puff of smoke, the device died in Kate's hand. Anne could only stare, not sure whether to be in awe or in terror at the sight she'd just witnessed, but instead turned her now disturbed attention back to the scene before them. "That was terrifyingly interesting," she finally declared as her partner put the deceased device away.  
  
Elrond, and Gandalf frowned at the new comers. "Who are you two? How did you get here, and what are those beasts!?" Exclaimed a surprised and angry Elrond. Juu finally took in her surroundings, and responded shocked "I'm not quite sure how I got here to be honest, but am I in Middle Earth?" Elrond's tone softened somewhat and answered, "Why yes, you are in Rivendell."  
  
"She keeps switching formats," Anne noted. "But at least there's more than one paragraph... And I hope you're going to clean those up." She pointed to the small pile of sunflower seed shells on the ground beside her partner. "They're very much non-canonical."  
  
"I'll get them eventually..."  
  
Nicole popped her head out of her car and smirked almost evilly thinking, 'I'm in middle Earth, without Ashley...and that means...LEGOLAS WILL BE MINE!!' Trying not to laugh, Nicole cautiously opened her door closest to the council, and quickly slid out. Thus causing her to fall into the now ended meeting ungraciously with a loud thump.  
  
"Should've broken her tailbone," Kate snarled.  
  
Juu who was currently trying not to ogle Boromir, while explaining about the portal burst out in laughter. "BWAHAHAHA YOU...YOUAHA... FELL OUT OF THE TREE ON YOUR ARS! HAHAhaha... You should of seen hehe your FACE!"Boromir placed a hand on Juu's shoulder to help her stop laughing, and to prevent her from having a heart attack. "Please milady control yourself, it was not that humourous." Juu looked up at his face and smiled mischievously "Oh but it was, it was..."  
  
"She can't even spell 'arse' right!" Anne resisted the temptation to fire openly into the Council upon the Sues.  
  
"No, you can't shoot them now," Kate muttered, noticing her partner's struggle. "We have to wait until Saruman tries to bring Terri."  
  
"Tabbi," she corrected.  
  
"Whatever." More seeds went into her mouth.  
  
Legolas walked calmly towards the growling/glaring Nicole, and held out his hand to help her up. "Are you uninjured lady...?"  
  
" 'Lady'. How gentlemanly of him," Anne said through a cackle. "Sounds like something young Goku would say!"  
  
Nicole accepted and pulled her self up with his help. "I'm Nicole, just Nicole, but my friends call me Nikki, and you're Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood, right?" The other members of the council that heard, along with Legolas looked at her in confusion. "How do you know my name Lady Nicole?"  
  
"Y'know, I read that wrong the first time," Kate noted. "I thought he'd said "How do you know my name is Lady Nicole?". Made for an entertaining double-take..."  
  
"Ever thought about the shell-less seeds?" Anne asked, glancing again at the pile of shells. "They'd be better clean-up."  
  
"Yeah, but where's the fun if you just eat 'em?"  
  
Nicole looked up into his handsome face, and stared into his eyes smiling. "Me and my friend Juu over there, know all about you guys, and this world. Your whole entire word, your reality is all a fraud it's a series of books created by a human authour called J.R.R. Tolkien."  
  
The two PPC's stared. "Does she think this is The Matrix or something?!" Anne cried.  
  
"At least she didn't say they're a part of a computer program," Kate muttered. "And she spelled 'author' wrong..."  
  
"How can she misspell 'author', but get all the long words right on the first try?"  
  
"Dunno."  
  
Everyone in the room minus Juu, who was currently grinning from ear to ear were taken aback in utter shock. Gimli narrowed his eyes "Your lying lass, this is a jest." Juu shook her head no, and pulled off her backpack. Opening it up she pulled out her Lord of the Rings book set, along with the book The Hobbit. "See these are the books, The Hobbit is actually the book that Bilbo wrote in this time, while the Lord of the Rings box set is all about the travels the fellowship takes to destroy the ring. I can't let you see that one of course, because it could mess up what happens in the future. Demo, you can see The Hobbit if you like." Bilbo scuttled over and grabbed the said book out of her hand and began to read it, paling considerably with each sentence he read. "My dear, this is my book. These two young ladies are not lying." Nicole laughed and said "We told you!" as everyone in the room went silent.  
  
Anne rested her forehead in her hand and moaned again. "Sure, bring the books with you -- no one's going to be curious and go digging through your backpack to learn the future. Nooo, not THEM; they're trustworthy souls..."  
  
"Which is why Boromir tries twice to take the Ring," Kate added. "And why Pippin steals the Pilantir from Gandalf in Return of the King."  
  
"Exactly my point." Anne opened a portal and motioned for them to leave. "Can we go before she makes the Hobbits all cute and adorable-like? That makes me absolutely sick."  
  
"Sure. Maybe we should start bringing barf bags on missions with us..."  
  
"I'll look into it."  
  
~*~  
  
The two orc PPC's tumbled out of the portal outside of a large dining hall, which seemed different from the last three times they had been there. "Y'know, I think every Sue has their own idea for the appearance of the dining hall," Anne said thoughtfully. "And the third Sue should be coming in for a landing right about--"  
  
Somewhere inside, Frodo yelped in surprise and a chair loudly toppled over backwards.  
  
"--now," Kate finished for her partner, who was trying to peer in one of the windows. "...well, aren't you going to read her?"  
  
"Right, right, getting there." Anne weakly waved her device at the new Hobbit, who was currently laying on top of Frodo.  
  
[Tabbi. Female Hobbit. Non-canon. Mary Sue.]  
  
"Yup, that's her." Kate drew an arrow and examined the tip. "Should we get them now, or wait until later?"  
  
"Later. And who said you could have them?" Anne demanded.  
  
She grinned. "I at least get the Frodo Sue."  
  
"FINE..."  
  
Juu and Nicole stood up quickly recognizing who it was, and ran to the fallen side of the ring bearer, and Tabbi. Juu, seeing their position bellowed angrily. "TABBI YOU BAKA GET OFF FRODO-SAN!"   
  
Nicole just giggled, and helped the two up. However her giggling turned into full blown laughter as she noticed Tabbi's new size. "Tabbi your. . .your . . . SHORT! You look, I mean your shorter than me and Juu! You're even shorter than the hobbits!"  
  
"Hey, Anne, she's catching up to you in the 'State the Obvious' contest!" Kate snickered, ignoring the glare from her partner.  
  
Juu blinked, noticed this and smirked. Her smirk quickly turned into a grin, which turned into a smile, which eventually ended up with her falling on the ground laughing hysterically while pointing at Tabbi. The one who used to rub in their shortness was now shorter than them.  
  
Tabbi was in shock, not only was she extremely short now, but she was no longer in Canada. Heck, she was no longer on Earth, the real world. In shock Tabbi turned around and came face to face with Frodo. Recognizing him as her favourite character she promptly passed out, back on top of him. AT least this time he caught her, and they both didn't fall over.  
  
Juu got back up with the help of Boromir, which was a complete waste of time because Juu just ended up laughing in and clinging to a now blushing Boromir's chest. Nicole rolled her eyes, and picked Tabbi out of Frodo's arms not gently. Shaking Tabbi like crazy, Nicole screamed in her ear "BLONDIE WAKE UP!"  
  
Tabbi awoke and looked t Nicole and sighed, pulling Nicole's hands off of her she glanced at Frodo and blushed thinking, 'Well at least I won't have to worry about the height difference now.' Trying not to hyperventilate, she walked up to Frodo slowly. "Uh . . . I . . .I am sorry for falling on you like that . . . twice. My name is Tabbi by the way and I'm one of their. . ." Tabbi paused to point out a giggling Juu and an unamused Nicole. "Ugly moronic friends."  
  
"Modest or desperate for attention?" Anne asked, not taking her eyes from the scene.  
  
"More towards the last one, probably."  
  
Before Frodo could even respond Juu stopped laughing, turned and flicked Tabbi in the ear. "No dissing yourself, you KNOW the rules!"   
  
Tabbi rubbed her ear in pain. "Can't I diss myself? It's the truth!" This small outburst ended up with Juu and Nicole both flicking Tabbi on each ear, thus making Tabbi drop the subject quickly.  
  
Frodo smiled slightly at the scene. 'These girls get stranger by the minute, and that new arrival Tabbi . . . look just like blonde hobbit with her size. She is pretty though, I wonder why she called herself ugly?' Frodo was taken out of his thoughts when he heard Tabbi asking to be able to join them as well on the quest, and the loud choruses of "yes" by Gandalf, Gimli, Aragorn, Boromir and Legolas.  
  
Anne and Kate shared a collective snarl.  
  
Juu turned towards Frodo and spoke softly, "Do you mind if we all tag along? You're the ring bearer it's really up to you."  
  
The three other hobbits, Sam, Pippin, and Merry pushed their ways through the crowd and made their way to Frodo quickly. "We've decided that you three girls can come along now. I guess you can fight too as well." Merry inquired pointing to the shortened Tabbi, who simply nodded in response.  
  
"Aren't they so CUTE?" Kate mocked in a squeal similar to the Sues' voices.  
  
Anne massaged the bridge of her nose. "Yes, deplorable--I mean, adorable."  
  
Frodo spoke up smiling warmly at the three Canadians, "Yes I don not see anything wrong with them coming, they have proved themselves to be able to take care of themselves, and their knowledge will be helpful. I say they come." Nicole, Juu, and Tabbi high-fived each other in excitement.  
  
"Can we PLEASE just port to Balin's Tomb, capture them, charge them, and kill them before anyone notices that they're gone?" Anne moaned. "PLEASE? All we miss is Juu getting drunk and Boromir taking her back to his room... I'm sure we CAN miss that, right?"  
  
Kate sighed, taking one last fleeting look at the Hobbits. "Not that far, though. If we find a period in which they're walking, we could further the charge list and not have to suffer through much more..."  
  
"Good enough for me!" Anne quickly portalled out, followed by her partner.  
  
~*~  
  
Anne sighed. She hated the walking sections... they had followed the Fellowship since Rivendell, and after a while, she lost track of time and allowed her mind to wander. 'Maybe it'll go by faster if I don't pay attention,' she thought hopefully. '...or maybe it's just that way in the halls...'  
  
Fifteen hours later, the fellowship was ten hours on the road. "I can't go on . . . must rest gonna die . . ." Tabbi moaned as she dragged her small tired feet across the ground.  
  
Frodo glanced in Tabbi's direction in sympathy, it was obvious Tabbi wasn't used to long treks like this. "It's all-right deary you will make it. It truly is all in your head. But, if it really is hard for you walking this long, maybe you shouldn't have come along. We've only been walking for a few hours since out last stop."  
  
Tabbi sighed, "I know but I'm not used to walking this long at one time. Besides I'm still not used to this height yet. With these tiny legs it's a lot harder for me to keep up with everyone. I'm simply not used to it."  
  
Merry bounced up beside her, "It's not so terrible, you'll eventually get used to the nonstop walking, and hiking."  
  
Tabbi shrugged, and leaned her head on Frodo's shoulder as she walked. "I can't do this! I'm to fight, not to walk!"  
  
"I'll show YOU a fight," Kate snarled.  
  
Anne sighed. "Down, Bessie," she muttered in her best Mushu imitation.  
  
Frodo smiled at the gesture and answered, "Well we're due to stop for the night soon any ways so do not worry."  
  
Hearing all the hobbit, and hobbit look alike talk behind her Juu laughed and turned around walking backwards. Looking down at the now much shorter girl Juu added cheekily, "Come on ya' pansy get those knees up! Suck it up, maybe you should have stayed in Rivendell, or at least get new shoes. Walking in heels can't be good for you."  
  
Tabbi rolled her eyes. "Ah shut up JUDITH."  
  
Kate muttered something along the lines of, "Hobbitsdon'twearshoes."  
  
"Don't worry, we'll kill her first," her partner reassured her somewhat nervously. "...hey, look! If we portal to where they're at the mines, we don't miss anything!"  
  
"We would've missed the Hobbits wearing shoes statement."  
  
"...yeah, true, but this way we can kill them sooner."  
  
"You said that last time."  
  
Anne hesitated. "I did?"  
  
"Yes, you did."  
  
"...well, we'll be closer than now to killing them. How's that?" She opened another portal and passed through with her partner in tow, only to find that they were outside of the mines of Moria. "Darn it, I thought I set it for later than this...!" She growled something more to herself and sat down heavily on a nearby rock. "At least we get a show out of the deal."  
  
Juu twitched slightly fearful of the water. "Nikki, T-Chan, let's just tell them and get in the cave. I really don't want to get wet."  
  
Boromir looked down at her confused, "Wet?"  
  
"White shirt."  
  
Anne and Kate simultaneously snorted.  
  
"Ah I see . . . Why are you worried about getting wet, it is not as if we will be going swimming."  
  
"There's a giant evil squid thing in the water." Juu replied as if saying the weather.  
  
"Oh ok . . . "Boromir paused then squawked out when it hit him, "WHAT?! WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO!?"  
  
Juu cringed, "Didn't think you really needed to know."  
  
Aragorn sighed and rubbed his temples, feeling a head ache coming along. "I really don't understand you three."  
  
Tabbi grinned up at him. "Good! Your not supposed to!"  
  
~*~  
  
Five minutes later Juu couldn't take the waiting any longer. "THAT'S IT NO MORE WAITING! The passy is; MELLON!" Juu screamed impatiently as the doors of Moria swung open. The fellowship blinked at Juu's random outburst, but came into the mine nonetheless. Walking in Legolas's eyes widened, "This is no mine, it's a tomb!" Sure enough the mine was littered with rotted away dwarf bodies and skeletons. Upon closer inspection Legolas noted that it was the work of orcs.  
  
Gimli seeing this whispered sadly, "No . . ."   
  
Nicole turned around to glance back at the lake, seeing it begin to ripple she spoke up panic evident in her voice. "Hey, let's get going! The psycho squid thing is like, well uh . . . WAKING UP!"  
  
"It's a WATCHER," a voice snapped angrily.  
  
The three Sues jumped and turned in mid-flee, peering through the darkness to see who had spoken. "Did you hear something?" Tabbi asked, shivering.  
  
"Did you hear voices from the dwarf spirits?" Aragorn asked sarcastically.  
  
"Shut up, Mr. Kingly Pants," Juu snapped back.  
  
Nicole squinted in an attempt to see into the shadows. "...no, I heard it... it didn't sound like a dwarf."  
  
"Smart move, genius," a new voice growled.  
  
"Well, you'd be mad if they went after Frodo with the short jokes!" The first voice protested. Two orcs stepped out from the shadows, both with arrows drawn and ready to fire. "Will the three girls among you please step forward?"  
  
Boromir stepped in front of Juu protectively. "Run," he whispered to her.  
  
"I wouldn't advise that," the second orc said loftily. "We'll kill Boromir, Legolas, and Frodo if you three refuse."  
  
Juu pushed past Boromir without glancing back at him. "What do you want, demon," she snarled.  
  
"Charge 'em, Anne," the second muttered.  
  
Anne took another step forward, not moving her arrow, and grinned evilly. "Juu, Nicole, and Tabbi; y'all are hereby charged with the crimes of bringing a motorcycle and a Ferrari into the Council of Elrond, interacting with the characters of Elrond, Bilbo, the Fellowship, and Saruman (inadvertantly); misspelling "Saruman", bringing non-Middle-Earthean weapons to Middle-Earth, making a Hobbit wear shoes, giving away the password to Moria, exchanging the characters' lines, joining the Fellowship, knowing the future of the Fellowship, calling Aragorn 'Mr. Kingly Pants', and being Mary Sues." She took another breath and looked back at the three girls. "Any last words?"  
  
Nicole and Tabbi stepped in front of Juu. "Just don't hurt these guys," they pleaded in unison. "They're vital to the mission!"  
  
Kate shrugged. "Okay. FIRE!" The arrows pierced the two through their necks, killing them instantly.  
  
Juu stared for a moment before falling to her knees in horror. "You monsters!" She roared.  
  
"Save it, sweetie," Anne snarled, drawing another arrow. She was forced to stop, however, when Boromir unsheathed his sword and charged her. "Oh, CRUD! KATE, HELP!" She drew her own sword and blocked his blow in time. "Get her, and hurry!"  
  
Kate hurriedly armed her bow again and aimed. "Keep him back," she ordered calmly. "Juu, if you know what's good for you, don't move."  
  
She stood still, unwavering. "I'm not afraid to die," she growled back.  
  
Anne let out a cry of pain as the tip of Boromir's sword slashed her upper arm. "HURRY!" Just as she spoke, her partner let the arrow fly and struck the Sue between the eyes. Anne fell back on her rear, cowering as the blade came towards her... and stopped, just before it colided with her head.  
  
"You okay?" Kate asked, helping her to her feet.  
  
"Yeah. Let's just get out of here before they come around..." Anne glanced at the Fellowship, who were beginning to look as if they knew what they were doing. "Let's just throw the Sues to the Watcher on the way out." She hissed as she ran a hand over the bloody gash on her arm. "That'll be an interesting scar..."  
  
~*~  
  
After feeding their favorite canonical monster, the two PPC's returned to their response center to stop the flow of blood from Anne's arm. When they entered, David and Shanna were surprised to see them. "We didn't know you'd be back so soon!" Shanna exclaimed happily, oblivious to the girl's injury.  
  
David made a face. "What'd you do, lose a fight with a Warg? That looks pretty bad..."  
  
Anne shook her head and tried to grin. "They always look worse than they really are," she began, but yelped loudly as he put a warm, wet rag on the large gash. "ITTAI, that HURT!"  
  
"It'll help clean it," Kate called, pulling her head out of the medicine cabinet. "Geez, Anne, you make more of a fuss over this than a Sue..."  
  
Her partner flushed an embarassed shade of red. "Okay, next time YOU get to fight off the enraged boyfriend, then! Boromir's DEADLY, I tell you!"  
  
Shanna fidgeted. "Do you need to go to the hospital wing, Anne?"  
  
"I doubt it, really. Once the bleeding stops, I'll be fine... I think."  
  
Kate grinned. "You're just afraid of the doctor there."  
  
"Have you SEEN the size of the needles he has in there?" She exclaimed. "No way, not me."  
  
David gave an exasperated sigh. "Well, if you don't want to go there, I know someone who can help..."  
  
~*~  
  
Kate rapped her knuckles on the door of the Pirates of the Caribbean department and gave David a skeptical look. "You're sure about this?"  
  
"Yeah, my older sister works here," he replied casually. "She was in the hospital wing for almost a year before the SO moved her here."  
  
Anne moaned. "Great. Just when I thought I'd gotten away from doctors..."  
  
"Oh, you'll be fine," Shanna promised.  
  
The door opened, which took the four by surprise. A girl about Kate's height stood there, her hand in mid-run through her short brown hair, giving David a confused look. "Wow, we don't get this many visitors often. Hi! I'm ET!"  
  
Anne would've extended a hand to her, but instead grinned back. "I'm Anne, and this is Kate. We're from the Lord of the Rings Mary Sue department -- your brother somewhat dragged us here."  
  
"David," ET scolded. "What did you and Shanna do NOW?"  
  
"Nothing!" He protested, pointing at Anne's injured arm. "She had a bad encounter with Boromir, and she doesn't like the hospital wing. Could you fix her arm?"  
  
His sister leveled a stare at him. "You know how to do it -- why couldn't you?"  
  
David gave her a very annoyed and embarassed glare.  
  
Kate rolled her eyes. "Oh, our knight in shining armor..."  
  
ET immediately brightened. "Oh well. Sure, I'll help. PATRICK!" She shouted over her shoulder. "WHERE'D I LEAVE MY FIRST AID KIT?"  
  
"On the console," a voice shouted back. "What did David do this time?"  
  
"NOTHING!" David moaned, exasperated.  
  
Shanna patted him on the shoulder. "Poor David -- always being picked on..."  
  
"Yeah, by you," he muttered.  
  
"...oh yeah, that's right!"  
  
==========  
Anne's note: Ouch. How come I get caught defending myself from Boromir? ...oh well, we got to meet ET, so all is good.  
  
Three bloody Sues... Thank you, Silver Shadow of Silence, for showing this one to us! Luckily, we managed to kill them before Nicole brought out her lightsaber, or Tabbi and Juu their guns. Good heavens, I think the author saw the Matrix before she wrote this! Normally I'd try to advise you to read the fic we bashed, but this time, I just can't. The beginning is almost funny, but it's pretty bad after that.  
  
Hee hee... Hey, ET, I hope you like our choice of partner for you! *cackles evilly*  
  
Kate's note: Lucky for me that I didn't have to read very much of this one. Seriously -- bringing the books to Middle-Earth isn't a smart idea. Then again, neither is going as a Sue in the first place, but that's just my opinion.  
  
I agree with Anne, though: if you can, avoid the real fic. It was the author's first (poor dear), and it needed some work. Yuck. 


	8. Ari

Chapter eight -- Ari  
~*~  
  
"OW!"  
  
ET gave an exasperated sigh, and for an instant, the resemblance between she and David was uncanny. "Hold STILL!" She exclaimed. "Yes, it's going to sting, but you'll be okay!"  
  
Anne made a face and rolled her sleeve up further on her shoulder. "I was trying to hold still!"  
  
"And failing miserably," Kate added, obviously enjoying herself.  
  
"You get to battle the Sue's boyfriend next time..."  
  
"Maybe you'll be lucky and only have to fend yourself from a Hobbit," Shanna commented, shifting positions on the couch.  
  
Patrick, ET's partner, shook his head. "If it's anything like fighting off an intoxicated Jack Sparrow, you'd be surprised..." He pulled up his shirt a bit to show a horizontal scar that stretched across his stomach. "He's still deadly when he's drunk."  
  
David shrugged and held up his right arm to the light, admiring the assortment of scars he'd gathered. "...half-demons are worse, especially when they lose their sword and start to use their claws."  
  
With another more calming sigh, ET took out a roll of bandages and started to cover the wound on Anne's arm. "I'm almost done," she assured her patient. "I just have to tie this off... there!"  
  
Anne examined ET's work and grinned. "Great! Now, how long do I have to wait to use my weapons again?"  
  
"Not long," the older girl began casually. "You know, a day, a week, something like that."  
  
Kate and Anne stared at her. "A WEEK?"  
  
"It would've been longer without the medicine I used," ET protested. "Can't you take the killing part of the missions for a while, Kate?"  
  
"How do I kill a Sue and fend off the angry Fellowship at the same time?" She exclaimed, frustrated. "We need her to be able to fight now, with all the assignments that've been coming in lately!"  
  
Shanna gave a meek grin. "That reminds me," she interjected quietly, "another call came in while you two were gone."  
  
Everyone stared at her in disbelief for an instant, then set into their own individual reactions: Anne moaned and put her head in her hands, Kate began beating her forehead against a doorframe, and David, Patrick, and ET merely shook their heads.  
  
"Wunderbar," Anne groaned. "Let's just go, Kate. We need to see how bad the call is this time..." She rose from her seat and gave a small bow for ET and Patrick. "Thanks for helping, we muchly appreciate it!"  
  
Kate nudged her with her elbow. "Is 'muchly' a word?" She asked in a whisper.  
  
"Dunno."  
  
~*~  
  
"Darn it, she was right." Kate frowned as she opened the call on the console. "...what the cheesecake...?"  
  
Anne blinked. "Well, never heard that one before. Why the exclamation of bewilderment?"  
  
"A platypus sent us this call."  
  
"...WHAT?" She quickly peered over Kate's shoulder and read to herself for a moment, then shook her head. "Hmm, a civilian who calls herself The Noble Platypus. Stranger things have happened, I guess. What did she send us, who is the Sue, and how bad is the fic?"  
  
"Her name is Ari, and... oh, EGADS..."  
  
Kurt and Ein sniffed curiously at the console, as if wanting to know why Kate had let out a moan.  
  
"Let me guess: her life story includes more than six adoptions by various humans/Hobbits/Elves?" Anne asked casually, glancing around for the remote activator. "Or maybe she was raised by various rodents and has a strange talking face on her tongue..."  
  
"Close." Kate frowned, ignoring her partner's latter comment. "She's a foster child who doesn't know her real parents, her foster father is killed in a car accident before the fic starts, and her foster mother becomes an abusive drunk after this. The kids at school constantly tease her about her odd, pointed ears, though her foster parents never seem to notice."  
  
"She's an Elf and doesn't know it? How bizarre is THAT...?"  
  
"About as bizarre as the love triangle she has going on."  
  
"Great. Who is it?"  
  
Kate shook her head and sighed. "Legolas and Elladan are all over her. That spells trouble from the start."  
  
Anne growled. "It reeks of three off-the-chart character ruptures, if you ask me. What in the name of all things holy and unholy in Middle-Earth does she think she's doing?!" She nabbed her wand and swung her backpack over her left shoulder. "I've got my gear. Ready?"  
  
"I don't know, are you sure you can handle this?"  
  
She grinned as she slipped into a British accent. "It's only a flesh wound!"  
  
"ANNE..."  
  
Anne scoffed and turned to their disguise console. "It's just a bloody scratch, I'll be FINE. What guises this time; Orcs, Uruk-Hai, or Elves?"  
  
"She seems partial to Elves," Kate said absently, scanning over the fic once more.  
  
"Jawohl, herr Kommandant!" Anne grinned at the reaction she received. "...what?"  
  
Her partner merely shook her head. "I'm not going to ask, so PLEASE don't tell me."  
  
"Just because you never watched Hogan's Heroes..."  
  
~*~  
  
The two PPC's portalled out into a heavily wooded area (which brought forth a bit of agitated muttering from Anne), arriving in time to see Legolas creeping towards a sleeping teenage girl. Anne and Kate dug in their bags for their devices, but Anne was quicker on the draw.  
  
[Ari. Female Elf. Non-canon. Mary Sue.]  
  
With a triumphant "Aha, I finally found it!", Kate waved her Character Analysis Device towards Legolas.  
  
[75.23%! CHARACTER RUPTURE!]  
  
"These Sues are getting in the habit of character ruptures," she noted quietly.  
  
Anne grunted. "Do tell. Take a look at the words..." She read aloud to her partner, who was enjoying herself by watching the scene play out as it was read.  
  
"(Legolas' point of view) I was walking through the forest on my way to Rivendell to visit Elladan and Elrohir, when I thought I saw someone sleeping on the ground. So I went to investigate.  
  
When I got there I saw a sleeping beauty. She had long white blonde hair, and had a skirt on that was a weird material (LEGOLAS DOESN'T SAY "WEIRD"!), in fact all her clothes were a bit odd. Nothing that he (...what the heck? She broke narration...) had seen anyone wearing before. I could tell she was an elf though.  
  
As I got closer I noticed she had a bruise on her face and some cuts and bruises on her hands, arms, and legs. She also looked as if she was alone and in trouble.  
  
So I knelt down next to her to get a better look at her and to wait until she woke up so I could talk to her."  
  
Kate blinked. "Okay, why is she covered in cuts and bruises?"  
  
"Well... the bruise on her face is a result of a slap from her foster mother, and I guess the other cuts and stuff are from walking in the woods. Honestly, I don't remember and I'm too lazy to check the words. ...whoo, look at this."  
  
" ~*~*~*~*Ari's POV*~*~*~*~ "  
  
It was a moment before Kate laughed. "I guess she thinks it looks 'prettyful' or something."  
  
"Yeah." Anne looked thoughtful. "...is 'prettyful' kind of like 'insanerest'? You know -- insane, insaner, insanest, insanerest?"  
  
"You've got to stop hanging around Steve..."  
  
[Ari's narration] I woke up to find someone kneeling down next to me. I gasped and sat up quickly and backed away from him. My back ended up hitting the tree I was sleeping next to and I realized I was trapped.  
  
He then spoke in a language that I had never heard before. I looked at him confused and he then he spoke in English, "Are you okay? How come you don't know our language?"  
  
Anne snarled. "He does not use idioms in that manner. 'How come' is too slang for an Elf!"  
  
"Y'know, I always hated idioms; maybe because I had to learn idioms in Latin class for three years." Kate gave a shrug. "Everything just seems harder when it's in Latin."  
  
"Shh, she's talking again!"  
  
"Besides a few cuts and bruises yes I am fine. I don't know your language because I have never learned it let alone heard it."  
  
"Hey, she writes the way Steve does!" Anne covered her mouth as she suppressed her cackles into snickers.  
  
Then I noticed his ears were pointy. Just like mine. I had never seen anyone that looked like me. I gasped again and then the world went black.  
  
~*~*~*~*Legolas' POV*~*~*~*~  
  
"Aww, look at the prettyfulness!"  
  
"Shut up, Anne..."  
  
When she passed out I caught her before she hit the ground. I then stood up with her in my arms and headed towards Rivendell. It was still about a week's journey to Rivendell though, on foot that is.  
  
"Of course he's on foot -- there wasn't a horse mentioned, was there?"  
  
Anne shrugged. "I didn't see anything. But then again, Legolas rides into Rivendell in The Fellowship, if I'm not mistaken."  
  
With a grimace and a glare (both directed at the now-unconscious Sue), Kate shoved her analysis device back into her bag and raised an eyebrow at her partner. "Well?"  
  
"...deep hole with water in it. Do you dig it, man?"  
  
"Ha ha. Are we 'porting or walking?"  
  
Anne sighed. Her sense of humor just seemed so unappreciated... "Portalling, I guess, because she doesn't say how long she's unconscious, she only says that she wakes 'around noon'. Of course, it's not like she'd know offhand, but most people tend to ask how much time will have passed in their mental absense."  
  
"...I'd probably agree with you, but you've lost me."  
  
~*~  
  
I woke up around noon to find the man that I had seen earlier, carrying me. He had long blonde hair, not quite as blonde as mine though, and part of it was pulled back behind his head in small braids. He had light blue eyes and looked to be around maybe 6'2 or 6'0. He reminded me a lot of Legolas from Lord of the Rings. But he can't be because LOTR is just a story. I could be dreaming though but I know I am not dreaming.  
  
"Save me," Anne squeaked rather painfully, covering her head in horror. "I'm being nibbled to death by the duck that is her diologue!" She writhed about for a moment, careful not to fall out of the tree that was their hiding place, before regaining her composure.  
  
Kate stared at her fearfully, unsure of what to make of her partner's terrified statement, but finally decided not to say anything for fear of Anne moaning something more horrific than before.  
  
I squirmed in his arms and he put me down and stopped walking. "Now that you are awake we can talk." He sat down and I did the same. "My name is Legolas Prince of Mirkwood. What is yours?"  
  
I was shocked when he said that he was Legolas. THE LEGOLAS! But I put my shock aside and answered him, "My name is Ari."  
  
"Is The Legolas related to The Cheat?"  
  
"No, but he IS related to a plothole," Kate commented lightly. "He and Legolas Prince are twin brothers."  
  
"Why are you dressed like that Ari? And where are you from?"  
  
"I am from America and this is the way they dress there."  
  
"You are not from Mirkwood, or Rivendell, or Lothlorien?"  
  
"Well, for all I know I could be. The family I lived with in America was only my foster family. I have never met my real parents. I have no clue what they even look like."  
  
Anne started to say something about Legolas having never heard of America before, but thought better of it and instead bit her lip in frustration.  
  
"Did you live with elves though?"  
  
"No, I lived with humans. I always thought I was one. I was never told otherwise. I always wished I was an elf though."  
  
"Well, you are an elf. Didn't you ever wonder why you had pointy ears and none of the humans did?"  
  
"Well, yeah, but where I am from there are no elves just humans. Elves are in fairy tales. I always thought they weren't real."  
  
"Well as you can see elves are real." I then reached out to touch his ear and when I did he leapt backwards with a yelp. I then looked at him awkwardly. I wondered why he looked as if I just drove a knife through him.  
  
"Also elves ears are sensitive. I am sure you knew that."  
  
"Oh yeah. Oops."  
  
Kate scowled. "I'm sure it just slipped her mind. Wouldn't she know not to touch his ears after someone touched her own?"  
  
"Maybe no one touched hers because they thought they'd catch her disease," Anne muttered darkly. "I'm not one to support racism, but I think she took the pity-me factor a bit far." She paused and ran her tongue over her lip, then frowned. "I think I bit too hard -- my lip is bleeding."  
  
"That was brilliant."  
  
He then stood up, "That's alright. We should keep going now. It is still about a weeks journey to Rivendell."  
  
I stood up and looked at him, "We are going to Rivendell?"  
  
"Yes, we are. I am going to visit some friends there." He then handed me a piece of some kind of bread as we kept walking. I think the bread is lambas.  
  
"And I think the Sue is brainless. What say ye?" Anne scornfully picked at the branch on which she sat, breaking the pieces of bark between her fingers. "She's bloody annoying, too."  
  
Kate sighed. "They all tend to be. Are we following them, or porting to Rivendell?"  
  
Her partner let out a sigh as she glanced over the words. "...no, let's just go to Rivendell. We don't miss much, anyway. Listen:  
  
'Almost a week later we were a day away from Rivendell. Legolas and I were very good friends now. I had never had such a good friend as Legolas. Even Gab, Josh, and I didn't have such a good friendship. The three of us had always been friends but never best friends though. So I didn't know what it was like to have a really good friend until now. I am now happier than I have ever been.  
  
'Legolas had taken care of my cuts and bruises and they are now gone. Not one is left. Not even the bruise that had been on my face was left.'  
  
"See?"  
  
Kate, wondering why Anne had felt the need to read the words to her since they both could see, merely shrugged and gestured for an open portal. "Let's go, then. The sooner we get there, the sooner we can leave."  
  
~*~  
  
Legolas and I arrived in Rivendell the very next day. Rivendell is beautiful. And the nature that surrounds it makes it even more beautiful. Rivendell seems to have rivers all around it and even some waterfalls. And then the House of Elrond looks just it does in the movie.  
  
Anne and Kate, keeping a short distance behind the two, groaned to themselves and each muttered different curses at the Sue.  
  
When we arrived, we were greeted by many elves. One with long dark hair and brown eyes started to walk towards us. He looked to be royalty. I would guess he is Lord Elrond.  
  
"She's absolutely brilliant," Anne snarled, standing behind a crowd of Elves. "If she's even seen the movie, she would know how the movieverse Elrond looks..."  
  
Kate shrugged. "Well, when she ran into Legolas, she didn't recognize him completely... maybe she's having a memory lapse."  
  
"How can she lose what she doesn't have?"  
  
He stopped in front of us and looked at Legolas, "Legolas it is good to see you again." Then he turned to me, "And who are you?"  
  
This guy gives me the creeps. He looks scary. "My name is Ari, sir," I replied to his question.  
  
"My name is Lord Elrond. Where are you from?"  
  
Before I could answer Legolas answered for me, "She is from another time. When all that lives on the world are humans. She lived with a foster family. She does not know her real parents."  
  
There was some silence (nearly thwarted by Anne, who had have subtle physical restraint in order to keep from shooting the Sue in the head) and then Elrond answered, "You have no memory of your parents? You do not remember them at all?"  
  
"No my lord."  
  
"We will just have to look for your parents then," he said.  
  
"That is not necessary, my lord, "I answered.  
  
"Please call me Elrond. And I am very willing to look for your parents. It will not be that hard. I can tell just by looking at you that you are a Lothlorien elf. And I know the Lord and Lady of Lothlorien. I will send a messenger and see."  
  
I was shocked. Lately I have been getting shocked a lot though. Elrond barely knows me and he is already helping me find my parents. I guess elves are a lot nicer than humans.  
  
"I guess her foster parents were absolutely horrid to her, then, if she's never met a kind human." Anne rubbed her arm briskly as an act of impatience, but winced as the action aggrivated her bandaged injury. "Bloody arm... I wish I could kill this one."  
  
"And take a chance on hurting yourself even worse? Yeah, right. I'LL take this one." Kate frowned. "You'll just have to find some sort of stress relief until that heals."  
  
"Darn you. ...hey, I just noticed that everyone else is speaking English. Why aren't they speaking Elvish like Legolas was in the beginninng?" She glanced around and raised her eyebrow in curiosity. "Hmm, I smell a charge..."  
  
Kate shrugged. "Go figure. I guess she forgot, therefore she loses the point I gave her for that.  
  
Annd frowned as she looked back towards the sue. "Well, Elrond's left already. Grab the hardhats and brace yourself for more painful dialogue..."  
  
I then wondered how Elrond new I was a Lothlorien elf, "Legolas, how come Lord Elrond knew I was a Lorien Elf just by looking at me?"  
  
"Well, I am not quite sure because I have never been to Lothlorien but I know they have all have blonde hair."  
  
Kate scowled. "So Legolas must be from Lothlorien, too, because HE has blonde hair."  
  
"Can't I kill her?" Anne begged.  
  
"NO."  
  
As we were walking away two elves that looked a lot like Elrond and not to mention identical came running towards Legolas. I guessed them to be Elladan and Elrohir. But it is too hard to tell them apart. They look a lot like Lord Elrond but younger and a lot more handsome.  
  
Anne twitched uncontrollably. "Commas! They go in the middle of sentences! They join complex sentences together so that they're not run-on sentences!" Luckily, no one heard or noticed her.  
  
Legolas and the twins greeted each other like old friends. Hugging each other in the manly way I guess you would put it. Then Legolas introduced us, "This is Elrohir." Legolas pointed to the one elf. "And this is Elladan." He pointed to the other elf. "And this is Ari."  
  
Then the one Legolas said was Elrohir spoke, "The way to tell us apart is Elladan is the one who is always playing jokes on people with Legolas." I laughed at that.  
  
Kate gave a curious noise. "Y'know, Legolas didn't strike me as a mischeivous elf. Charge her with it?"  
  
"Sure." Anne sighed and watched the elves finish their conversation, which included Ari, Legolas, and Elladan breaking out into an uncontrollable fit of laughter. "We have nothing to do until tomorrow -- do you want to scootch on ahead or wait it out?"  
  
Her partner went deep into thought for a moment, then shrugged. "We could actually get a good night's sleep if we waited through it..." she muttered, toying with the option in her mind. "It sounds tempting."  
  
"Sounds good to me, since the sun's already going down. Let's go find somewhere to set up camp."  
  
~*~  
  
The next day, Anne and Kate awoke to find the midday sun shining down on them. "Dang, I guess it HAS been a while since we actually had a chance to sleep," Kate muttered. "C'mon, they should be down near the... 'lake', wherever that is. My sense of direction is bad in the morning."  
  
"But it's not morning," Anne pointed out.  
  
"You know what I mean!"  
  
The two PPC's made their way around Rivendell in search of the Sue and her three elven companions, and after getting lost and finding a library in an area they had never seen before, they managed to find whom they had been searching for next to a possibly non-existent lake. Kate watched the four talk for some time, while Anne, absorbed in a book she had snatched out of the found library, was ignoring the whole scene.  
  
"You're not paying attention," Kate finally hissed at her. "I thought you were doing the charge list!"  
  
Anne nodded absently and turned a page. "Yeah, sounds fine. Go ahead."  
  
Her partner gave an exasperated sigh and turned back just in time to see the three elves dive into the lake wearing only their leggings. She made a strangled squawking noise and ducked her head; she took a wary glance at the words, then breathed a sigh of relief as she read that the following scene was indeed safe to watch. As Ari undressed to her shift and jumped in after them, Kate couldn't help but wonder when she and Anne had eaten their last meal...  
  
"Hey, Anne, you hungry?" She asked quietly.  
  
The mention of food brought her attention forward. "Actually, I am. Wanna go snitch something out of the kitchen...?" An evil grin spread across her face, which was almost a frightening sight, truth be told.  
  
"One of us has to work on the charge list."  
  
"...well, I've got enough to satisfy me, but only because I've read ahead. If you'd like to stay, I'll bring you some of whatever I find...!" Before Kate could object, Anne had closed her book, stashed it in her backpack, and jogged off in the direction from which they had come. She merely sighed to herself and shook her head, hoping her partner wouldn't get herself injured worse that she already was...  
  
Twenty minutes passed, and Anne still hadn't returned. Kate nervously checked the sky, the words, and her surroundings before glancing back towards the Sue, wondering what had become of her partner. When thirty minutes had gone by, she stood to get a better view of everything around her, only to have a hundred and twelve pounds of flying elf run smack into her. She cried out and fell backwards with Anne on top of her, who was panting heavily and grasping two leather satchels in a death grip.  
  
"Never... EVER... make the woman in the kitchen mad at you," Anne gasped, managing to pry herself off of her partner.  
  
Kate gave her a wide-eyed stare as she was handed a satchel of food. "...Anne," she began warily, "what did you do this time...?"  
  
She managed a weak grin. "Heh, it's actually kind of funny... um, I kinda figured out that, even though they can't see us, they can still HEAR us..."  
  
"What did you DO?"  
  
"It wasn't MY fault, I swear! That rack of pans came up out of nowhere, I couldn't do anything to keep it from attacking me!"  
  
It was a moment before Kate could say anything, for she was trying to decide if the proper reaction should have been a safety lecture of a fit of hystarical laughter. "...a pan rack attacked you," she said slowly. "Let me guess -- the rest involves pointed objects and being chased out of the kitchen on promise of a painful death?"  
  
Anne shrugged sheepishly. "Pretty close," she admitted with another grin.  
  
"What am I going to do with you?" Her partner asked through a moan. "You're impossible..."  
  
"Hey, I got you food," she protested. "Shouldn't that count for something?"  
  
"Okay, thank you for the food." Kate sighed and opened the bag Anne had given her, checking nervously over her shoulder to see if the Sue had left. "C'mon, we need to hurry; it's almost dinnertime, and according to the words, they're going to be late meeting up with Elrond."  
  
Sure enough, as soon as they had finished their individual servings of food, Elrohir exclaimed, "We are late for dinner!" They watched as the four hurriedly got out of the water, redressed, and trudged off up the hill. Anne and Kate exchanged glances, shrugged, and Anne opened a portal without saying a word.  
  
~*~  
  
"So, what's to see here?" Kate asked, looking around.  
  
Anne shrugged and put her remote activator in her pocket. "I dunno, I think it's after dinner... AGH! Sue alert!" The two ducked behind a pillar just before Legolas and Ari walked by, her arm comfortably hooked inside of his. They stopped in front of a doorway that the PPC's assumed to lead to Ari's quarters, looking happy and slightly romantic; Kate threw Anne a cautious look, which was ignored on account of Anne's hateful glares.  
  
When we got to my door. I smiled up at him, "I had a wonderful night. Thank you."  
  
"My pleasure," he replied also smiling.  
  
Then I thought of something, "Why have you acted differently towards me tonight than you usually do? You have treated me as a man would when he courts a woman all of a sudden, when just earlier today you were treating me as a friend would treat a friend. But I don't understand why?" I asked quite confused.  
  
He just kept smiling, "That is because I have realized something today that I did not know a week ago."  
  
I looked at him still quite confused, "And what would that be?" I very curious to see what it was that he realized today that he had not known.  
  
Anne gagged.  
  
He put a loose hair behind my ear, not the act of a friend. "I realized today that I like."  
  
Kate stared. "So what's the end of the sentence? 'I realized today that I like porcupines'?"  
  
"Nah, I wish," Anne moaned.  
  
"What do you mean like me?" I wasn't sure what he meant by it. Maybe I was just being thick headed.  
  
"I mean I like you in more than a friendly way. I like you in a more intimate way. I think I may be even falling for you. But it is to soon for me to know."  
  
Anne scoffed. "Which is why you're telling her. Guys have no tact..."  
  
I stood there stunned by his speech, not knowing what to say. "Goodnight," he said. And then he surprised me even more by leaning in for a quick kiss. But I wasn't disgusted like I thought I would be for my friend to kiss me. I actually liked it. But I didn't know why. I couldn't explain the feelings inside of me. All of the sudden from that one kiss all my feelings for him changed. But I couldn't explain my feelings for him. I wasn't sure what they were exactly.  
  
I looked up at him, "Goodnight Legolas."  
  
"Sweet dreams Ari, " he replied before he turned and started to walk away as I opened the door to my room and went inside and changed for bed.  
  
"Anne, can we get out of here?" Kate groaned, resting her forehead in her hand; when her partner didn't respond, she glanced over to see her wearing a highly confused look. "...what?"  
  
She shook her head. "I don't know what to make of that sentence: he replied before he turned and started to walk away as I opened the door to my room and went inside and changed for bed? Either her sentences are too short or too long, but she can't seem to find a middle-point..."  
  
"So, can we go?"  
  
"Yup."  
  
The portal was opened, and within an instant, the two PPC's found themselves in the blinding sun. It was a moment before they could see clearly, but when they could, they saw that they were outside of the never-before-mentioned-until-this-fic stables.  
  
Kate glanced around at their surroundings, squinting in the sunlight. "Dang, Anne, did you send us back in time or something? It looks like it's early afternoon again..."  
  
"Actually, I sent us to the next day, when the four go horseback riding." Anne frowned. "Of course, the Sue doesn't know how to ride, so she has to buddy-up with Legolas."  
  
"Of course."  
  
"See, they're coming back now."  
  
"Of course."  
  
"Ha, ha. Funny."  
  
Sure enough, as they stood still, they could see three horses galloping towards them and bearing riders. It was a few moments (only after they found a hiding place) until the four riders arrived; Legolas and Ari looked to be in individual states of ecstasy, but Elrohir and Elladan almost looked back to normal. Normal, that is, until Elladan asked Ari to take a walk with him.  
  
Anne moaned. "I have a nack for finding these spots..."  
  
Kate merely grunted back and followed the two elves as they made their way in the opposite direction of the others. Eventually, Elladan pulled her in front of him to speak to her.  
  
"Ari, I like you I really do. With your permission I would like to start courting you."  
  
I was shocked beyond belief. I was torn between Legolas and Elladan. But the thing was I felt nothing other than friendship for Elladan. I would never feel any more than that. That I was sure nothing would ever change, even a kiss.  
  
"I. I. can't. Lego." I stopped myself from saying anymore. "I must go I have to meet someone," I said then turned away and started running leaving behind a confused Elladan.  
  
"Poor baby," Anne snarled. "It's such a hard problem to have, isn't it?"  
  
I went to the gardens and then the tears started to flow. I saw Elrohir and knew he was the only one I could talk to right now. He saw me and immediately came towards me. I ran into his arms and started crying even harder.  
  
"What is wrong?" he asked me.  
  
"I. he. they." I stuttered.  
  
"Sshh. Calm down and then talk."  
  
After a few minutes I had finally calmed down enough to talk to him, "Yesterday Legolas told me he liked me more than a friend. Today I told him I felt the same. Then after the horseback riding Elladan wanted to talk to me. He said he liked me as more than a friend. But I will never feel that way towards him. I will always think of him as just a friend. But I don't want to hurt him by telling him the truth!" I ended up crying all over again.  
  
"You have to tell him the truth eventually. The longer you wait the harder it will be to tell him." I just nodded. "Let's put you to bed. You need some rest." He then led me to my room and put me to bed. I fell asleep crying. I woke up to someone in my room. I saw Legolas sitting on the edge of the bed.  
  
Anne and Kate, feeling their tempers rise toward the Sue, waited outside of the window. It was hard for them to stay quiet, but the knowledge of the fact that they would be heard the minute they said anything helped.  
  
He kissed my cheek, "Elrohir told me you were sleeping that you were really tired. I was worried about you when you didn't show up for dinner." Then he noticed that I had been crying. "Why were you crying, melamin?" (my love)  
  
"I. I.I wasn't crying?" I lied even when it was evident I had been.  
  
"Do not lie to me. It is obvious by your eyes that you have been crying. Why?"  
  
I tried to change the subject, "What does melamin mean?"  
  
"It means my love. Now stop changing the subject and answer me."  
  
"Answer what?" I asked innocently.  
  
"You know very well what I want you to answer. Now answer it before I do something you may not like," he said irritably.  
  
I laughed. Then I frowned, "I still have no clue what you are talking about."  
  
"You asked for it," he said. Then he came down to claim my lips. He climbed on top of me and I didn't protest.  
  
"ALRIGHT, THAT'S ENOUGH!" A voice roared from the window. A male elf slammed open the door, one arm wrapped in a bandage, the other clenched in a fist. "YOU! Yes, bloody abnoxious girl in the bed! Get that elf off of you and stand up!"  
  
"ANNE," another elf hissed, coming in after her companion. "What're you DOING?"  
  
"I'm ending this NOW," Anne snapped. "Kate, charge her!"  
  
Kate sighed. "Alright... Ari, you are hereby charged with the crimes of being an elf without realizing it, causing a love triangle between yourself and the characters of Legolas and Elladan, interacting with the characters of Elrond, Legolas, Elrohir, and Elladan; annoying Anne--- ANNE!"  
  
Anne looked innocently back at her partner. "What...?"  
  
"Oh, bother. Where was I...? Oh -- bringing non-Middle-Earthean idioms and slang to Middle-Earth, being inconsistant concerning elven ears, not understanding the full proper use of a comma, and being a Mary Sue."  
  
Ari looked confused. Legolas looked even more confused.  
  
Anne marched over to him, grabbed his arm, and gave him a stern look. "Let's go outside and have a little talk about saving certain things for times post marriage, shall we?" She glanced back at Kate with an evil grin. "She's all yours, mate."  
  
"Glad to oblidge." Kate waited until Anne and Legolas had left, then raised her bow with an arrow aimed at Ari's throat. "Any last words that aren't dramatic or sappy?"  
  
"Can't we talk this out?" She begged. "I'm sure we could talk to Elrond, and--"  
  
"That's LORD Elrond to you," Kate snapped. "And if you're quite finished..." she fired a bulls-eye into the Sue's throat and watched her fall over, dead. "Hmm, that was strangely relieving."  
  
"DONE YET?" Anne shouted from her side of the door. "He looks to be back to normal! Can we go?"  
  
~*~  
  
"I hope we can at least get a small nap," Kate moaned as they stumbled into their office, though she did make sure to pet Kurt and Ein when they greeted them at the portal. "I'm tired!"  
  
Anne shrugged and opened the door to the response center, only to see Shanna laying comfortably on the couch. "Um... hi, Shanna," she said with much uncertainty. "Where's David?"  
  
Shanna grinned. "Oh, he's--" she was cut off, however, by the ever-recognizable sound of someone throwing up in the next room. "...in the bathroom," she finally finished.  
  
"What'd you do to him?" Anne asked frantically, dashing off to see if she could help him.  
  
"Nothing!" The girl protested. "I was just lying here on the couch, he was sitting at the desk -- next thing I know, he's running off to the bathroom with his hand over his mouth!"  
  
Kate winced as they heard David vomit again. "Ugh... what caused it so suddenly?"  
  
Shanna merely shrugged. "I don't know; he was sitting there, a call came in for you guys, and then he ran off. It was kinda weird..."  
  
"Another ca--- oh, NO," Kate groaned, hanging her head in her hand. "Please, PLEASE, don't let it be that bad..." she slowly turned to the console, tapped a few buttons, and read for a moment before the color completely drained from her face. "Oh, NO..." she repeated. "It IS that bad...!"  
  
Sounds of dry heaves and the toilet flushing drifted into the room, and a moment later David and Anne came back into the response center, though David had his arm on Anne's shoulders for support. "I think I'm okay now," he moaned. "I must've chucked everything in my system by now..."  
  
"Shanna, get up," Anne commanded. "He needs to lie down."  
  
Somewhat reluctantly, Shanna did as told and watched him lie down on the couch with her eyebrow raised. "Was it the call that set it off?"  
  
He weakly nodded, wincing painfully as it came to his mind. "Don't look if you're easily disturbed," he warned. "You guys are going to have fun this time..."  
  
Anne, having never learned that it's a wise idea to listen when someone says "don't look," peered over Kate's shoulder at the readout. "It can't be THAT bad," she scoffed.  
  
"It is," Kate said helplessly. "That bad and worse..."  
  
"Can't be as bad as Arsarmw..." she trailed off as she continued reading the words, her face turning a pale greenish shade; then, a gag came from deep in her throat, and she sprinted out of the room, managing to throw open the bathroom door in time. The three cringed when they heard Anne completely lose her lunch into the toilet.  
==========  
  
Anne's note: Heh, NOT my kind of fic coming up next. As a matter of fact, neither was this one... *shudders* five hundred miles of bad road. But at least Ari didn't make me pull a liquid laugh! The next one should be interesting... Kate and I refer to it merely as "that fic", and we know what the other is talking about. It's pretty bad.  
Many, many thanks to The Noble Platypus for sending us this one! See, you get a gold star! *hands Platy a star-trophy with "Coolest Platypus" engraved on it* But only because you also sent us the next one, too. Whee-hee! I like being busy! *runs off cackling madly*  
  
Kate's note: Oy, I think the weather's changing -- Anne's off-the-wall hyper again.  
Ah, well. We enjoyed killing this one! It was kind of hard, considering that she was ALWAYS with a canonical character, but we managed. But I still don't know how we're handling next mission, since Anne is sick AND injured... ANNE, STOP HURTING YOURSELF!  
As Anne said, thank yous to Platy, because Anne was getting tired of having to search for fics herself. She was so happy to have two fics sent to her from the same reviewer... 


	9. Loves Oceans

Chapter nine -- Loves Oceans  
~*~  
  
"Sick partner, worst-case-scenario Sue, and no time to send a message Upstairs... not good." Kate ran a hand through her hair in exasperation, desperately trying to think. "Okay, I'm not going to like this, but I have an idea," she finally said. "Anne... you're going to have to stay here this time."  
  
"WHAT?" Anne cried, sitting bolt upright on the loveseat to stare in disbelief at her partner. "You can't be serious! Upstairs won't let you go alone!" Her body caught up with her as she finished her sentence, which sent her cringing back to a laying position.  
  
"I won't be going alone," Kate finished, sending an intense stare towards Shanna, who merely stared back.  
  
"...what?" she finally asked. "Why are you staring at me--" Slowly, the realization overtook her, and her eyes grew wide with surprise. "ME?" Kate nodded. "But I'm not even IN this department! We could be kicked out for this..."  
  
"Your partner's sick, my partner's sick, they'll probably be bowing and worshipping the almighty toilet on their knees all day; it's a chance we have to take. There's no time to get anyone else!" Without hesitation, Kate tossed Anne's pack to Shanna, but first removed the wand and gave it back to her partner. "You might need this."  
  
Anne grinned. "Is that your way of saying that you don't trust Shanna with my wand?"  
  
"...well, THAT... and I have mine, too."  
  
David frowned as the two finished gathering random pieces of gear. "If Upstairs finds out, I'm not responsible," he declared.  
  
[BEEP]  
  
"David, you jinxed it!" Shanna moaned.  
  
Kate checked the console curiously, a grin crossing her face as she read. "No, actually, I think he helped... look at this: Upstairs is sending out an announcement.  
'To whom it may concern in all departments,  
We have been forced to enstate a new regulation. All assassins are now required to take the following pieces of gear with them on missions: plastic-lined paper bags, medicine for upset stomachs, and leak-proof trashcan bags.'  
  
"Daaaang," Anne muttered under her breath. "They're requiring barf bags and Dramamine now? Kate, make sure to charge the Sue with that!"  
  
"What, causing a new regulation to be passed by Upstairs?" Kate asked with a grin. "No problem."  
  
~*~  
  
"So, we're here, it's nighttime, and we're... Hobbits," Shanna said slowly, glancing around. "Where IS here, anyway?"  
  
"The Shire," Kate said absently. "We're after a Frodo Sue by the name of Chica Muddyfoot, she's supposed to be his girlfriend or something... personally, I don't REMEMBER a girlfriend being mentioned AT ALL," she growled, more to herself than anyone else. "And what's up with the title, anyway? 'Loves Oceans'? Is that like that book, 'Loves Music, Loves to Dance' or something? I say we kill her now and get back to our sick partners." She anxiously fiddled with the bow she'd brought with her; she wanted this over as soon as possible.  
  
Shanna shrugged. "I don't know, how would Anne do it?"  
  
"She'd probably tell me to wait until the opprotune moment," the other girl sighed. "Darn it, she's not even here and she still manages to guilt trip me..."  
  
"That takes talent." Shanna wandered towards a random Hobbit hole and leaned on the windowsill, waiting for Kate to say anything further on the matter. When she saw something inside move out of the corner of her eye, however, she glanced in through the window, only to see Frodo and a female Hobbit--- "EEEW!" She screeched. "KATE, THEY'RE--"  
  
"SHH!" Kate rushed over and hurriedly covered her partner's mouth, glancing around to see if anyone heard. "They can hear us, brainniac!" She snarled. When she saw Shanna frantically pointing towards the window, she stopped and quizically looked inside. "...oh," was all she could say at first.  
  
[For the readers with stomachs of steel, check the original fic for this entire scene. For the rest of us, we took the liberty of editing a good bit of detail out of this section.]  
  
I laid Chica down on the bed. Leaning over her I kissed her passionately, she wrapped her arms around my neck kissing back. I pulled awhile after a bit.  
  
"I love you. And that doesn't change just because I'm leaving the shire. I still feel the same way about you." I said brushing curls from her face.  
  
"I know you do. And I love you too. I just want you to stay with me. Please don't leave, Frodo please stay with me". Her begging broke my heart, I didn't want to leave her. But the shire just didn't feel the same anymore.  
  
"Oh Chica, Chica, Chica.... I want to stay with you".  
  
"Then don't go", she was now in tears. I wiped her tears away, and kissed her forehead. My heart was aching. I loved her so much.   
  
Kate growled low in her throat. "She doesn't even put the REAL FORKING REASON for Frodo's decision to leave -- and if she truly loved him, wouldn't she be HAPPY for him or GO WITH HIM?"  
  
Shanna glanced at Kate, who was getting angrier by the minute. "Maybe we should, ah, move on," she suggested nervously.  
  
"Not until I get a readout," she muttered, thrusting her hand into her pack in search of her Analysis Device. "You should get one, too." She waved the device towards the window, but cowered as Frodo started to undress Chica. "EWW, poor Frodo..."  
  
[89.99%! HOLY CRAP, WHO IS THAT?!]  
  
Kate meekly glanced through the window, then at the readout. "You know it's bad when the devices start screaming at you..."  
  
Shanna fumbled with hers for a moment, then managed to wave it in Chica's general direction. After all, it's not hard to target someone when a canonical character is pinning them to the only bed in the room.  
  
[Chica Muddyfoot. Hobbit female. Non-canon. Mary Sue.]  
  
"Well, it's official, she's a Sue," she offered almost cheerfully, trying to grin. "Now I see why David and Anne got so sick... this IS bad!"  
  
"It doesn't take much to get to Anne's stomach, though." Kate sighed. "Fast-forwarding to departure for the Grey Havens! I've had enough of all this..."  
  
Shanna took one last look inside and shuddered, for the two Hobbits were now naked in bed. "AGH! Why did I look?" She moaned. "Please, get us out of here!"  
  
"I'm working on it!" It was a moment before they figured out which buttons to hit, but when they had, they immediately threw themselves through the portal. For a split second, Kate wondered why she felt as though she was falling, but the next instant she knew something was wrong: a moving monstrosity appeared in front of them, and they barely had enough time to scream before they landed in a body of water with a loud "SPLASH!".  
  
Once the PPC's managed to swim to shore, Shanna took off her glasses and tried to find something on which to dry them. "You put us in the middle of the ocean?" She asked in wild disbelief. "Why'd you do something like THAT?!"  
  
Kate, who was busy trying to wring the salt water out of her hair, scowled in return. "Well, I've never done it before -- Anne always worked it!" She snapped.  
  
"Well, now that we're soaking wet... Why ARE we here?"  
  
"Frodo's leaving for the Grey Havens, but the Sue is supposed to stop him." Kate fished out her Device and examined it closely. "Hmm... still seems to be working." She was startled, however, as the urgent red letters flashed up onto the screen.  
  
[Samwise Gamgee. Male Hobbit. Canon. Out of Character 48.87%.]  
  
Her eyes grew wide as she ever-so slowly looked up, only to see a Hobbitish figure standing naught but twelve feet away, with no foliage or useful scenery between to hide them. "FORK!" She hissed under her breath. "We need to move -- NOW; they're bound to notice two uninvited Hobbits!" She and Shanna grabbed their gear and crawled as fast as they dared to a patch of random shrubberies. They managed to conceal themselves as Frodo approached Sam, and were joined shortly by Pippin and Merry.  
  
Shanna squealed and pointed excitedly at Pippin, gasping, "Pippin! Pippin! It's really Pippin!"  
  
"...um, YEAH. Good observation." Kate raised a wary eyebrow at her companion. "Y'know, you really scare me sometimes. Now concentrate on the scene -- we need charges."  
  
The night (Kate distinctly coughed something that sounded like 'day') of my departure, Sam, dear faithful Sam went to see me off. We headed to the sea. Merry and Pippin met up with us there. I was shocked to see them. As I looked at them I could see tears in Pippin's eyes. And amid his tears he laughed.  
  
"You tried to give us the slip once before and failed, Frodo. This time you have nearly succeeded, but you have failed again. It was not Sam, thought, that gave you away this time, but Gandalf himself", he said. I then prepared to say my goodbyes to them then Pippin up his hand in a manner that said stop.  
  
Kate blinked. "I have more than three reasons why that entire paragraph was messed up. And poor Merry, he just stands there... no attention from the Sue at all. It's character descrimination, I tell you..."  
  
"Good," Shanna said hurriedly. "Now hush, Pip's talking!"  
  
"OY... you're worse than Anne around the Weasley twins," her friend moaned.  
  
"Frodo, I have brought someone who has news for you", he told me, as he walked over to his pony and helped down a lass. I couldn't make who she was. When the lass ran over to me. I knew her all to well. It was Chica. No this goodbye would be to hard.  
  
"Frodo", she yelled as she ran to me. As soon as she reached me she flung herself into my arms. I held her in them. I looked into the oceans of her blue eyes. How could I leave her, I wished for some reason to stay. Just then Chica took my hand and placed in on her stomach.  
  
"Frodo, you can't depart to the Havens, because of what grows inside of me", she said. I looked deeper into her ocean blue eyes.  
  
There was a moment of silence, in which Kate took the opportunity to make a curious noise. "Aside from the fact that all three of those paragraphs began with someone saying "Frodo,", I've never heard of anyone having 'ocean blue' eyes. I wonder if that refers to the color, or the fact that they're wet for more than three-fourths of the fic because she cries so much..."  
  
"Color," Shanna replied absently, not taking notice of the sarcasm in Kate's voice.  
  
"What do you mean", I questioned her, even though I knew what she meant. I had my reason to stay,  
  
"Frodo, I'm pregnant, you're going to be a father", she said. I smiled brightly. I wrapped my arms around her waist and spun her. I was so happy to know I would be a father. Now I could stay and marry the lass I loved.  
  
"Right, it's not 'you're the father' or 'I'm pregnant with our child'," Kate grunted. "It's, 'you're going to be the father whether you bloody well feel like it or not, and the gun I've hid under my bodice says so'..."  
  
"A child.. Oh Chica I love you so much", I said. I pulled her close to me and kissed her forehead. I was filled with so much joy just then. "Looks like I'm staying in the shire after all".  
  
I dropped to one knee, and looked into my love's oceans.  
  
The two PPC's gagged.  
  
"Chica Muddyfoot, will you marry me?"  
  
The two PPC's gagged harder.  
  
"Yes, Of couse I will".  
  
Shanna frowned. "She means, 'No, I most certainly will forking not!'. Just leave her now, Fro, it's not worth it!"  
  
Another moment of silence passed as Kate gave her an astounded and slightly frightened look. "...'FRO'?" She asked slowly. "Where the heck did you get 'FRO'?!"  
  
"Well, he needs a nickname!" Shanna countered. "Pippin is Pip, Merry and Sam don't need them, but Frodo doesn't have one -- so he's Fro!"  
  
"At least he's not 'Rod' or something..." The older girl moaned and pulled out the remote activator. "Let's just get OUT of here; maybe this stupid piece of junk will work."  
  
"Here's hoping."  
  
~*~  
  
Unfortunately for the two PPC, the remote activator did not wish for them to have a successful journey, and thus the portal spat them out ten feet above their desired point of arrival. Kate took some time trying to pick herself up, until she realized that she and Shanna had landed in the middle of a busy street, and were in the immediate danger of being trampled by a Hobbit-sized horse-drawn carriage. She let out a strangled screaming noise, which alerted Shanna of the peril that was five feet away; the two barely managed to get to safety in time.  
  
"That... that THING doesn't like us!" Shanna declared, gasping for breath.  
  
Kate scowled at the rebellious remote activator and pocketed it once again. "Maybe it misses Anne or something..." she mused ruefully.  
  
"Or maybe it didn't like being called a 'stupid piece of junk'."  
  
"Oh, well. In any case, we skipped most (if not all) of chapter two; so just to fill you in, they wanted to name their child Strider and Frodo sang some song by an artist whose music does not belong in Middle-Earth. We're here to observe the presence of a literary foil."  
  
This earned her a confused look. "...a what kinda foil?"  
  
"A literary foil," Kate explained as patiently as she could. This mission was starting to wear thin on her nerves... "It's a type of character an author inserts into their story for the sole purpose of contrasting with the main character; if they're the bad guy, they don't have a deep, dark secret or reason to be evil -- they're just evil because the main character is so good."  
  
Shanna nodded slowly, beginning to follow the older girl as she walked along the street. "So... there's a really evil Hobbit somewhere around here who's bad for no reason?"  
  
"Mmm-hmm," she replied absently, checking store windows as they passed. "Hey, tell me if you see the jewelry store or Frodo, whichever comes first."  
  
"We don't have time to look at jewelry!" Shanna exclaimed. "We're on a mission! You of all people should kno--"  
  
Kate sighed. "NO, SHANNA," she growled, "Frodo is heading to the jewelry store to find a ring for Chica, and he's going to run into Ruby while he's there."  
  
"Oh, okay! ...just one last question: who's Ruby?"  
  
"The literary foil," Kate snapped impatiently. "Do I have to explain everything?!"  
  
"Yeesh, sorry..." Shanna stared at the ground as they walked, not wanting to say anything to further irritate her friend; she looked up in time to see Frodo leaving a store-like building with a Hobbit maiden at his side. "Um... Kate, I think that's her."  
  
Kate glanced up quickly and locked her eyes on the new character. "So it would seem. Well, let's follow, unless we've an urgent errand or appointment that's been forgotten."  
  
The two PPC's slowly followed the two Hobbits from a distance (though Kate wondered how no one heard all the noise Shanna made as she marveled over her surroundings) until they arrived at the Green Dragon. Kate motioned for Shanna to follow as she, too, entered the tavern.  
  
"You're sure this is a good idea?" Shanna asked warily. "I mean, isn't she going to--"  
  
"We're not going to follow them upstairs," Kate interrupted, looking around to locate Frodo. She planned to keep him under a steady watch until the end of the fic... the poor Hobbit had no time to himself nowadays, it seemed. "Let's just get something to eat for now."  
  
"Can I try ale?"  
  
"NO, SHANNA."  
  
"Darn..."  
  
~*~  
  
Hours later, as the sun rose slowly in the east, the canonical characters had long forgotten how a stack of empty dishes had appeared on the corner table, for Kate and Shanna had decided to see if they could skip out without paying. "I love being invisible to the canon!" Shanna exclaimed happily, pumping her fist into the air.  
  
Kate shushed her and glanced around, hoping her temporary partner had not been heard. "We're invisible, but we're not inaudible," she warned. "Frodo should be coming down at any moment... Yup, there he is."  
  
I dressed, and started heading home. The sun was now up. I must have spelt a long time. I walked back to Bag End.  
  
Shanna laughed out loud before she could be stopped. "He 'spelt' a long time? Oh my GOSH...!"  
  
"SHANNA, SHUT UP BEFORE HE HEARS YOU," Kate snarled, diving to cover her partner's mouth. Once she had been silenced, the older PPC grunted something to herself and motioned to follow Frodo as he walked down the dirt path.  
  
After a few moments of silence, Shanna muttered, "We should go ahead and get rid of her. Anne and David are probably bored to death by now..."  
  
"Yeah, but there are still some charges we need," she replied, almost remorsefully. "We've gotten a good bit so far, and I know we could read the words for more, but we can't charge her for something that hasn't happened yet."  
  
"What if we just, y'know... 'port to the end of the fic and charge her then?"  
  
"We have to witness at least ninety percent of the charges listed. You're a PPC too, you know -- you're supposed to know this!"  
  
"Oh, right. Crud-monkeys."  
  
Kate nodded absently as she watched Frodo enter Bag End, then she let out a sigh. "Well, it's not like I don't want this horrid torture to end... but we're almost done. We can get her when she and Ruby begin their swordfight."  
  
Shanna's eyes widened in disbelief. "She fights... while she's pregnant?" She asked slowly.  
  
"Yeah. Not smart, but I don't always expect Sues to be."  
  
As they stood there, Ruby casually came out of the front door humming to herself, and as she disappeared into the distance, Chica came running out of the Hobbit hole with a handkerchief to her tearing eyes. The two PPCs exchanged glances and watched Chica run out of their vision, then watched Pippin come running up to and hurriedly knock on the front door before he was let in.  
  
Shanna blinked for a moment. "...well, that was interesting," she commented.  
  
"Mmm-hmm," Kate agreed, "it seems that Bag End is a very popular place today."  
  
They crept towards the side window and peered inside. Pippin was trying to catch his breath and explain something to Sam and Frodo, who were staring at him with wide-eyed astonishment. Frodo suddenly grabbed his jacket as he said something to the other two, just before Pippin (who had, evidentally, caught his breath within the time frame of five seconds) put a hand on his shoulder and started talking again. "Too bad we can't hear him," Shanna moaned. "I wanna listen...!"  
  
"They're just saying that Ruby's planning to kill Chica, and Pippin's explaining a plan for catching her in the act and preventing Chica's death. And I'm pretty sure that it's a very unhobbitish thing to kill another Hobbit inside the Shire," Kate muttered sourly, making a rather impatient face. "But when she's least expecting it, I'll get her."  
  
Shanna nodded. "Great. But, um... what am I supposed to do while you're killing her?"  
  
The evil grin that spread across the assassin's face was slightly unsettling to her temporary partner. "You get the noble and wonderful job of keeping Frodo, Sam, and Pippin from killing ME."  
  
"Oh..." She laughed nervously. "Is that all...?"  
  
"Yup." Kate glanced back to the window and noticed that the three Hobbits had just departed for their rendevous point with Chica and Ruby. "Crud, they're gone! We'd better 'port ahead if we want to get there in time..."  
  
Shanna's eyes grew wide as the remote activator was brought out. "Uh, are you sure that's a good idea? It still might have a grudge against us."  
  
"We'll be fine. C'mon, we need to go!"  
  
~*~  
  
Kate and Shanna warily stepped out of the portal, expecting to be harmed by their surroundings, but instead found themselves in a convenient hiding/spectating spot behind the Green Dragon. "Wow," Shanna muttered. "I guess it likes us now or something..."  
  
"Guess so." Kate crouched low behind a crate and glanced around to try and spot any of the to-be approaching Hobbits. "Just get down before they see us; Frodo, Sam, and Pippin should be coming at any moment."  
  
"Um, Kate, I think--"  
  
She sighed impatiently and interrupted the younger girl. "Shanna, PLEASE, just find somewhere to hide---" As she glanced towards her partner and saw the frantic gestures she was making to their left, Kate looked to see Frodo in the midst of a bush five feet from their chosen hiding place. "--oh. Well, he can't see us," she offered hopefully.  
  
"But they can." Shanna now pointed past their crate at Chica, who was approaching from the right, and Ruby, who was coming from the left and bearing a sword. "Where'd she get a sword, anyway?"  
  
"Her second cousin's aunt's grandmother's uncle, probably." Kate couldn't help but grin at her partner's reaction. "What? Most Hobbits are related somehow! I can show you when we get back to headquarters."  
  
"Whats the sword for", asked Chica.  
  
"Oh this, it's the end of you".  
  
"What?"  
  
Ruby was about stab Chica, when I jumped in front of her---  
  
"HOLD IT!" Someone shouted. Frodo, Chica, and Ruby stopped where they stood: Frodo in front of Chica, Ruby with her sword in mid-stab, and Chica with a look of shock frozen on her face. Two more Hobbits stepped out from behind a set of crates, though one immediately ran to them, grabbed Frodo, and dragged him to where Sam and Pippin were hiding. The other stood with her arms crossed, looking rather irked. "Okay, if you were the Sue, I'd charge you..." -she pointed an accusing finger at Ruby- "...with unnecessary violence."  
  
Ruby and Chica exchanged confused glances. "Say what?" Ruby asked slowly.  
  
"Never mind. Shanna, make sure they don't get away from you!"  
  
Shanna gave her a thumbs-up and grinned. "Oh, I have a plan if I need to use it..."  
  
Kate sighed and turned to Chica. "Are you or are you not Chica Muddyfoot?"  
  
"I am," she replied. "Who are you, and why are you saving me?"  
  
"I ain't saving you for long, dearie," Kate spat. "Now, stand still... and YOU stay out of this," she growled to Ruby, "or you're next." She cleared her throat and began reciting from memory: "Chica Muddyfoot, you are hereby charged with the crimes of having a very unhobbitish first name, interacting with the characters of Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin; having premarital intercourse with Frodo, becoming pregnant because of that, trying to name your future child Strider, singing a non-Tolkien/non-Middle-Earthean song, using a literary foil for your own devices, swordfighting whilest pregnant, defying rules of conduct of and within the Shire, plagerising plots from a large percentage of soap operas, becoming the precident for PPC regulation #8754, paragraph 6, section 23; and being a Mary Sue."  
  
Chica looked taken aback. "I... I don't understand," she stammered. "These are all crimes I'VE committed?"  
  
Kate rolled her eyes and cocked an arrow, aimed directly for the Sue's head. "Yeah. Oh, and don't move unless you want this arrow through your skull." When Chica glanced worriedly at Frodo, who was being bodily restrained by Shanna, Kate gleefully shouted, "you moved!" and shot her through her temple.  
  
Frodo cried out as Chica's body fell to the ground and began to struggle haphazardly. "Let me GO, you murderer!" He snarled at Shanna.  
  
"Um, no. But I can do this..." Shanna grinned evilly and tackled the Hobbit, much to the surprise of everyone else. Sam and Pippin, at a loss for words or actions, stood there and merely watched with wide eyes until Kate felt the canon shift back into its normal state.  
  
"Okay, Shanna, you can get off of him now," she called. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Ruby shift positions uncomfortably. "Hey... I've an idea. Ruby, since your existence is no longer needed in this world, why don't you just come with us..." Kate grinned to herself, which seemed to unsettle the Hobbit even more.  
  
"Um, you wouldn't... kill me, would you?" She asked, raising an eyebrow.  
  
Shanna, who was now standing, walked over to them and crossed her arms. "Nah, we really don't have a reason to." Ruby looked halfway relieved at hearing this.  
  
Kate heaved Chica's body over her shoulder and grinned again. "We're going to take you to where we work... see, we uphold the rules of the canon and kill off Mary Sues. Chica, here, was a Mary Sue that was assigned to us. Wanna give our job a try?"  
  
"What if I don't want to?"  
  
"Then we have reason to kill you."  
  
Ruby hesitated, her eyes shifting to Chica's body and back to Kate's face. "...would there be more people like her for me to kill?" She asked slowly.  
  
"If you're assigned to a Sue department, yeah," Kate admitted, opening a portal. "C'mon, I have a partner to get back to..."  
  
~*~  
  
As soon as Kate, Shanna, and Ruby stepped into room outside the response center, the electronic sounds of someone being thrown off a cliff echoed out to them. The three simultaneously raised their eyebrows and peered into the door of the response center; Anne and David were sitting in front of a TV (that had not been there before), evidentally playing a video game that involved mass amounts of killing.  
  
"Where'd that come from?" Kate asked loudly, causing the two gamers to jump and turn where they sat, though the hand on which Anne was bracing herself slipped and caused her to fall into David.  
  
"Oh, you're back!" She exclaimed, righting herself (with a bit of help). Her eyes quickly fell on Ruby, and her expression changed to that of confusion. "...where'd she come from?"  
  
"She's a bit character who has potential. Ruby, this is my parter, Anne, and Shanna's partner, David. David, Anne, this is Ruby. We're taking her down to Assignments real quick; we just wanted to stop in and see how you two were doing."  
  
David shrugged. "We felt better after about an hour, so I went and got my Gamecube. We've been playing Super Smash Brothers Melee for a while now..."  
  
"Hey, you never play that with ME," Shanna protested.  
  
"That's because Anne can actually win every other fight."  
  
Kate dismissed the conversation with a wave of her hand. "Okay, we're going now! See you guys in a bit."  
  
"Hey, Kate, the mail guys called and said we had a package -- could you get it while you're down there?" Anne called.  
  
"Sure thing!"  
  
Anne and David shrugged at each other and resumed their game. An hour passed, then two hours, and no one had returned. Finally, after two and a half hours, Kate came storming back into the room with a smoking package in her hand. "Slow service?" Anne asked lightly. "What's in the box?"  
  
"Don't know, don't care."  
  
Shanna came in with a relieved look on her face. "We finally got out of there!" She moaned.  
  
"It... took... FOREVER," Kate growled, falling back onto the couch and tossing the package to Anne. "I swear, if the people down there were moving any slower, they'd be going backwards!"  
  
"Though that one guy looked pretty excited when he saw that cockroach run by," Shanna commented through a grin. "So, what'd you guys get?"  
  
Anne curiously untied the string around the brown paper and squealed with glee. "Ooh, lookit!" In her hand was a jar, which contained a sample of brightly-colored fire. "AWESOME!"  
  
"What is it?" David asked, peering at it over her shoulder.  
  
"Our first flame!" Anne cackled to herself and put the jar on the desk. "Sweet!"   
  
Kate nodded tiredly. "Great, wonderful, and all that jazz. I'm going to take a nap... good-NIGHT." She laid herself out on the couch and rolled over, so that her back was to everyone else.  
  
[BEEP]  
  
"OH, FORK IT ALL!"  
==========  
  
Kate's note: AAGH, DELIVER US FROM EVIL!  
You think I'm kidding? Read the original fic... I know there are some young, aspiring authors out there who are eager to write whatever comes to mind, but this one was pretty bad. The only thing that could've made it worse would've been a slash coupling... *shudders* We finally figured out that, if you ignore the spelling mistakes and misplaced punctuation, it's almost readable. ALMOST.  
YES, the whole sex scene between Frodo and Chica is in the first chapter. Heck, it IS the first chapter. Five hundred miles of bad, baaaad road from the very beginning.  
Anne, if you EVER leave me to work that bloody remote activator AGAIN, I'll kill you!  
  
Anne's note: Yay, I got sick leave! WHEE! But poor Shanna got a crash course on Sues In Middle-Earth... oh, well, everyone has to learn sometime, I guess.  
I almost got sick reading it in real life. I'm dead serious, folks -- I felt REALLY queasy after reading the first chapter. THAT'S NOT A GOOD THING. But I did have to wonder what in the world the author read/saw/was thinking before she wrote this fic... I mean, it's nothing but a soap opera! GAH! HOBBITS DO NOT PURPOSEFULLY KILL OTHER HOBBITS! Smeagol was an exception, because the Ring drove him to kill Deagol. Go figure.  
And we got our first flame! I'm so happy! *dances around* Now we can use it to completely incinerate a Sue! YAY! ...though, I secretly hope we don't get many more, because they're kind of annoying to read. Like, really annoying -- especially when the reviewer is really PO'd and trying to remain calm but failing miserably. (By the way, iamawriter1, your stuff can be found in our museum when it is opened... so Mr. Bang-bang stays with us, dearie. You may not flounce off with a museum exhibit, unless you'd like our Flying Werecat Museum Guards of Doom to find you and steal it back.)  
The Shire is like the South, in the fact that everyone is related to everyone else by some distant bond. It took me forever to figure out how Pippin was related to Merry, Merry to Frodo, Pippin to Frodo, and Bilbo to Frodo, and so on. 


End file.
